I'm a sap. I cry at heart breaking things. Today in the local newspaper's website, there was an article about bodies found at a former "Poor farm." The article brought tears to my eyes.
I woke up feeling good. I believe that my first thought decides how I will feel that day. I thought I will have a good day this morning. A good day it will be.
Frappe was snoring. "Happiness is a snoring puppy." Teddy was itching a bug. Coco was asleep. Ya gotta love puppies.
I overworked myself Saturday. My back keeps reminding me I ain't 17 anymore.
Turned on the tunes. Country western day. I should say classic country.
I'm not sure what treat I will bake today. "Do what you love, love what you do."
BRB pill time. I take my meds the same time everyday. A habit I learned years ago.
I'm gonna do some Suduko puzzles.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
If you were
Here's a poem I wrote this morning. It's called "If you were."
If you were a fly, where would you go and why.
If you were granted one wish, would you be a fish.
If you were a villian, youd' be in jail chillin.
If you were a boat, how would you stay afloat.
If you were never told, would the answer be too cold.
If you were a melon, would you be gellin.
If you were to cry, would you give it a try.
If you were strong, what would be your song.
If you were a cop, who would you stop
If you were to wait, would you make the gate.
If you were fast, would you run from your past.
If you were blessed with luck, would you save a duck.
David
If you were a fly, where would you go and why.
If you were granted one wish, would you be a fish.
If you were a villian, youd' be in jail chillin.
If you were a boat, how would you stay afloat.
If you were never told, would the answer be too cold.
If you were a melon, would you be gellin.
If you were to cry, would you give it a try.
If you were strong, what would be your song.
If you were a cop, who would you stop
If you were to wait, would you make the gate.
If you were fast, would you run from your past.
If you were blessed with luck, would you save a duck.
David
Cake anyone?
I have been feeling good for a while now. That's cool.
I baked an awesome cake. It was a two layer chocolate mayonaise cake, with fluff frosting in the middle and a boiled vanilla frosting on the outside. Cooking and baking are my way of creating.
The voices are quiet and not distracting.
I've been kind of busy. I haven't cleaned much. The pool needs to be skimmed. Today's job. The dogs love it when I go out back.
I'm concerned about my weight. I haven't gained any according to the scale and my clothes fit right. My belly seems to be getting bigger. I don't eat that much. I guess what I eat is the problem.
I started doing Suduko puzzles. The word fill-ins aren't challenging enough, and I needed a change.
I can't believe it's almost June. My does time fly.
I can't write today.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I baked an awesome cake. It was a two layer chocolate mayonaise cake, with fluff frosting in the middle and a boiled vanilla frosting on the outside. Cooking and baking are my way of creating.
The voices are quiet and not distracting.
I've been kind of busy. I haven't cleaned much. The pool needs to be skimmed. Today's job. The dogs love it when I go out back.
I'm concerned about my weight. I haven't gained any according to the scale and my clothes fit right. My belly seems to be getting bigger. I don't eat that much. I guess what I eat is the problem.
I started doing Suduko puzzles. The word fill-ins aren't challenging enough, and I needed a change.
I can't believe it's almost June. My does time fly.
I can't write today.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Friday, May 29, 2009
Blah mood
Voices aren't bad today. They are easy to push out.
I wonder if they went away, would I miss em? They have been with me a long time.What would I put in the void?
My dentist appointment went well. I saved close to $700!
ECT on Monday. I'm ready for it. I'm not depressed. It will help me to stay not depressed.
I don't feel like writing.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
I wonder if they went away, would I miss em? They have been with me a long time.What would I put in the void?
My dentist appointment went well. I saved close to $700!
ECT on Monday. I'm ready for it. I'm not depressed. It will help me to stay not depressed.
I don't feel like writing.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Almost didn't
While reading journals, I kept thinking I wasn't gonna write today. Take the day off. I guess I really wanted to write.
Got my shot yesterday. I feel alright. Voices are strong. WDave radio is off. I was able to push the voices out and keep my focus.
I have a busy day today. I have dentist appointment at 8:30 that I'm worried about. I don't usually mind going to a dentist. I may need a crown. It's gonna cost $800. It's not that we don't have the money, it's what if the crown falls off.
At 1pm I see my chiropractor. That's cool. My headaches have returned.
The furnace guy is coming today too. We have him come in twice a year. In the spring to check the central air and fall to check the furnace. Money well spent.
My son sent me some pics of my granddaughter. She's so cute. Her hair is shaped like a mohawk. It's been that way since birth. She squeaks too.
Well I just spent the last 10 minutes searching for more to write. I got nothing. I will leave you now.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Got my shot yesterday. I feel alright. Voices are strong. WDave radio is off. I was able to push the voices out and keep my focus.
I have a busy day today. I have dentist appointment at 8:30 that I'm worried about. I don't usually mind going to a dentist. I may need a crown. It's gonna cost $800. It's not that we don't have the money, it's what if the crown falls off.
At 1pm I see my chiropractor. That's cool. My headaches have returned.
The furnace guy is coming today too. We have him come in twice a year. In the spring to check the central air and fall to check the furnace. Money well spent.
My son sent me some pics of my granddaughter. She's so cute. Her hair is shaped like a mohawk. It's been that way since birth. She squeaks too.
Well I just spent the last 10 minutes searching for more to write. I got nothing. I will leave you now.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
An Ark or the Titanic? Which will it be?
"Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amatuers built the ark; professionals built the Titantic."-Anonymous
I've been trying to find something to inspire me enough to write. I found that quote and was inspired.
Trying things that are new to me isn't new. I love to bake. I love to give. I love to love. I try to keep an open mind.
I was told once that there's nothing new under the sun. That may be so, but I still look for new things to learn. Besides if there's nothing new, then what's the use of looking?
I don't know how to speak a foreign langauge. Despite my Spanish guy voice..lol! I can't play the guitar..except for the "air guitar."
I used the words "don't and can't" to describe something I know nothing about. I could learn if I want. I guess learning Spanish and playing a guitar aren't on the top of my list. Maybe someday I will learn enough Spanish to figure out what the voice is saying.
Learning how to deal with my mind, always holds my interest. I am not overly obesessed with my fixing my mind, I just like to dabble in it. A dab will do me.
Live the best you can, love with your heart, not your head, laugh at the joys life brings, learn that you can make a difference, listen with an open mind.
Embrace your life.
Dave
I've been trying to find something to inspire me enough to write. I found that quote and was inspired.
Trying things that are new to me isn't new. I love to bake. I love to give. I love to love. I try to keep an open mind.
I was told once that there's nothing new under the sun. That may be so, but I still look for new things to learn. Besides if there's nothing new, then what's the use of looking?
I don't know how to speak a foreign langauge. Despite my Spanish guy voice..lol! I can't play the guitar..except for the "air guitar."
I used the words "don't and can't" to describe something I know nothing about. I could learn if I want. I guess learning Spanish and playing a guitar aren't on the top of my list. Maybe someday I will learn enough Spanish to figure out what the voice is saying.
Learning how to deal with my mind, always holds my interest. I am not overly obesessed with my fixing my mind, I just like to dabble in it. A dab will do me.
Live the best you can, love with your heart, not your head, laugh at the joys life brings, learn that you can make a difference, listen with an open mind.
Embrace your life.
Dave
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Got bald?
The best things about being bald.
I never need a comb.
My shampoo bottle lasts a year.
I can wash my face and comb my hair with one stroke of my hand.
The wind never blows hair in my face.
I don't need a bathing cap.
Most hats fit right.
I cut my hair twice a year.
I saved $2,000 dollars by not going to a barber.
I look funny in wigs.
I don't have to worry about gray hair.
I can paint smiley faces on the back of my head.
The glare blinds other people.
I can swim through water easier.
Rain runs right off.
I could be a Turtle Wax advertisment.
If I got in a fight, you couldn't pull my hair.
I can slap my head to the beat of a song.
I can be a Mr.Clean stand in.
I stick out in a crowd.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
I never need a comb.
My shampoo bottle lasts a year.
I can wash my face and comb my hair with one stroke of my hand.
The wind never blows hair in my face.
I don't need a bathing cap.
Most hats fit right.
I cut my hair twice a year.
I saved $2,000 dollars by not going to a barber.
I look funny in wigs.
I don't have to worry about gray hair.
I can paint smiley faces on the back of my head.
The glare blinds other people.
I can swim through water easier.
Rain runs right off.
I could be a Turtle Wax advertisment.
If I got in a fight, you couldn't pull my hair.
I can slap my head to the beat of a song.
I can be a Mr.Clean stand in.
I stick out in a crowd.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
foot in mouth!?!
Inserting your foot in your mouth isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's better to put your foot there to shut you up. Look before you leap is also a good thing at times. At least then you can decide where to put your foot.
Case in point. May 25th, 2009 around 2:30 pm, in the car driving home after a wonderful day.
Margaret and spent the day at a zoo, shopping , and our favorite Italian restaurant. On the way home I was talking about my dad in my usual way. ..bad talking. Anyway I was saying that I should write dad an email full of accusations and other things that I felt dad needs to know. It wasn't gonna be nice in any way.
Got home and I see that there one was new call on the caller ID. It was from my folks. I checked the answering machine (which doesn't give any answers by the way..lol!) and they had left a call. I thought it may have been mom. Nope it was dad. First time he ever left a message on the machine (see? there is hope ). He sounded like he was crying, like he did when Aunt Mary passed away. I thought something happened to mom. I called and asked what was wrong. Dad said nothing was wrong. He wanted me to know he was sending a package up.
He said the package was for my grandkids. He's sending them coin sets. They will be worth some money someday. I was flabbergasted. I thanked him and told him that I will give the coins to the kids. After the call ended and my foot was extracted from my mouth, I was floored.
Here I was bad-mouthing dad, and he does a random act of kindness towards my grandkids. What a fool I am!! I am so ashamed of myself. I thought that there wasn't any good left in dad.
I didn't question as to his motive. He wants to show his great-grandchildren that he cares.
Life often has thrown my a curve. I never expected this. I have learned my lesson. When dad is drunk he's a monster. Without alcohol he's a nice guy. Jekyll and Hyde.
In the midst of the mean vision I have of dad, that nice guy still is there. Will he anger me again? Yes, but in my reaction I will try to remember that dad does has good parts left. No second guessing.
I feel better writing this journal today. I thought about it alot yesterday. I had to express my selfish, childish behavior. I needed to get it out.
I know that I jump to early. I reacte too fast. I'm not always the smart one who has all the answers. There are so many things I need to learn. I am work in progress. Where am I gonna go from here? I dunno. I hope it's to a place where I have a better understanding of how life is. No fantasies or make believe worlds. The lesson learned is always a good experience.
A voice just told me that "no good can come from bad." I do not believe that. Good happens to all of us. Keep looking for that "silver lining." I am a better man today.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Case in point. May 25th, 2009 around 2:30 pm, in the car driving home after a wonderful day.
Margaret and spent the day at a zoo, shopping , and our favorite Italian restaurant. On the way home I was talking about my dad in my usual way. ..bad talking. Anyway I was saying that I should write dad an email full of accusations and other things that I felt dad needs to know. It wasn't gonna be nice in any way.
Got home and I see that there one was new call on the caller ID. It was from my folks. I checked the answering machine (which doesn't give any answers by the way..lol!) and they had left a call. I thought it may have been mom. Nope it was dad. First time he ever left a message on the machine (see? there is hope ). He sounded like he was crying, like he did when Aunt Mary passed away. I thought something happened to mom. I called and asked what was wrong. Dad said nothing was wrong. He wanted me to know he was sending a package up.
He said the package was for my grandkids. He's sending them coin sets. They will be worth some money someday. I was flabbergasted. I thanked him and told him that I will give the coins to the kids. After the call ended and my foot was extracted from my mouth, I was floored.
Here I was bad-mouthing dad, and he does a random act of kindness towards my grandkids. What a fool I am!! I am so ashamed of myself. I thought that there wasn't any good left in dad.
I didn't question as to his motive. He wants to show his great-grandchildren that he cares.
Life often has thrown my a curve. I never expected this. I have learned my lesson. When dad is drunk he's a monster. Without alcohol he's a nice guy. Jekyll and Hyde.
In the midst of the mean vision I have of dad, that nice guy still is there. Will he anger me again? Yes, but in my reaction I will try to remember that dad does has good parts left. No second guessing.
I feel better writing this journal today. I thought about it alot yesterday. I had to express my selfish, childish behavior. I needed to get it out.
I know that I jump to early. I reacte too fast. I'm not always the smart one who has all the answers. There are so many things I need to learn. I am work in progress. Where am I gonna go from here? I dunno. I hope it's to a place where I have a better understanding of how life is. No fantasies or make believe worlds. The lesson learned is always a good experience.
A voice just told me that "no good can come from bad." I do not believe that. Good happens to all of us. Keep looking for that "silver lining." I am a better man today.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Monday, May 25, 2009
4am inspirations
Today is a day to remember all those who gave their lives in order for me to be free. These men and women are what makes this country so great. I do not like war. I do not support the two wars we are waging , but I do support the men and women who are fighting so I can have the freedoms all should have.
I woke at 4am this morning. I have completed two Suduko puzzles, read alot of journals and I wrote a journal.
The foriegn voices are back. I hear, every now and again, a Spanish guy voice. Do not ask what he says, I wasn't too good at Spanish in high school. Never thought I'd need it.
Yesterday I was checking out the front on the house. There is a yellow rose. First one this year. There's also a red rose on the side of the house. Our two gigantic rose bushes and hundreds of buds on em. They are so beautiful when they are in full bloom. The Roddendran bush is blossoming too.
I made my first ever two layer cake. It was also my first carrot cake. I made a cream cheese frosting for it. That was a good cake.
I'm not sure what the forecast is for today. If it rains, I have alot of indoor jobs that need tending too.
My shot is due on Wednesday and I feel really good. I'm not depressed, angry, or anxious. I so love days like these.
I've run out of my muse for now.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I woke at 4am this morning. I have completed two Suduko puzzles, read alot of journals and I wrote a journal.
The foriegn voices are back. I hear, every now and again, a Spanish guy voice. Do not ask what he says, I wasn't too good at Spanish in high school. Never thought I'd need it.
Yesterday I was checking out the front on the house. There is a yellow rose. First one this year. There's also a red rose on the side of the house. Our two gigantic rose bushes and hundreds of buds on em. They are so beautiful when they are in full bloom. The Roddendran bush is blossoming too.
I made my first ever two layer cake. It was also my first carrot cake. I made a cream cheese frosting for it. That was a good cake.
I'm not sure what the forecast is for today. If it rains, I have alot of indoor jobs that need tending too.
My shot is due on Wednesday and I feel really good. I'm not depressed, angry, or anxious. I so love days like these.
I've run out of my muse for now.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Carrot cake and a sander
I woke at 2am. I was up until 3;30AM. I woke again at 6am. Plenty of sleep for once.
OOOPS hold on , pilltime. I dropped a pill on the floor and couldn't find it.
I feel alright. The voices are fairly quiet. It looks nice outside. I'm gonna bake a carrot cake today. I'm also gonna finish that bench. I finally got the sander out. WOW! What difference. I did a section faster than the last few weeks.
This week is gonna be busy. I have a three appointments.
I don't know what else to write. My mind is calm and my thoughts are in control. No voices. I guess I will leave it at that. I'm gonna write some emails.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
OOOPS hold on , pilltime. I dropped a pill on the floor and couldn't find it.
I feel alright. The voices are fairly quiet. It looks nice outside. I'm gonna bake a carrot cake today. I'm also gonna finish that bench. I finally got the sander out. WOW! What difference. I did a section faster than the last few weeks.
This week is gonna be busy. I have a three appointments.
I don't know what else to write. My mind is calm and my thoughts are in control. No voices. I guess I will leave it at that. I'm gonna write some emails.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Saturday, May 23, 2009
A mixed bag..take 2
I wrote a huge blog only to have it eaten by the puter. Must have been hungry. I'll try again.
I have had a wide range of emotions this morning. Fear, anger, happy, sad, calm, compassion.
Years ago I felt two things..anger and happy. I am so glad that I developed a broader range of emotions.
The song "Hotel California" played earlier. When I was in and out of the state hospital in the 80's it felt like " I could check out anytime I liked but could never leave." I was in the "Hotel" many times.
Earlier I was taking pics of the fountain. My fear was small. Frappe started barking and I couldn't get him to stop made my fear rise. I felt the fear wash over me like a tidal wave.
I've been afraid of the dark for years. The one thing I can think of is when the next door neighbor was watching us, they told me to go home because I was acting up (I've always acted up). I went home and went to bed. The next thing I knew my blankets were ripped off of me and there were two women glaring at me. They reminded me of Patty and Selma from the Simpsons. I do not know what happened next.
I went in the pool 3x's yesterday. It was cool but not too bad. I changed the filter. Man that was hard. I couldn't get the cap back on and lost about 3" of water.
The music is really calming. I so love music.
The other day Margaret and I were in a store. The music moved us, so we were dancing down aisles. OMG! That was so much fun!! People were smiling, and pointing at us. How cool is that? Way cool!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I have had a wide range of emotions this morning. Fear, anger, happy, sad, calm, compassion.
Years ago I felt two things..anger and happy. I am so glad that I developed a broader range of emotions.
The song "Hotel California" played earlier. When I was in and out of the state hospital in the 80's it felt like " I could check out anytime I liked but could never leave." I was in the "Hotel" many times.
Earlier I was taking pics of the fountain. My fear was small. Frappe started barking and I couldn't get him to stop made my fear rise. I felt the fear wash over me like a tidal wave.
I've been afraid of the dark for years. The one thing I can think of is when the next door neighbor was watching us, they told me to go home because I was acting up (I've always acted up). I went home and went to bed. The next thing I knew my blankets were ripped off of me and there were two women glaring at me. They reminded me of Patty and Selma from the Simpsons. I do not know what happened next.
I went in the pool 3x's yesterday. It was cool but not too bad. I changed the filter. Man that was hard. I couldn't get the cap back on and lost about 3" of water.
The music is really calming. I so love music.
The other day Margaret and I were in a store. The music moved us, so we were dancing down aisles. OMG! That was so much fun!! People were smiling, and pointing at us. How cool is that? Way cool!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Friday, May 22, 2009
The cycle of good deeds.
We bought a lighted floating fountain for the pool. I just went out to see it in the dark. It's really cool.
The pool was 64 degrees yesterday so I went in. Later it was 70. A little cool but not too bad. I cleaned it while I was in it.
I feel better than I have the past 3 days. I am much calmer. I saw Mike yesterday, briefly. I wish I could get through to him.
Yesterday at the grocery store a woman gave me her cart. The cool thing is that at this grocery store you have to put a quarter in a lock to get a cart. When finished with the cart you get your quarter back. I always give my cart away. So that woman did a good deed to me. What goes around comes around.
There's a church hymn that says "do what's right and let the consquences follow."
I challenge all who may read this to do a good deed. Make someone's day.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
The pool was 64 degrees yesterday so I went in. Later it was 70. A little cool but not too bad. I cleaned it while I was in it.
I feel better than I have the past 3 days. I am much calmer. I saw Mike yesterday, briefly. I wish I could get through to him.
Yesterday at the grocery store a woman gave me her cart. The cool thing is that at this grocery store you have to put a quarter in a lock to get a cart. When finished with the cart you get your quarter back. I always give my cart away. So that woman did a good deed to me. What goes around comes around.
There's a church hymn that says "do what's right and let the consquences follow."
I challenge all who may read this to do a good deed. Make someone's day.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Paying the price for locked doors
How much does it cost to keep an MI out of the hospital? Why is there a price tag on us? Who pays?
I am saddened by the fact that there are people, sick people, walking the streets, because they cannot afford even a loaf of bread.
Most mental illnesses can be treated. Why then are these people walking around "sick?"
There used to be a day program here. It was cut because of money. I know the economy is tight. These people need help. I know that some don't want help. I know that taxpayers are burdended by higher fees and what not. How can someone put a price tag on a human life?
The state is building a new outpatient center down the street from me. That's cool. But at what price? Are they gonna have better programs? Will the outpatients be helped? I SAY no! A shiny new building won't give these people any new tools. I believe that everyone can overcome their illness. The old joke is "how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb has to want to change first."
I've been fortunate to have had the "drive" and "vision" to see beyond the locked doors.
There's been alot of interesting spectulations running around my head lately. Like should there be a "softer" institution? Or why do some live a "normal" life and others do not? Or why does the public feel so against the MI's? What are they afraid of? Are they afraid they will "catch it" through osomosis?
I'm not angry. I apologize if it sounds like I am. I'm frustrated. I am fond of the MI. I am one of them. I care about their lives. It hurts bad when I see them suffer.
Why are there MI's who don't want help? I know it is a symptom of the disease. BUT WHY?
I am gonna get Medicare in July. I have to tell my insurance company. I called to find out where to send the information to. The first gentleman I spoke with said I have to write to three different letters to three different places, because they don't share information. Which I have done. My insurnace is through my pension from NYS. In this era of job loss and scandal by government agencies, wouldn't it be easier to consolidate?
Here's a case in point.
I got a bill from a local hospital. There was no itemized information on it about what service was done. I called the business office and they said they would send an itemized bill. Why didn't they do that in the first place? Just think of the savings it would be. One employee, one piece of paper, one envelope, and one stamp. No wonder that place needs money. Oh! They don't recycle either.
I guess I'll jump off my soap box. I've vented enough.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
I am saddened by the fact that there are people, sick people, walking the streets, because they cannot afford even a loaf of bread.
Most mental illnesses can be treated. Why then are these people walking around "sick?"
There used to be a day program here. It was cut because of money. I know the economy is tight. These people need help. I know that some don't want help. I know that taxpayers are burdended by higher fees and what not. How can someone put a price tag on a human life?
The state is building a new outpatient center down the street from me. That's cool. But at what price? Are they gonna have better programs? Will the outpatients be helped? I SAY no! A shiny new building won't give these people any new tools. I believe that everyone can overcome their illness. The old joke is "how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb has to want to change first."
I've been fortunate to have had the "drive" and "vision" to see beyond the locked doors.
There's been alot of interesting spectulations running around my head lately. Like should there be a "softer" institution? Or why do some live a "normal" life and others do not? Or why does the public feel so against the MI's? What are they afraid of? Are they afraid they will "catch it" through osomosis?
I'm not angry. I apologize if it sounds like I am. I'm frustrated. I am fond of the MI. I am one of them. I care about their lives. It hurts bad when I see them suffer.
Why are there MI's who don't want help? I know it is a symptom of the disease. BUT WHY?
I am gonna get Medicare in July. I have to tell my insurance company. I called to find out where to send the information to. The first gentleman I spoke with said I have to write to three different letters to three different places, because they don't share information. Which I have done. My insurnace is through my pension from NYS. In this era of job loss and scandal by government agencies, wouldn't it be easier to consolidate?
Here's a case in point.
I got a bill from a local hospital. There was no itemized information on it about what service was done. I called the business office and they said they would send an itemized bill. Why didn't they do that in the first place? Just think of the savings it would be. One employee, one piece of paper, one envelope, and one stamp. No wonder that place needs money. Oh! They don't recycle either.
I guess I'll jump off my soap box. I've vented enough.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Tedster Patrol
I lost my journal, because I'm stupid. I went to another site without saving the post. I swear I need help...LOL! Let's see how much I can remember.
Last night Teddy barked menacingly and ran to the side door. I jumped out bed and ran to see what he's was barking and growling at. It was the UPS man. (I bet you thought it was Santa Claus..LOL!) I can sleep better knowing that Teddy is on patrol.
I can't copy and paste on here anymore. For reasons I will never know. That's good though, I can create more. I so love to write.
I've been working on stripping a bench for three weeks..on and off. I couldn't find my scraper. I looked almost everywhere. I finally found it. It was on the bench! DUH! I told Margaret I found it. She asked where. I said in the last place I looked..LOL! I got a swat for that one...LOL!
I've had these red stones for years. Yesterday I put some in the ground to make a path. I will try to finish today. I'm gonna make another path to the pool.
I transplanted 5 plants into a whiskey barrel. I put them by the side door. It looks cool. We had a frost warning last night. I hope my plants are okay.
Voices are quiet today. All I hear is my thoughts. COOL! Don't have many days like this.
Just took out the garbage. We are the only house on the street that puts out more recycling than garbage. We put out one bag of garbage and three bins of recycling. I'm big on recycling.
When I was outside this morning, I saw I need to weedeat the front lawn. I can't use the lawnmower, it would take longer to haul it out. I like my weedeater. It's cordless. Margaret bought for me for Father's Day last year.
Mentally I feel great. Keeping busy is what it takes. I'm satisfied with my moods. I'm happy the way the house looks. Actually there's some minor things that need tending too. Rainy day work.
I haven't much else to write. I'll do my puzzles until about 8am. It's 6:20 am now.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Last night Teddy barked menacingly and ran to the side door. I jumped out bed and ran to see what he's was barking and growling at. It was the UPS man. (I bet you thought it was Santa Claus..LOL!) I can sleep better knowing that Teddy is on patrol.
I can't copy and paste on here anymore. For reasons I will never know. That's good though, I can create more. I so love to write.
I've been working on stripping a bench for three weeks..on and off. I couldn't find my scraper. I looked almost everywhere. I finally found it. It was on the bench! DUH! I told Margaret I found it. She asked where. I said in the last place I looked..LOL! I got a swat for that one...LOL!
I've had these red stones for years. Yesterday I put some in the ground to make a path. I will try to finish today. I'm gonna make another path to the pool.
I transplanted 5 plants into a whiskey barrel. I put them by the side door. It looks cool. We had a frost warning last night. I hope my plants are okay.
Voices are quiet today. All I hear is my thoughts. COOL! Don't have many days like this.
Just took out the garbage. We are the only house on the street that puts out more recycling than garbage. We put out one bag of garbage and three bins of recycling. I'm big on recycling.
When I was outside this morning, I saw I need to weedeat the front lawn. I can't use the lawnmower, it would take longer to haul it out. I like my weedeater. It's cordless. Margaret bought for me for Father's Day last year.
Mentally I feel great. Keeping busy is what it takes. I'm satisfied with my moods. I'm happy the way the house looks. Actually there's some minor things that need tending too. Rainy day work.
I haven't much else to write. I'll do my puzzles until about 8am. It's 6:20 am now.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Prove it
I have been talking recently about my need to prove myself. I never really talked about it, until now.
As a child I would bring home a report card with 4 A's and 1B. I was yelled at because I didn't have all A's. This drove me to prove I could do it. And I did.
As a teenager I had good grades. I made honor roll through to 9th grade and high honor roll once. Then my rapid decline started. I started using drugs and drinking. My grades plummented fast. In ten weeks my grades went from high honor to failing my best subject..English.
I got sick in the 11th grade. I took my finals while a patient at a hospital. I barely passed. In 12th grade I was living at the state hospital and going to public school. I barely passed once again. I proved to my dad, who dropped out in the 9th grade, that I was better than him by graduating.
I quit drinking and drugs to prove that I could. I got a good job, which lasted for many years. Thus proving to my siblings that I could work at a job longer than them. My wife and I own my home and two cars. Thus proving to them that I was successful and happy.
My head tells me that I'm arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I don't mean to sound like that. My passion is to pass on the lessons I've learned. I genuinely want to put my life "out there" and help.
Why do I keep saying that? What purpose does it serve me? Am I still trying to prove to others that I can do it?
I don't want to walk with my head in the clouds. I truly want to help. It's my passion. I feel good when I help.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
As a child I would bring home a report card with 4 A's and 1B. I was yelled at because I didn't have all A's. This drove me to prove I could do it. And I did.
As a teenager I had good grades. I made honor roll through to 9th grade and high honor roll once. Then my rapid decline started. I started using drugs and drinking. My grades plummented fast. In ten weeks my grades went from high honor to failing my best subject..English.
I got sick in the 11th grade. I took my finals while a patient at a hospital. I barely passed. In 12th grade I was living at the state hospital and going to public school. I barely passed once again. I proved to my dad, who dropped out in the 9th grade, that I was better than him by graduating.
I quit drinking and drugs to prove that I could. I got a good job, which lasted for many years. Thus proving to my siblings that I could work at a job longer than them. My wife and I own my home and two cars. Thus proving to them that I was successful and happy.
My head tells me that I'm arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I don't mean to sound like that. My passion is to pass on the lessons I've learned. I genuinely want to put my life "out there" and help.
Why do I keep saying that? What purpose does it serve me? Am I still trying to prove to others that I can do it?
I don't want to walk with my head in the clouds. I truly want to help. It's my passion. I feel good when I help.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Michael
My brother Michael's residence called and said that Mike needed new clothes. They said they will reimburse me. I took Mike out and bought him 10 pair of socks, 7 shirts, 6 pair of underwear, 4 pair of pants, and a pair of sneakers. (Sounds like the 12 days of Christmas). I threw out his old stained and tattered clothes.
I have this urge to do a good deed everyday. It can be as simple as a smile, or holding a door open, or letting someone ahead of me in a line. The rules are that it must be a random person.
I've been lifting my eyes to meet others eyes. I was surprised at the power of a smile. Alot of people smile and say hello. There is so much unhappiness these days.
Anne Frank wrote "no one has ever become poor by giving."
It feels good to give back. I get alot of delight by giving back. I feel as though I have alot to give.
I challenge all who read this, to do a good deed.
Live unselfishly, love others, laugh with joy, learn that love abounds, listen as your heart warms,
David
I have this urge to do a good deed everyday. It can be as simple as a smile, or holding a door open, or letting someone ahead of me in a line. The rules are that it must be a random person.
I've been lifting my eyes to meet others eyes. I was surprised at the power of a smile. Alot of people smile and say hello. There is so much unhappiness these days.
Anne Frank wrote "no one has ever become poor by giving."
It feels good to give back. I get alot of delight by giving back. I feel as though I have alot to give.
I challenge all who read this, to do a good deed.
Live unselfishly, love others, laugh with joy, learn that love abounds, listen as your heart warms,
David
Monday, May 18, 2009
Monday Rambles
Been up since 3am. I wish I had a better sleep cycle. The one where I fall asleep at the same time and wake at the same time.
It's proving to be a weird day. I feel like being weird and having fun. I will try not to embarass Margaret.
I cannot imagine life without music. It stops my voices, gets me grooving. I have to be careful when I drive, because I get caught up in the radio and forget where I'm going. Thankfully Margaret knows where we are going most of the time.
This week we have no appointments. WOOHOO! Maybe there's a new movie out on friday.
We're gonna go shopping this morning. I like to shop with Margaret..Sometimes I get nice toys...hee hee!
I took a neighbor and his son to the doctor yesterday. The boy has Strep throat.
I should take Teddy out for a walk. If the weather is good maybe I will.
The pool probably needs cleaning.
I'm just babbling here.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
It's proving to be a weird day. I feel like being weird and having fun. I will try not to embarass Margaret.
I cannot imagine life without music. It stops my voices, gets me grooving. I have to be careful when I drive, because I get caught up in the radio and forget where I'm going. Thankfully Margaret knows where we are going most of the time.
This week we have no appointments. WOOHOO! Maybe there's a new movie out on friday.
We're gonna go shopping this morning. I like to shop with Margaret..Sometimes I get nice toys...hee hee!
I took a neighbor and his son to the doctor yesterday. The boy has Strep throat.
I should take Teddy out for a walk. If the weather is good maybe I will.
The pool probably needs cleaning.
I'm just babbling here.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Sunday, May 17, 2009
hmmm a question
I tell Margaret just about everything. I tell her about people that are "stuck." What I mean, is that the person doesn't respond to advice and never seem to "get better."
She asked me today "How did you get so much better, and others didn't."
The 1st thing I did was become willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I stopped using drugs and alcohol. I got real with myself. I stopped telling myself lies.
I always have to prove myself that I can do something. I am very competitive. In school I had to out do my siblings. I set the bar higher. If they got good grades, I drove myself to get every grade better. I don't know if the competition is healthy, but I had to prove it.
When I got SZA, that gave me more to prove. I wasn't gonna let SZA interfere with my hopes, dreams, and goals.
I had a boss tell me once that I wasn't worth the $.85 an hour he was paying me. That sparked what would I become. I proved to him that I was worth alot more. In the end I worked hard enough to get his job.
Hard work, determination, patience, perservance are the things I needed to start my recovery. I still use those traits to this day.
My life is important. I will never lay down and let my SZA take over. I still have to prove I'm worthy. Mostly to myself.
I believe that everyone can work a good recovery. If I can do it so can't anyone who wants to.
Now that I'm here at this stage of my life, I have to give back to what was given to me. Helping others by sharing my life experiences is so awesome.
I give myself freely. I offer my words and my life to help those in need. I was helped all these years. It's time to help. People helping people.
I am a giver not a taker.
Live well, love always, laugh merrily, learn frequently, listen to the sounds of silence.
Dave
She asked me today "How did you get so much better, and others didn't."
The 1st thing I did was become willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I stopped using drugs and alcohol. I got real with myself. I stopped telling myself lies.
I always have to prove myself that I can do something. I am very competitive. In school I had to out do my siblings. I set the bar higher. If they got good grades, I drove myself to get every grade better. I don't know if the competition is healthy, but I had to prove it.
When I got SZA, that gave me more to prove. I wasn't gonna let SZA interfere with my hopes, dreams, and goals.
I had a boss tell me once that I wasn't worth the $.85 an hour he was paying me. That sparked what would I become. I proved to him that I was worth alot more. In the end I worked hard enough to get his job.
Hard work, determination, patience, perservance are the things I needed to start my recovery. I still use those traits to this day.
My life is important. I will never lay down and let my SZA take over. I still have to prove I'm worthy. Mostly to myself.
I believe that everyone can work a good recovery. If I can do it so can't anyone who wants to.
Now that I'm here at this stage of my life, I have to give back to what was given to me. Helping others by sharing my life experiences is so awesome.
I give myself freely. I offer my words and my life to help those in need. I was helped all these years. It's time to help. People helping people.
I am a giver not a taker.
Live well, love always, laugh merrily, learn frequently, listen to the sounds of silence.
Dave
Shake, rattle and roll with the voices
I slept in today. I woke at 4:30am. Not too bad.
The music that WDAVE was playing wasn't a distraction. The commentary is. The voices are not so loud today, but they are abusive. They are horrible. It's hard to shake em.
I hung out with my son and grandaughter yesterday. She finally was wide eyed and alert. She's a doll. Her hair sticks up like a Mohawk. She squeaks too.
I put on some music. That always heals my moods.
I wonder if I'm going in circles. I used to think in circles. I would let my mind wander for a few minutes, then I would retrace the order of the thoughts. It helped my memory. Wait.. what was I talking about. LOL!
We had a strong thunderstorm last night. The pool is full of leaves and seeds from the maple trees. I'm gonna plant my new plants today. Frappe and Teddy are destroying my hosta plant.
I want to go to church, but won't. I have an earring and I know the church would frown upon it. There's a funny story about my church experience. When I joined they said I needed to wear a suit. The only suit I had was a yellow one! OMG! Looking back at that big yellow banana is hysterical. I looked like a pimp! I was taken aside and told that I should wear a black, grey or blue suit. LOL! No sense of humor.
I will leave it at that.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
The music that WDAVE was playing wasn't a distraction. The commentary is. The voices are not so loud today, but they are abusive. They are horrible. It's hard to shake em.
I hung out with my son and grandaughter yesterday. She finally was wide eyed and alert. She's a doll. Her hair sticks up like a Mohawk. She squeaks too.
I put on some music. That always heals my moods.
I wonder if I'm going in circles. I used to think in circles. I would let my mind wander for a few minutes, then I would retrace the order of the thoughts. It helped my memory. Wait.. what was I talking about. LOL!
We had a strong thunderstorm last night. The pool is full of leaves and seeds from the maple trees. I'm gonna plant my new plants today. Frappe and Teddy are destroying my hosta plant.
I want to go to church, but won't. I have an earring and I know the church would frown upon it. There's a funny story about my church experience. When I joined they said I needed to wear a suit. The only suit I had was a yellow one! OMG! Looking back at that big yellow banana is hysterical. I looked like a pimp! I was taken aside and told that I should wear a black, grey or blue suit. LOL! No sense of humor.
I will leave it at that.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Saturday, May 16, 2009
An original Robbins
An original. I usually copy and paste my journals on three sites. Lately I haven't been able to do that. This puter has a mind of it's own. I thought that was a bad thing. It isn't. I get to write more.
I'm in Heaven. I dove into a box of Girl Scout cookies. Caramel delites. MMMMMMMMMMM.
I wish the pool would warm up. I wanna go swimming soooo badly.
Voices are loud. They have been for some time now. Other than that I'm doing okay. I haven't been doing to much around here. I do the cooking and dishes but not much else. I'm stripping a bench so I can paint it.
I woke up with music in my head. That hasn't happened much lately.
Margaret is talking in her sleep. I can hear her but don't know what she is saying.
I miss my son. We always have fun when we hang out. I think I will call him today and see if he wants to hang out.
Teddy just knocked over my cup of water. Frappe came out, but didn't visit me.
The lilac bush is in full bloom. The aroma is soo nice. It also covers up the poopy smells.
My dad emailed and said that my brother and sister-in-law are having a rough go of things. They both had their hours cut. Damn that sucks.
I turned on music. It's cool that music is what helps me. I hated music class in school. Even though, back then, it was my escape. I would put my headphones on and crank it up. The weird thing is that I would read while listening to music.
I'm so glad I don't need to escape anymore. No more hiding for me. My time to bloom is now. There's only so long to hid.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave (the original Dave)
I'm in Heaven. I dove into a box of Girl Scout cookies. Caramel delites. MMMMMMMMMMM.
I wish the pool would warm up. I wanna go swimming soooo badly.
Voices are loud. They have been for some time now. Other than that I'm doing okay. I haven't been doing to much around here. I do the cooking and dishes but not much else. I'm stripping a bench so I can paint it.
I woke up with music in my head. That hasn't happened much lately.
Margaret is talking in her sleep. I can hear her but don't know what she is saying.
I miss my son. We always have fun when we hang out. I think I will call him today and see if he wants to hang out.
Teddy just knocked over my cup of water. Frappe came out, but didn't visit me.
The lilac bush is in full bloom. The aroma is soo nice. It also covers up the poopy smells.
My dad emailed and said that my brother and sister-in-law are having a rough go of things. They both had their hours cut. Damn that sucks.
I turned on music. It's cool that music is what helps me. I hated music class in school. Even though, back then, it was my escape. I would put my headphones on and crank it up. The weird thing is that I would read while listening to music.
I'm so glad I don't need to escape anymore. No more hiding for me. My time to bloom is now. There's only so long to hid.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave (the original Dave)
Friday, May 15, 2009
Early bird gets the voices
Up early. They say that the early bird gets the worm. I get the voices. Worms are not my cup of tea!
I've been up since 4am. Nothing unusal there.
Gonna go see the movie "Angels and Demons." Looks like a good flick.
The voices have been active all week. I try to stop them. I can most of the time.
I feel ackward. It's a feeling that I'm out of place. Looking from the outside in.
It's been a fairly good week. I had my ECT and my shot.
I appreciate all who read my blogs.
I turned on the tunes.
This blog is sporatic at best.
My body and mind are racing.
I cannot think of anything else to write.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
I've been up since 4am. Nothing unusal there.
Gonna go see the movie "Angels and Demons." Looks like a good flick.
The voices have been active all week. I try to stop them. I can most of the time.
I feel ackward. It's a feeling that I'm out of place. Looking from the outside in.
It's been a fairly good week. I had my ECT and my shot.
I appreciate all who read my blogs.
I turned on the tunes.
This blog is sporatic at best.
My body and mind are racing.
I cannot think of anything else to write.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Thursday, May 14, 2009
soul cleansing
I haven't written here in two days. I'm okay. The puter has been giving me problems and yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I spent just about all day with Margaret.
I'm worried about a few things. Three times in less than a week, I almost had a car accident. Two would have been my fault. Today a guy almost backed into me. I passed him and gave him a "what's up" wave of my hand...no finger.
I don't know why I did that, because everytime I get riddled with guilt. I always think he will track me down and assault me.
A few minutes ago a truck was in my driveway. I thought it was the guy from earlier. I went out to see what was going on. By the time I got out there he had sped away. It wasn't even the vehicle.
My mind plays out scenarios like that all the time. I read too much into things. I'm normally a patient man. I try to see the other's viewpoint.
Voices have been loud these last few days. For years I've tried to figure out what "triggers" the voices. I've thought that maybe my moods are responsible or that I was hearing a people's thoughts. I thought that sex was the reason. I first heard voices the first time I was with a girl.
Maybe guilt does it, or me doing stupid things. Or maybe my anger does the trick.
To this day I don't know. I really truly do not know. I have ways to stop them but they always come back.
I may never know. I do know that being proactive in my approach works.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
I'm worried about a few things. Three times in less than a week, I almost had a car accident. Two would have been my fault. Today a guy almost backed into me. I passed him and gave him a "what's up" wave of my hand...no finger.
I don't know why I did that, because everytime I get riddled with guilt. I always think he will track me down and assault me.
A few minutes ago a truck was in my driveway. I thought it was the guy from earlier. I went out to see what was going on. By the time I got out there he had sped away. It wasn't even the vehicle.
My mind plays out scenarios like that all the time. I read too much into things. I'm normally a patient man. I try to see the other's viewpoint.
Voices have been loud these last few days. For years I've tried to figure out what "triggers" the voices. I've thought that maybe my moods are responsible or that I was hearing a people's thoughts. I thought that sex was the reason. I first heard voices the first time I was with a girl.
Maybe guilt does it, or me doing stupid things. Or maybe my anger does the trick.
To this day I don't know. I really truly do not know. I have ways to stop them but they always come back.
I may never know. I do know that being proactive in my approach works.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The morning after pains
It's almost 5:30am. Been up for three hours. I read journals and commented on some. I finished two word fill-in puzzles.
My neck and jaw hurt from the ECT. One of the doctors asked about my insurance. I told him they aren't paying anyone. I feel awful they don't pay. I need those ECT's.
Not sure what my plans are for today. Margaret wants new glasses and her hair done. I told her she should. We'll see.
I hope the weather is nice. I'd like to go outside and do some yard work.
I baked a chocolate cake from scratch, the other day. It was good. I took some to one our friends and gave some to my daughter.
I've been having these weird things going on. I will think of something and I feel like I've been there before and then get a shockwave over my body. It's like deja vu but I get these zaps. It's like a small electric charge. And no it's not let over ECT electricity. This has been going on for weeks.
Voices are being disruptive..at least they are trying. I'm able to push em out. There's two voices speaking clearly and another whispering. I am dealing with them.
Quitting smoking was easier then trying to stop the voices. I battle them everyday. The energy I spend on getting rid of the tremendous. I think it's time to put some music on.
Before my ECT yesterday, I had an anxiety attack. I know I need them even though my insurance pays sporaticlly. I felt uneasy, scared. The staff helped ease my fears. They are a friendly lot.
I see my pdoc tomorrow. It's for my 5 minute shot.
I'm at a loss.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
My neck and jaw hurt from the ECT. One of the doctors asked about my insurance. I told him they aren't paying anyone. I feel awful they don't pay. I need those ECT's.
Not sure what my plans are for today. Margaret wants new glasses and her hair done. I told her she should. We'll see.
I hope the weather is nice. I'd like to go outside and do some yard work.
I baked a chocolate cake from scratch, the other day. It was good. I took some to one our friends and gave some to my daughter.
I've been having these weird things going on. I will think of something and I feel like I've been there before and then get a shockwave over my body. It's like deja vu but I get these zaps. It's like a small electric charge. And no it's not let over ECT electricity. This has been going on for weeks.
Voices are being disruptive..at least they are trying. I'm able to push em out. There's two voices speaking clearly and another whispering. I am dealing with them.
Quitting smoking was easier then trying to stop the voices. I battle them everyday. The energy I spend on getting rid of the tremendous. I think it's time to put some music on.
Before my ECT yesterday, I had an anxiety attack. I know I need them even though my insurance pays sporaticlly. I felt uneasy, scared. The staff helped ease my fears. They are a friendly lot.
I see my pdoc tomorrow. It's for my 5 minute shot.
I'm at a loss.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Monday, May 11, 2009
Breaking out
As you all may know I was a speaker for the Mental Health Association. I had the opportunity to speak to people that have no "illness."
The first time I spoke at the place where my brother lived was the one of the hardest. I spoke in front of the employees. It was an effort to educate them. I was very nervous. When it was my turn to speak, I started out slow, but the overall experience was awesome. They staff were amazed that I was hearing voices right then and there and was still able to get up in front of them and talk.
I also talked to a psychology class, three different times. That was the best talk. They were curious to say the least.
When I left my last job, not many knew I had SZA. I've run into a few and told them I had SZA and they say "I never knew."
I told my dentist that I wasn't normal, because of my SZA. She's said "I always thought you were normal."
When I was waiting at the hospital for my ECT, a woman who was there to give a ride to someone, asked Margaret why I was there and said "he acts so normal."
And lastly, I decided about a year ago to blog on my local newspaper website. I call it The Voices Within. I started that blog to reach out to people who are clueless about the Mentally Ill. I've gotten some good comments. One time I posed the question would you knowingly date a person with a mental disgnosis. One response was " yes..if there was the right chemistry."
I ran across a woman that worked at the state hospital, at the grocery store. We stood there and talked about 20 minutes about the hospital as people walked around us.
Disclosing your illness is personal. You may get some crank people that will look down on you. Then there's others that respond in a postitive light.
I've been fortunate that my small effort to educate, and give SZ a different face has been good.
I am not scared anymore.
If you decide to disclose, be warned that some will not take the news lightly.
I was surprised at the number of people that are not judgemental. The need to educate will always be there. I will be there to offer any insight.
Dave
The first time I spoke at the place where my brother lived was the one of the hardest. I spoke in front of the employees. It was an effort to educate them. I was very nervous. When it was my turn to speak, I started out slow, but the overall experience was awesome. They staff were amazed that I was hearing voices right then and there and was still able to get up in front of them and talk.
I also talked to a psychology class, three different times. That was the best talk. They were curious to say the least.
When I left my last job, not many knew I had SZA. I've run into a few and told them I had SZA and they say "I never knew."
I told my dentist that I wasn't normal, because of my SZA. She's said "I always thought you were normal."
When I was waiting at the hospital for my ECT, a woman who was there to give a ride to someone, asked Margaret why I was there and said "he acts so normal."
And lastly, I decided about a year ago to blog on my local newspaper website. I call it The Voices Within. I started that blog to reach out to people who are clueless about the Mentally Ill. I've gotten some good comments. One time I posed the question would you knowingly date a person with a mental disgnosis. One response was " yes..if there was the right chemistry."
I ran across a woman that worked at the state hospital, at the grocery store. We stood there and talked about 20 minutes about the hospital as people walked around us.
Disclosing your illness is personal. You may get some crank people that will look down on you. Then there's others that respond in a postitive light.
I've been fortunate that my small effort to educate, and give SZ a different face has been good.
I am not scared anymore.
If you decide to disclose, be warned that some will not take the news lightly.
I was surprised at the number of people that are not judgemental. The need to educate will always be there. I will be there to offer any insight.
Dave
ECT
It's ECT day. I have one scheduled for 7:30am. I'm not really depressed. These ECT's are part of the reason that I'm not depressed.
Many MI's stop taking meds because they feel better. The reason they feel better is because of meds. I won't and don't go that route.... ever!
Voices are strong today. Out you bastards!
I really don't have much to write today.
Many MI's stop taking meds because they feel better. The reason they feel better is because of meds. I won't and don't go that route.... ever!
Voices are strong today. Out you bastards!
I really don't have much to write today.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day
If you are a sensitive Mother, do not read this. What I'm gonna write pertains to MY mother only. This may trigger some.
When I was a child, my older brother would beat the shit out of me whenever he felt like it. Nobody protected me. I was always the blame for getting beat up. Dad said I had a big mouth and deserved to get beat and if I didn't stop crying he would threaten to spank me.
My mom who was also afraid to stand up to dear ole dad, never said a word. She never comforted me..NEVER!
Years later I'm a grown man. I have a good life, despite my upbringing.
I remember one time when I got ready to go to a school dance, I combed my hair differently. I went into the living room and mom laughed at me. I was crushed.
My version of a good mom, is one that will comfort me when I am hurting. One that will not ridicule me. She would help me to overcome my fears. Fix my boo boo's.
I wrote that mom was afraid of dad. I don't know how she put up with the verbal attacks. My dad treated her so badly. She is a battered wife. Not physically, but verbally and mentally. She's been his slave since the day they married.
I've written in the past that dad was my anti-role model. Mom is too. I wanted a wife that would stand on her own. A woman that was loving and caring. Strong enough to speak her mind, yet understanding.
Mixing the dad anti-role model and the mom anti-role model together, I took the best parts and combined them into my life. I didn't want to be my father and I didn't want a woman like mom.
Thankfully I was wise enough to know that a man should never treat a woman like the way dad does. The same goes for mom. A woman must protect her children if the father is absent...drunkenly absent.
Mom worked a 40 hour a week job. She had to come home and make dinner for 5 hungry children and dad. I admire her for that.
I understand now why the house was a mess. She was too tired to clean. I did my best to help. I remember one time when I was cleaning, the others were watching tv, I was sweeping the floor. When I got in front of the tv, I lingered there. That didn't work like I thought it would..I got beat up.
In conclusion, mom is older now. She has no children to feed. She never calls or emails. She is still a victim of abuse. I gotta hand it to her they are still together. I would've left his drunken ass years ago.
If you read this and were offended by it..I apologize. This is how I see and remember my mom.
I will be calling her later today to wish her a Happy Mother's day.
When I was a child, my older brother would beat the shit out of me whenever he felt like it. Nobody protected me. I was always the blame for getting beat up. Dad said I had a big mouth and deserved to get beat and if I didn't stop crying he would threaten to spank me.
My mom who was also afraid to stand up to dear ole dad, never said a word. She never comforted me..NEVER!
Years later I'm a grown man. I have a good life, despite my upbringing.
I remember one time when I got ready to go to a school dance, I combed my hair differently. I went into the living room and mom laughed at me. I was crushed.
My version of a good mom, is one that will comfort me when I am hurting. One that will not ridicule me. She would help me to overcome my fears. Fix my boo boo's.
I wrote that mom was afraid of dad. I don't know how she put up with the verbal attacks. My dad treated her so badly. She is a battered wife. Not physically, but verbally and mentally. She's been his slave since the day they married.
I've written in the past that dad was my anti-role model. Mom is too. I wanted a wife that would stand on her own. A woman that was loving and caring. Strong enough to speak her mind, yet understanding.
Mixing the dad anti-role model and the mom anti-role model together, I took the best parts and combined them into my life. I didn't want to be my father and I didn't want a woman like mom.
Thankfully I was wise enough to know that a man should never treat a woman like the way dad does. The same goes for mom. A woman must protect her children if the father is absent...drunkenly absent.
Mom worked a 40 hour a week job. She had to come home and make dinner for 5 hungry children and dad. I admire her for that.
I understand now why the house was a mess. She was too tired to clean. I did my best to help. I remember one time when I was cleaning, the others were watching tv, I was sweeping the floor. When I got in front of the tv, I lingered there. That didn't work like I thought it would..I got beat up.
In conclusion, mom is older now. She has no children to feed. She never calls or emails. She is still a victim of abuse. I gotta hand it to her they are still together. I would've left his drunken ass years ago.
If you read this and were offended by it..I apologize. This is how I see and remember my mom.
I will be calling her later today to wish her a Happy Mother's day.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
2 out of 3 is good ..right?
Today Margaret and I decided to bake some new recipes. I say new to us anyway.
The first recipe is for Applesauce bread. We saw Paula Deen bake it last night. It looked good so we went for it. I had trouble creaming the butter and brown sugar. Upon finishing creaming I put the rest of the ingredients in and baked it. I was pleasantly suprised how it turned out. Paula had trouble getting hers out of the pan..mine just plopped out! After it cooled a bit, I cut some slices slathered it with butter..OMG it was so good. A keeper.
The second recipe is sausage balls. It's a real simple recipe. I had trouble mussing the sausage together with the Bisquick and cheese. I rolled balls of it and baked em. When they were done...YUCK!! It had a nice sausage taste, but a doughy texture. Not a keeper. OH! Did I mention Frappe liked it. He watched me the whole time. I cooked and baked for at least two hours.
My daughter and grandson are here. While Dylan and Mandy were out back cleaning the pool, when Teddy knocked Dylan over and into poopy. We are washing his clothes now.
I made steak and corn on the cob for lunch. MMMMM Those steaks were good. The secret to a good corn on the cob, add suger to the water and boil for 7 minutes.
I am so tired from cooking and baking.
Dylan's smile is infectious. I love the way his face lights up when he sees me. He gets so excited.
At the grocery store I like to play around with the workers. When we cash out we use our debit card. The last step you have push the green confirm button. I asked the cashier how I would do that if I were color blind. She was like "That's a good question" HEE HEE!
At another grocery store a guy was using a forklift. I asked the guy if it was fun to drive it. He said "only at first" HEE HEE!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
The first recipe is for Applesauce bread. We saw Paula Deen bake it last night. It looked good so we went for it. I had trouble creaming the butter and brown sugar. Upon finishing creaming I put the rest of the ingredients in and baked it. I was pleasantly suprised how it turned out. Paula had trouble getting hers out of the pan..mine just plopped out! After it cooled a bit, I cut some slices slathered it with butter..OMG it was so good. A keeper.
The second recipe is sausage balls. It's a real simple recipe. I had trouble mussing the sausage together with the Bisquick and cheese. I rolled balls of it and baked em. When they were done...YUCK!! It had a nice sausage taste, but a doughy texture. Not a keeper. OH! Did I mention Frappe liked it. He watched me the whole time. I cooked and baked for at least two hours.
My daughter and grandson are here. While Dylan and Mandy were out back cleaning the pool, when Teddy knocked Dylan over and into poopy. We are washing his clothes now.
I made steak and corn on the cob for lunch. MMMMM Those steaks were good. The secret to a good corn on the cob, add suger to the water and boil for 7 minutes.
I am so tired from cooking and baking.
Dylan's smile is infectious. I love the way his face lights up when he sees me. He gets so excited.
At the grocery store I like to play around with the workers. When we cash out we use our debit card. The last step you have push the green confirm button. I asked the cashier how I would do that if I were color blind. She was like "That's a good question" HEE HEE!
At another grocery store a guy was using a forklift. I asked the guy if it was fun to drive it. He said "only at first" HEE HEE!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
4:30am today!
WooHoo! I slept in this morning..4:30 am!
I just got done reading emails and journals.
Yesterday started out kinda blah. It didn't stay that way too long. Took the dogs to the park, Frapper..aka Frappe, shook loose his collar..twice. I got mad. I shouldn't have but I did.
Margaret and I went to see the new Star Trek movie. If you are a fan of Star Trek, this movie is a must see. We thoroughly enjoyed it. That's all I will say about that. Don't wanna spoil it. My favorite character is Spock! He's very intelligent with a childlike curiosity.
After the movie we went to a hamburger joint called "Five Guys." They have the best burgers anywhere. We've gone there three times this week! We're hooked! I don't know why they call it Five guys, there were two women there..lol!
After we got home my daughter called and needed dad's taxi service. Dylan was at school and had a temp of 100.3 and had to go home. I don't see him much so I went and got him. I love the way his face brightens when he sees me. It warms my heart.
Mandy and Dylan are coming over today. If the weather is nice we may go to the park. I bought two wooden airplanes, so Dylan and I can put them together and play with em. They remind of the planes I made as a kid. Pass the torch. I love toys.
The circus is in town as well as in my head. I fought them off today. They ain't gonna get me today!
I guess that's all for now.
Live long and prosper, love the small things, laugh at yourself, learn that we are all in this together, listen to your heart,
Dave
I just got done reading emails and journals.
Yesterday started out kinda blah. It didn't stay that way too long. Took the dogs to the park, Frapper..aka Frappe, shook loose his collar..twice. I got mad. I shouldn't have but I did.
Margaret and I went to see the new Star Trek movie. If you are a fan of Star Trek, this movie is a must see. We thoroughly enjoyed it. That's all I will say about that. Don't wanna spoil it. My favorite character is Spock! He's very intelligent with a childlike curiosity.
After the movie we went to a hamburger joint called "Five Guys." They have the best burgers anywhere. We've gone there three times this week! We're hooked! I don't know why they call it Five guys, there were two women there..lol!
After we got home my daughter called and needed dad's taxi service. Dylan was at school and had a temp of 100.3 and had to go home. I don't see him much so I went and got him. I love the way his face brightens when he sees me. It warms my heart.
Mandy and Dylan are coming over today. If the weather is nice we may go to the park. I bought two wooden airplanes, so Dylan and I can put them together and play with em. They remind of the planes I made as a kid. Pass the torch. I love toys.
The circus is in town as well as in my head. I fought them off today. They ain't gonna get me today!
I guess that's all for now.
Live long and prosper, love the small things, laugh at yourself, learn that we are all in this together, listen to your heart,
Dave
Friday, May 8, 2009
Frappe alarm and the bells of St.Margaret
I woke up really early this morning. I messed around online for a bit. I laid back down until the Frappe alarm went off. Nothing wakes you up better than a cold, wet Frappe nose in your face.
Today we plan on going to see the new Star Trek movie. Yup! We're Trekkies! I hope it's good. The first show is at 10:45am.
I've been kinda blah lately. No motivation, no desire to really do anything. I have been keeping up with the pool. I wish I could go in it. Too cold still.
I made a comment on a blog on the local newspaper website. The author of the blog wrote a nice comment back. I don't get many comments on my blog. That's okay.
We went shopping at our favorite discount store. We bought a solar windchime for B and J. We have two on our deck. We also bought a huge windchime that I call "the bells of St.Margaret."
We sent my mom a card for Mother's Day and a Walmart gift card. She emailed us to say she got it and and thank you. I never know what to buy for her. Two years in a row I sent her the same flower arrangement. I was told about it. So now it's a gift card.
We bought a blue hydrangea bush. I planted it by the driveway. While I was out there I heard a cardinal chirping. To my surprise he was on the house next door. As I watched he flew into the nest in the rose bush. They came home! I am so happy I thought they wouldn't come back. I love the way the two them serenade each other.
It's Mental Health Awareness Month. To celebrate I'm gonna write blogs in the newspaper. I hope the state hospital will call me to come up and speak. I'm not gonna call them. I get my message out online.
I feel better writing this. There are a few things that bring me joy. Margaret, flowers, writing, nature, cooking and baking. I see a fruit berry pie in my future...hee hee.
I'm scraping that bench. OMG! What an undertaking. I found my Dremel. That will help with the stubborn parts.
Teddy's class is over. He did really good on the test. I did too. I am so proud of the work he did. We went out for ice cream. They have doggie ice cream too. Teddy loved it. I can't wait for winter so I can hook him up to a sled...heehee!
The voices are quiet today. No music playing. Nice and calm in my head. I've got the Early Show on. I love Maggie's legs. OOPS did I say that?
Wow! For someone who didn't have much to say, I've said alot. I told ya I like to write.
I guess that's enough rambling for now. I don't wanna put all my eggs in one basket. I wanna fry a few. Margaret loves eggs...hee hee.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Today we plan on going to see the new Star Trek movie. Yup! We're Trekkies! I hope it's good. The first show is at 10:45am.
I've been kinda blah lately. No motivation, no desire to really do anything. I have been keeping up with the pool. I wish I could go in it. Too cold still.
I made a comment on a blog on the local newspaper website. The author of the blog wrote a nice comment back. I don't get many comments on my blog. That's okay.
We went shopping at our favorite discount store. We bought a solar windchime for B and J. We have two on our deck. We also bought a huge windchime that I call "the bells of St.Margaret."
We sent my mom a card for Mother's Day and a Walmart gift card. She emailed us to say she got it and and thank you. I never know what to buy for her. Two years in a row I sent her the same flower arrangement. I was told about it. So now it's a gift card.
We bought a blue hydrangea bush. I planted it by the driveway. While I was out there I heard a cardinal chirping. To my surprise he was on the house next door. As I watched he flew into the nest in the rose bush. They came home! I am so happy I thought they wouldn't come back. I love the way the two them serenade each other.
It's Mental Health Awareness Month. To celebrate I'm gonna write blogs in the newspaper. I hope the state hospital will call me to come up and speak. I'm not gonna call them. I get my message out online.
I feel better writing this. There are a few things that bring me joy. Margaret, flowers, writing, nature, cooking and baking. I see a fruit berry pie in my future...hee hee.
I'm scraping that bench. OMG! What an undertaking. I found my Dremel. That will help with the stubborn parts.
Teddy's class is over. He did really good on the test. I did too. I am so proud of the work he did. We went out for ice cream. They have doggie ice cream too. Teddy loved it. I can't wait for winter so I can hook him up to a sled...heehee!
The voices are quiet today. No music playing. Nice and calm in my head. I've got the Early Show on. I love Maggie's legs. OOPS did I say that?
Wow! For someone who didn't have much to say, I've said alot. I told ya I like to write.
I guess that's enough rambling for now. I don't wanna put all my eggs in one basket. I wanna fry a few. Margaret loves eggs...hee hee.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The constant change of change
Alvin Toffler: "Change is not merely necessary to life - it is life."
Maya Angelou: If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
If I didn't welcome change, I would be a lifer in the state hospital or I would be smoking, doing drugs and drinking. Those changes were made for my outside.
I stood in front of a mirror and said I can change and be happy and content. I am.
Some changes were subtle. Like I how found love. Margaret gave her love to me. I had never felt love until I met her. She's my soul mate.
Another change that surpised me was my compassion and empathy for others. I have never felt so good about extending a hand. I believe everyone is worthy of kindness, caring and support. People helping people.
Instead of me being a taker I became a giver.
I embrace change. I bring it to my heart, soul and body. I look for change. I am a work in progress. Will I ever stop changing? NOPE!
Some changes come slowly. The way I deal with my voices is going thru a major overhaul. I started that last year. It's about time! It took me 45 years to get off my butt and do something to counteract the voices.
Change will always be a part of me.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Maya Angelou: If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
If I didn't welcome change, I would be a lifer in the state hospital or I would be smoking, doing drugs and drinking. Those changes were made for my outside.
I stood in front of a mirror and said I can change and be happy and content. I am.
Some changes were subtle. Like I how found love. Margaret gave her love to me. I had never felt love until I met her. She's my soul mate.
Another change that surpised me was my compassion and empathy for others. I have never felt so good about extending a hand. I believe everyone is worthy of kindness, caring and support. People helping people.
Instead of me being a taker I became a giver.
I embrace change. I bring it to my heart, soul and body. I look for change. I am a work in progress. Will I ever stop changing? NOPE!
Some changes come slowly. The way I deal with my voices is going thru a major overhaul. I started that last year. It's about time! It took me 45 years to get off my butt and do something to counteract the voices.
Change will always be a part of me.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
the plant that wasn't seen
Last year I had planted a few gladiolus bulbs and only got one to bloom.
We got in the car one day and I looked where there were a bunch of weeds. In the midst of those weeds was a yellow flower. I didn't think much of it. Upon arriving back home I went over to investigate the yellow bloom. It was the most beautiful flower I had ever seen. It was laying on the ground, with weeds all around. I cut the flower and brought it into the house and snapped a pic. It's one of my favorites.
When I was early on in my SZA career, I was the flower that no one could see. I was amongst some people that were weeds. They wanted to occupy all the good parts and choke me out.
There were some amazing people that saw through the weeds and found me. They nutured and took care of me. I am forever grateful.
We all are flowers in the weeds.
It's like seeing the forest through the trees.
If you haven't been found, shine your light and be a flower in the weeds.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
We got in the car one day and I looked where there were a bunch of weeds. In the midst of those weeds was a yellow flower. I didn't think much of it. Upon arriving back home I went over to investigate the yellow bloom. It was the most beautiful flower I had ever seen. It was laying on the ground, with weeds all around. I cut the flower and brought it into the house and snapped a pic. It's one of my favorites.
When I was early on in my SZA career, I was the flower that no one could see. I was amongst some people that were weeds. They wanted to occupy all the good parts and choke me out.
There were some amazing people that saw through the weeds and found me. They nutured and took care of me. I am forever grateful.
We all are flowers in the weeds.
It's like seeing the forest through the trees.
If you haven't been found, shine your light and be a flower in the weeds.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Monday, May 4, 2009
ebb and flow
I live in a small city in upstate NY. I love living here. I am a city slicker. I also love nature and all it's beauty.
I learn alot from nature. I imagine myself to be an ocean., ebbing and flowing (even though I get sea sick). There's big swells and small swells. There's peace and serenity as the waves wash over the sand. The sand gets pulled into the sea and then it's brought back.
The ocean does get rough. But it will always calm down. It has high tides and low tides. Just like life. The ocean is wide and deep. It's like the mind of humans. There are parts that haven't been reached. It's powerful and majestic.
My brother was on an aircraft carrier in the Navy. He said that even though that ship was so big, the ocean still rocked the boat. (he got sea sick too).
Ships are safe in a harbor, but that's not what they are meant for.
Whether you are in a row boat or huge ship the ocean will treat you the same. Why can't humans learn that?
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
I learn alot from nature. I imagine myself to be an ocean., ebbing and flowing (even though I get sea sick). There's big swells and small swells. There's peace and serenity as the waves wash over the sand. The sand gets pulled into the sea and then it's brought back.
The ocean does get rough. But it will always calm down. It has high tides and low tides. Just like life. The ocean is wide and deep. It's like the mind of humans. There are parts that haven't been reached. It's powerful and majestic.
My brother was on an aircraft carrier in the Navy. He said that even though that ship was so big, the ocean still rocked the boat. (he got sea sick too).
Ships are safe in a harbor, but that's not what they are meant for.
Whether you are in a row boat or huge ship the ocean will treat you the same. Why can't humans learn that?
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Lemon pie and Classic Country
I feel good right now. I got my classic country music playing. (not in my head,,lol!) Sunday as a kid we'd listen to the radio. The only station we could listen to was what King James liked. It was nice. I that memory.
Music is good therapy and shuts up the voices. It is required to have music while I cook.
I wanna go to the flea market. Frappe doesn't have many fleas...HEE HEE!
Today is lemon meringue pie day. Maybe porkchops. Margaret makes her own and I make my own. I don't like hers. That's about the only meal I don't like of hers.
Mandy and I cleaned the pool yesterday. Poor Dylan he was sleeping in the chair and fell out. He's okay, he didn't even cry. I had so much fun with him. He loves dinosaurs. You should see that kid eat! He ate his green beans! I admire him for that..I hate green beans.
The voices weren't too bad today. Thanks Johnny!
OMG this music is soooooooo good.
Well I can't think of much else to write. Maybe I'll write later.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Music is good therapy and shuts up the voices. It is required to have music while I cook.
I wanna go to the flea market. Frappe doesn't have many fleas...HEE HEE!
Today is lemon meringue pie day. Maybe porkchops. Margaret makes her own and I make my own. I don't like hers. That's about the only meal I don't like of hers.
Mandy and I cleaned the pool yesterday. Poor Dylan he was sleeping in the chair and fell out. He's okay, he didn't even cry. I had so much fun with him. He loves dinosaurs. You should see that kid eat! He ate his green beans! I admire him for that..I hate green beans.
The voices weren't too bad today. Thanks Johnny!
OMG this music is soooooooo good.
Well I can't think of much else to write. Maybe I'll write later.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Saturday, May 2, 2009
it worked
This morning I felt like crap. I went for a drive to my old home. When I got there the anxiety swelled up. I left before it got too bad.
After I got back here my daughter called and wanted to do laundry. I wanted to see my grandson anyway.
I forgot who told me to do something besides cooking or cleaning, I tried, but couldn't hold out. I cooked a spiral ham and baked a chocolate cake from scratch. OMG! They were both so good....MMMMMMMMMMM. I also made the frosting for the cake.
I feel so much better. Cooking has been a huge part of my life for years. When I was behind a counter waiting and serving people, I was most happy. Now that I don't work, I still find that cooking, and now baking, are really good therapy.
So when in doubt, whip out the cookbook!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
After I got back here my daughter called and wanted to do laundry. I wanted to see my grandson anyway.
I forgot who told me to do something besides cooking or cleaning, I tried, but couldn't hold out. I cooked a spiral ham and baked a chocolate cake from scratch. OMG! They were both so good....MMMMMMMMMMM. I also made the frosting for the cake.
I feel so much better. Cooking has been a huge part of my life for years. When I was behind a counter waiting and serving people, I was most happy. Now that I don't work, I still find that cooking, and now baking, are really good therapy.
So when in doubt, whip out the cookbook!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Friday, May 1, 2009
A sliver and a shimmer
Hope. The dictionary defines it as: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
Hope is always with me. One time I lived in a homeless shelter. It seemed to alot of the guys that there wasn't any hope. I had a sliver of hope back then. I was in a state hospital for many months, I still had a sliver to hold onto. I saw the shimmer of hope.
I plant, plants in hope that they will grow. I nuture and tend to them. I feed and water them, hoping they will grow strong and healthy. I pull the weeds so they can have room to flourish.
Sometimes my hard work doesn't pay off. A flower will grow and then suddenly wilt. It saddens me when that happens, but I know I did my best to make it grow. The hope then is that next year will be better and they will become more than I ever dreamed.
The early years of my SZA there were seeds planted in my soul. It was up to me to nuture and tend to them. It took years for some of the seeds to produce the desired affect.
I am a slow learner. Just remember that the slow moving snail made it to the ark.
I enjoy writing here. The hope is that we all can learn from one another. And we do!
Live to see the inner spirit grow, love the path that we all share, laugh at ourselves, learn that we are special, listen to the sounds of life,
Dave
Hope is always with me. One time I lived in a homeless shelter. It seemed to alot of the guys that there wasn't any hope. I had a sliver of hope back then. I was in a state hospital for many months, I still had a sliver to hold onto. I saw the shimmer of hope.
I plant, plants in hope that they will grow. I nuture and tend to them. I feed and water them, hoping they will grow strong and healthy. I pull the weeds so they can have room to flourish.
Sometimes my hard work doesn't pay off. A flower will grow and then suddenly wilt. It saddens me when that happens, but I know I did my best to make it grow. The hope then is that next year will be better and they will become more than I ever dreamed.
The early years of my SZA there were seeds planted in my soul. It was up to me to nuture and tend to them. It took years for some of the seeds to produce the desired affect.
I am a slow learner. Just remember that the slow moving snail made it to the ark.
I enjoy writing here. The hope is that we all can learn from one another. And we do!
Live to see the inner spirit grow, love the path that we all share, laugh at ourselves, learn that we are special, listen to the sounds of life,
Dave
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