Teddy and the squirrel

I got my Risperadol Consta shot at my pdoc office. It's a 5 minute visit. I haven't any issues to talk to him about. The voices, well what can I say?

I've been feeling great for a few days. I know it's the weather. I was sad because my tulips died, but my bleeding heart plant is so pretty. I'll take a pic and post it.

I'm proud of myself. Last night was Teddy's obedience class. About an hour before class I kick started up the anxiety machine. I took care of it ..fast! I took deep breaths and went and laid down. By the time we had to leave I felt better. The class went well. I didn't get all huffy and act like a spolied brat. Teddy did some good work. He's catching on quite nicely. Speaking of Teddy, he's sitting on the bench looking out of the window, protecting us from the killer squirrels. HEE HEE! Those squirrels love to tease him. It's funny to watch this huge dog sitting at the window, wanting to get at the squirrel. The squirrel probably goes home and says "That dog is so anxious to get me, so I just sit there going about my business, knowing he can't get me."

I stayed up late (8pm) and slept in this morning (5am). Voices are rummaging through my head, they ain't gonna get me!

I've run out of words. Have a good day all!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

happy revival

Chinese proverb"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will avoid one hundred days of sorrow."

Yesterday was an awesome day. In the morning a friend stopped over for coffee. Margaret made dounts..MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM dounts. We had a nice chat. I learned a few things too. It's always nice to learn something new.

After she left, I went and picked up the kids. My son and I hooked up the pool. It's almost filled, I will finish filling it today.

My son was snooping around and found some squirt guns. Well let me tell ya two squirt guns in the hands of two grown men , lead to alot of fun. He started squirting me. Little did he know I have a water cannon! Needless to say we got soaked. I even got my daughter wet, I couldn't resist..hee hee!!!

It was so hot. The bud thingy things from my neighbors maple tree are attracted to water it seems. I swear every bud is in the pool. I got in the pool to skim it. Well since it's a new pool the bottom is slippery. Yep, you guessed it.. I slipped and fell in! But I'll tell ya something it felt good!

While the men folk were "working" Margaret made the best salibury steak, gravy, smashed potatoes and corn on the cob this side of the town has ever seen. She puts Total cereal in the salisbury steak... But we didn't have any, so she used Cheerios! OMG! That was so tasty!

Teddy came in from the yard, soaking wet. We thought maybe he was in the doggie pool. Nope he went in the big pool, he was jumping a running around in it.

It was a good day. I enjoyed the kids and the meal. Teddy is a blessing!

Live life to the fullest, love the chance of having a new day, laugh at yourself, learn that each day is a gift, listen to your heart,

Dave

lack of care

I had 7 tulips blossom. It was so hot yesterday that they all wilted. I was sad. I so love plants.

If I didn't take care of myself, I would wilt. That isn't what I choose to do. I may have not taken good care of my tulips but I do take good care of me. After all I'm the only me.


We bought another pool. The government sent me some extra money, so we bought a pool. It was on sale too! Saved $50! I asked the kids to come over and help me put it up. I bribed them with food. Margaret makes the best salisbury steak and the best smashed potatoes! Now I'm hungry.

I've been feeling alright. I've been busy doing so much. I have been overworking. I'm telling myself to slow down.

I awoke this morning thinking about a theme for a poem. Since I don't want to waste a creative moment I wrote a few bars. I'll post it when I'm done. The trick to writing a poem is to take time and add to it at the right moment.

This weekend is the 60th anniversary of the Triple Cities Opera. Faust is playing. I've seen it before and would love to see it again. I love getting all decked out and stepping out on the town. Like I'm a party animal! NOT!!! Hee hee!

I'm gonna close for now. I wish you all a good day! Until we meet again.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

pools, flowers, music

Pools and flowers. What can be better than that? I know! French toast and bacon!

I woke with a headache. I took some pills for it.

I know what's wrong, it's my shot due on Wednesday. Three or four days before the shot is due I get "funky." It's not the terrible funk, it's the I want meds funk. I still have a bruise from the shot two weeks ago.

I didn't get the pool up. There's a hole in the bottom. I patched it, but wonder if that will hold. I decided to not fill it up. I'd hate to have all that water flow out of it. We have a smaller pool. Margaret said we could buy a new pool. I don't wanna. I wanna use the pool we already have. There it's settled..hee hee!

I have daffodils. My tulips will blossom today. I can't wait. I'll snap a picture of them. My bleeding heart is also getting ready to blossom. The plant isn't as big as last year, but it's bushier. Is "bushier" a word? If it isn't it should be.

Voices are sporatic today. I just can't stop them. It's bothering me today. Like the sound of fingerrnails scratching on a blackboard. It's an hour before I can take my morning meds.

I'll put on some tunes. There.... bye bye voices...hello Cheap Trick!

I've babbled and dabbled enough. Have a day the best you can.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

knowing my limit

Yesterday was a nice, hot, sunny day. Felt like we skipped right into summer.

I decided to set up my pool. It's a "fake" pool according to a local pool retailor. It's one of those pop up pools you buy at Walmart. Fake or not it's a welcome relief when the Mercury tops 80.

It's 16' round and 32" deep. It's quite heavy to say the least. I leveled the ground off the other day. So yesterday I dragged it out of the shed. I filled it with about an inch of water so I could stretch it out. After awhile I couldn't take the heat and was getting lite headed. Plus I just wasn't strong enough. So I stopped and plan on finishing it today.

I used to be the type of person who likes to finish what I start. There are times when I have no other alternative but to walk away, I don't like to but have to. I learned from doing Suduko puzzles that when I get to the point where I'm not able to finish a puzzle, that I need to walk away. I have found that when I come back to whatever I was doing with a clearer head I'm able to finish.

When I write journals I have a hard time knowing how to finish. I like to write. I feel that I leave whatever I'm writing, like a cliffhanger. It's hard for me to wrap it up.

Thank you to all who read my journals. I get my inspiration from you all. I read the journals you write. I draw my strength for you.
We walk through this life together. It's nice to walk with you.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

voices whisper

Voices are not of my choice. I was thrust upon with them. I believe I have them because I can handle them. I'm sorry I keep journaling about them, but they are one of my biggest problems.

I am able to sift through and find my true voice. The voice of reason and empathy.

It's like penquins. The little penquins find their parents by the sounds they make.

For a long time I listened to the whisper of the voices. I was drawn to them. I never thought that I wouldn't hear them. I accepted the fact that I will always hear them.

I try to find ways to stop. Medicine helps quell them. Concentration works sometimes. The "push" is a good tool. All these tools and I still hear them. Imagine the power they have.

Echoes in the canyon. I send out a voice and it comes back.

I thought I was getting messages from outer space, or that the tv and radio were sending me messages. I also thought that other people were projecting their thoughts in my mind. Well you know what? Those aren't the source. I still don't know why I hear voices. Is it a gift? Or is it a curse?

It still amazes me that the voices are so persistent.

The good news is that even after 29 years of hearing voices, I came out on top. Take that voices... all of you!

Living a life is hard on it's own. Add a few voices and the struggle gets 10x harder. I may never know the where and how of the voices. The why I hear them is a question without an answer. Have I given up? NOPE!

Thank you for allowing me the privledge of talking about the voices. I tell Margaret about them. She's amazed in them. Why not? I am too.

Voice or no voice I will live my life the best I can.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave and the voices in the yard

active awareness

Recently I've had to deal with high anxiety. The best way to treat that for me is to stay active. It seems of late that I've been overly active.

Now that the warm weather is upon me, the busier I'll be.

But what about the depression? I don't feel depressed that much. When I do, I do the same thing as anxiety, I get active.

I just took a break from the yard. I was leveling it off for the pool. I'm not as young as I'd like to be, but the good thing is, I'm not anxious or depressed. OH! And the voices are quiet.

Sitting and doing nothing is not an option for me. The house and yard are looking great. My keg is slowly becoming a 6 pack.

I told you all that I'm slow. One hour a day of activity is good. I keep to that . Most days though I work alot more than one hour.

We bought another windchime. A 48" one. I have to mount it on the deck. Last week we bought a 60" windchime. It sounds like a church bell. St.Margaret's bells ..hee hee.

Well my break is over. The yard is calling my name.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Good Teddy, Dad Dave

Last night we took Teddy to his obedience class. He did well, I didn't. I felt extremely uncomfortable. The trainer is alright for Teddy. I don't care for her. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I told Margaret I wanted to leave and not finish the class. There's two more classes. I dread the thought of going back.

I fear intimacy. I am very shy in social situations. At parties I was a wallflower. Right now this very moment thinking about all that has elevated my anxiety. That hasn't happened in weeks.

I can get up and talk in front of a large audience with no problems, but when it comes to talking face to face I fear it.

I've been having these flashbacks that seem like dreams..bad dreams. When one comes it zaps me. It's like I was hit by lightening. The jolt only lasts a second. This isn't anything new, it's been going on for months.

At the hospital on Monday for my ECT, a staff member wants to come over for coffee. I said it was okay. This woman has been good to me and Margaret when I'm an inpatient. I feel anxious because the house isn't prim and proper.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

46 and wondering

At 46 years old, I still wonder how my folks feel about me. I can only assume. Will I ever know?..nope.

Moving past that fact, I will live my life as best as I can.

I can't let my feelings from the past weigh me down. I am learning to move on. Hard? yes. Painstaking? yes. Possible to overcome? yes. Can I do it? YES!

Let me write about something else.

The ECT went well yesterday. I have a sore jaw and neck pain. Don't worry it goes away.

Voices are talking softly. COOL! I'm trying to sift through and find MY thoughts.

It's not as easy as one might think.

French toast and bacon sound good for breakfast. I put eggs, milk, sugar, cinnamon and pure vanilla in it. Bread that's a little old is best. Fresh bread makes it mushy. One time I went camping and ate a whole loaf of french toast! It was soo good I couldn't stop eating.

I'm getting to like the Food Network. I've learned some good tips.

I reread this journal about 5 times. I guess I'm satisfied with it. (It's more like I can't find anything else to write.)

Live long and prosper, love the life you've been given, laugh merrily, learn that you can overcome, listen to your heart it brings life,

Dave

A staff view and a patient view

This is stuck in my head. The only way to be rid of it is to write about it.

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a former staff of the hospital, at a grocery store. We chatted about the hospital. I want to examine what she feels about the hospital now and what I saw then and see now.

She started off saying that it's like a country club. All the patients needs are taking care of. Therefore they don't do or need to do anything. She said it isn't like the old days where patients could roam the grounds. There wasn't a fenced in area.

Here's my view of then.

The first unit I was on, there were fenced in porches. They had these huge orange plastic chairs. On weekends that's how we got fresh air. The building was drafty and the decor was less than appealing. They rounded us up like cattle. We had to line up for meds, meals or whatever. There was no carpet on the floors. The dorms were crowded. The food was horrendous. We were able to get schooling. There was no group therapy.

When I got admitted to an adult ward, we were allowed two smokes on the half hour. That was the only thing to look forward to.The showers were awful. I remember one time they had such an overflow that patients slept on beds in the hallway. You were given ground privileges for "good" behaviour. There was alot of abuse by staff back then. They didn't care. It was just a job for most of them. There were some good staff that cared.

Okay now. The last time I spoke there it was hot in the "day"room. There was carpet on the floors. The windows were new. The paint is cheerful. There were several paintings on the walls. The chairs are comfortable. It is very well lit.

They have classes and guest speakers. The groups are held on an different floor. Their main goal is to give the patients tools to use when they get out.

In my opinion the "new" style they have is far better than it was the last time I was there as a patient.

Whose view is right? Is it a country club? Are the patients pampered? Is there hope they will get out?

The only question I can answer is that yes there is hope.

They do have alot more ammentities.

I wrote about this before. I'm sorry. But it doesn't feel right to blame the patients. Looking at how they reacted to my speech, is appalling. 10 FELL asleep! Including 1 staff!!

There's alot of confusing thoughts whirling about my head. I have been able to "witness" both sides of the locked doors.

Where do I stand? I stand with the patients. They need it alot more than the staff.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

toolbox

Learning to live with SZA and the voices requires the proper tools and maintenance. One thing that I do on a regular basis, is see what works for other people.

If I read something that a person did to overcome an obstacle, I'll try it. If it doesn't help, then it doesn't go in the toolbox.

I like to cook. In order to make something, I must use the proper tools. I have so many kitchen gadgets. (tools or toys?) I bought and egg seperator the other day, it worked better than I thought.

I go for my ECT in a little while. I feel good. The ECT will insure that I feel even better.(a good tool for me).

I have 4 daffodils that blossomed. I look at other people's yard and they tons of daffodils. I don't get jealous, well maybe some, I keep the hope up that I will get more. It's the quality that counts. (of course mine are the best..lol!)

I made apple dumplings yesterday..OMG! they were the best yet! I was crabby, but after seeing them and tasting, that crabbiness left the building. Cooking has always been the best medicine for me. When I see how good it looks and tastes even better, How can I not feel better?

The voices aren't too bad right now. The music is gone. I haven't got the time to listen to the nonsense that echoes my mind.

I gotta go shower and get ready for my ECT. Have a great day!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The bad turns into good

Last night I got the idea for the theme of this sharepost.

I always tell Margaret some of the things I did as a child. I say that I was a bad kid. Yes! I was!

In 1973 we moved from our little village into the extreme country. I hated it as soon as we moved. I still do hate that place, even though I haven't been there in years. I was pulled away from my friends and the place I loved the most.

After the move I started to get angry. It got worse as time went on. I was in the 5th grade, and fearful of my classmates. (The only sanctuary were the woods.) I was out of place from day one.
I had curly brown hair, acne and very shy. I made a few friends. As it turned out those friends were as bad as I was.

By the 9th grade I was into drugs, drinking, and acting up. My grades plummented in short order. I argued with anyone that would argue back. I know now the drugs were making me feel more out of place then ever. I skipped school on a regularly. I got suspended for three days once. I didn't care. The family surely didn't care so why should I? I ran away for two weeks. I stayed out late and partyed every chance I could.

Most of all I was angry. I acted out my anger, that's all I had. I used to say if we didn't argue there would have been no communciation. I wasn't supposed to feel. Emotions didn't exsit.

The thing I regret the most is that I stole money from my mom. Looking back I see how selfish that was.
When my 1st onset of psychosis in 1980, and my subsquent hospital stay ocurred, my life changed. In the hospital if you were angry they would put you in a "quiet" room. I never understood why they called it the"quiet room" because whoever got put in there would scream and yell until exhaustion kicked in.

I learned to control my anger. I was taught that it's okay to feel happy.

The moral of this story is that out of darkness I became the man I am today. Caring, kind, considerate, compassionate, empathic. I turned the corner on my spoiled kid days.

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel. Seeing your way through to the other side is a joyous occassion. Turn the dark into the light. It's easier to see that way.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave

the time is now

Monday is my ECT. I cannot wait. The shot helped the voices. The ECT helps the depression. I'm not depressed. The ECT is for maintenance. Besides I haven't got the time to be depressed. It just occured to me that staying busy not only keeps the anxiety away it also keeps the depression at bay. "Idle hands are the devils' workshop" my grandpa would always say.

The importance of staying physically active has just awakened in me. The results can be far reaching. Making a list helps to see how much I've done. It keeps me focused.

The backyard is looking good. All the junk is out except an old lawnmover that's been there since the beginning of time. LOL! Now I have to clear a spot for the pool. Just a minor adjustment. Today I have to rake leaves by the driveway. The back porch needs tending.

My flowers are doing good. Quite a few up but none blooming. I have to fence off a flower box because "jaws and claws" Teddy likes to dig. I bought some weed killer, it killed like it said it would. My weeping tree has fuzzies were the buds were and the bees love it.

Speaking of bees, when I was young there was a Honey manufactoring plant near us. Every year they'd put honey out for the bees. A friend and I would go over there and swat bees with our belts. Bee sting pain goes away after a while.

Chip, our starfish has disappeared. We think that he may have crawled out of the tank. I hope "jaws and claws" didn't eat em.

I've run out of things to write. I'm gonna do some word fill-in puzzles and turn on some music. Have a great day!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

the shot helps

Got my Risperadol Consta shot yesterday and I feel better.

There was music in my head when I first woke up, but now there's nothing but an empty head. Even the voices are silent this morning.

Yesterday was a nice warm day so I thought I'd clean gutters. Sounds easy right? NOT! lol! I got the ladder out and began to dig out the mess. I tried to hose them. I ended up digging that stuff out with my hands..yuck! The whole time on the ladder I kept thinking I would fall off. (that's why the gutters are so bad.) They are much cleaner now.

I left a light on in the basement. I don't go in the basement when it's dark. The lights don't help my fear. Well I finally decided to go down and turn it off (Margaret prodded me).

When I went down I thought that maybe someone was down there. I checked all the areas where I thought a person would hide. The fear tore through me like a tornado. I jerked my head up and hit the duct work and now I have a 7" scratch on my head. It wouldn't be so bad, but I'm bald and so I can't hide it. Thankfully though I wear a hat when I go out. I didn't find any people down there, but I still ain't going back for awhile.

Took Teddy to obedience school last night. It went well. BUT! Before we went left, Teddy brought some of the gutter mess and scattered it all over the place. What a mess. So obedience school was a good investment.

Live for today, love your dog even though he makes messes, laugh at least 10x's a day, learn that you touch lives, listen to the sound of silence,

David

stupid SZA's?

Does having SZA mean I'm stupid? I'm not.

A car is driving down the road when all of a sudden one of the tires falls off. He pulls over, right in front a of Psychiatric Hospital. He gets out and sees that the four lug nuts are missing. He stands and wonders what to do.

A patient is watching through the gate. He tells the guy to take one lug nut from the other three tires that way each tire will have three nuts each.

The man says "Wow! What a good idea." "How'd you'd ever think of that?"

The patient tells him "I am a schizophenic, I'm not stupid."

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The day the light went out.

This is in response to smoking.

I quit about 16 or 17 years ago. I was smoking three packs a day back then.

The last day of smokes.

I bought a carton of cigs at work. I got home, and decided I wanted to play some basketball with my son. We went to the park near where we lived.

It was a bright, sunny, warm summer afternoon. About 5 minutes of playing I couldn't breathe. I had to sit and catch my breath.

I decided that was enough. I went home took the carton of smokes and smashed them.

I had been wanting to quit for months. I read alot of anti-smoking material. I was very concerned about my 3am coughing episodes, and the price of cigs. At that time they were about $2.50 a pack.

After the park, I needed a plan. I didn't want to buy sugarless candy, too expensive. I decided to stop drinking soda and coffee as well. I drank alot of water, it has no calories.

I also needed to figure out how to stop the physical part. I found a small smooth stone. Whenever I had the urge to smoke I would rub the stone until the urge went away. I rubbed that stone alot those first few weeks. That stone saved my life.

At Walmart I saw a sign with the price of smokes. $8 a pack. If I were still smoking 3 packs a day it would cost me $24 a day or $8,760 a year!

Saving that much money is awesome. Maybe I'll go to Vegas.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

I'm trying

I've been up since 2:30am. I'm doing my word fill-in puzzles. I'm a classic multi-tasker.

The Little River Band is singing "Reminiscing" in my head. Cool song. Voices are here too. I don't care what they say, I do not listen to them anyway.

I'm working on a project. I discovered that I type fast. I misspell words. My project is too take it slow. I'm always in hyper mode when I type. I'm trying to slow down. Besides I have all the time in the world.

I tried to lay down, but that gave me a headache.

I see my pdoc tomorrow for my Risperadol Consta shot. I can't wait.

It's supposed to be nice today. The yard is calling me. There isn't much left to do out there. I guess I'll have to go back to the basement.

I turned on some "REAL" music. Bye, bye voices.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Rainbows or waterfalls?

I slept in this morning. I woke up at 3:45am.

The song lyric of the day is-"don't go chasing waterfalls".

The voice chip in my head is also playing.... popping in and out and around my mind. I talk alot about my voices. More now than I ever have. Why? I think that if I talk about them enough they will leave me alone. Not many people understand the scope and gravity of hearing voices. Some say they aren't real. They are very real to me.

The voices I hear aren't God or the devil. They ain't angels or demons. They are people's voices I hear during the course of a day. It could be people on tv or radio (when the radio in my head isn't playing.) Or people from my past. A friend of mine died last year. I still here his laugh.

Even though I hear voices, I still manage to have a good life. I learned years ago, that if I listen to my voices, I will get sick.

At times I have to force myself to concentrate on something outside my mind, it could be music or tv, or doing housework. Cooking is a good way to stop the voices. (there is the food connection, bet you thought I wouldn't say it!)

Well this is getting long. Chase your dreams. Look for rainbows.

Live to see the beauty in everything, love the simplest things, laugh at how the world gives you lemons and make a lemon pie, learn that YOU are important, listen to the still voice in your head.

Dave

Silly Sunday Sounds

It's Sunday. It doesn't make any difference what day it is, they all are equal.

Voices were talkative today. I chatted with a friend. We had a good talk and I completely forgot about radio station WDAVE.

There's times when I need to step away from my SZA. I try to share my time with you all and Margaret and home life. Step back and put my SZA against the wall, so I can clean the floor.

How does lemon pie sound? Well actually it doesn't make any sound. Isn't weird how we say things? Like when Margaret and go somewhere and someone will say "Hi Guys" I politely respond "she's not a guy." Or how about when someone says what does the newspaper say? I say "it doesn't say anything you have to read it.' And lastly when someone says "I'm mentally ill." Nobody ever says "I'm diabetic or I'm cancer."

If someone offered you help would you accept it? If not why? I accept all the help offered. Dear old dad never accepts help. His knees are bad and he could've have them taken care of years ago, but refused to go to the doctor. I'll tell ya if my knees get worse I will do whatever it takes to make them better.

I learned something about Teddy. He doesn't like it when you blow in his face. My nose can attest to that.

Other than feeling really tired, my mental state is weird, but good. What continent is the mental state on?

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

I failed?

Napoleon Hill wrote"Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities."

I wonder how many times I failed. There were times when I wouldn't try something because I feared I'd fail.

I worked in a cafe for years. I started out as a busboy, eventually became manager. As a busboy I failed for a period of time to get ahead, to be be recognized. Then one day I was shown how I was failing. Soaking that in I decided to take on the challenge and be the best busboy ever. That's was the first step on my long journey.

I don't think I'm great. I think I'm wise because of my failures.

I sometimes get frustrated over something, and say "forget it I ain't gonna do it." I will walk away, collect my thoughts, get some logical thinking and come back to solve what got to me. My dad, the anti-role model would give up if he failed. That is never an option.

Learn from what is on your plate. Speaking of plates, as a child I hated pumkin pie. Now I love it. The failed attempt at making a decent lemon pie, proved to be an education. Now the pie is better, but it still needs tweaking a bit.

Have you noticed the food theme? I love food, planning, shopping, and cooking.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

through the eyes of babes

I got up at 3am. I couldn't get back to sleep. Usually I can't go back once I wake. So I come out to my chosen family.

Yesterday I went to see my grandson. He's a cool kid. When I pulled up to his house a great big smile filled his face. He says "Grandpa, I found you!" I snatched him up and gave him a great big grandpa hug and kiss. I looked right in the eyes and told him, "I love you!"

I chatted for a bit and asked my daughter if she wanted to hang out with me. We went to see my brother MIke. When we got to Mike's, there was a female duck just hanging out near the front door. I said "look Dylan a duck!" He eyes got big and was entranced by the duck. I asked him "what does a duck say?" He's says "quack, quack!" It was so cute.

We visited Mike for a few minutes. Then I brought them over here. Dylan headed right for the saltwater tank. He says "look grandpa Nemo has a tail!" "Nemo is a clown fish, grandpa." They visited for a bit , then I brought them home. It was a nice visit.

Wouldn't it be great if we adults could look at the world through the eyes of children? Imagine how much wonder and pure joy we could have.

I used to do this in my mind alot. I would pretend I was looking at things for the first time. I would look around and think "wow, that's cool or that is amazing or I wonder how they built that." I was astounded at how many new things I found.

I'm running out of things to write. I would like to thank you all for your support. It has been a lifesaver for me.

"Walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk in front of me, I may not follow. Walk beside me and be my friend."

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The good, the bad, the better

Auguste Rodin wrote"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely."

During one of my high anxiety events, it was hard to see or even think of how to get out of it. I couldn't see past the anxiety. My mind was racing, I had all these terrible thoughts. I felt despair, and fear. I couldn't think logically. It crippled me.

After what seemed like an eternity, I arrived on the other side. I saw my way through.
I am new to the anxiety attacks and how to cope with them. I took deep breaths, I turned on some music, I got up and forced myself to get busy and I told myself that I can get over this.

Sitting still and doing nothing wasn't and isn't an option.

I wrote a note as a reminder of the theme of this post. "Remember the good things when feeling bad." Not only remember the good things, remember that I got through it. That's the light at the tunnels end..I made it through a hard situation and I can do it again. That's the wisdom of the experience.

It's like my lemon pie recipe. The first two attempts were okay. After talking to Margaret and coming up with ways to make it better, it did get better. The mistakes I made those two times showed me that if I tweaked just a bit, it was worth trying. I made some mistakes with the 3rd try. Again my experience will make my 4th pie even better.

Thomas Edison tried 2,000 times to make a light bulb. If he can keep trying , so can I.

live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Lemon pie, meatballs and paradise

I made another lemon meringue pie. It's in the fridge and we will get to it tomorrow. I stuck my finger in and it tasted good.

Moving right along to meatballs. YUCK!They were the worse meatballs I ever cooked! I tried a recipe from our favorite Italian restaurant. They sure as heck didn't even come close to theirs. YUCK! Well needless to say that recipe got shredded.

Then there's paradise. Right here in Binghamton's 1st ward. Margaret is amazing. She puts up with me no matter what. ..even through crappy meatballs.

We got a call yesterday from the garage that inspected our car last year. It was a reminder that the inspection is due. OMG! I totally forgot. Thankfully they called. I take it in tomorrow.

At Walmart today my hand started tingling and pain was shooting up my arm. Margaret talked me into going to the doctor's office. He couldn't find anything wrong. He did a thorough exam. He said if it doesn't get better to call his office.

No matter what happens..take care of it. And if your meatballs don't turn out too good, Frappe and Teddy will eat them.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

Do I or don't I?

Helen Keller said "Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."

I have a choice today. Do I suffer or do I overcome?

I've had SZA for almost 3 decades. I never imagined in my wildest of dreams that I could overcome whatever blocked my vision. I quit drinking, drugs, cigarettes, and caffeine. All because I choose to overcome.

I suffered at the hands of an abusive brother, an alcoholic father. I chose to overcome that. I faced my worst fear and overcame it.

I admit overcoming the emotional abuse has been my life's journey. What a ride it has been! Would I trade it? NO way!

My experiences are what made me who I am today at this very moment. I can sit and cry and I can sit and laugh. I do both regularly. I could look backwards all I want. In doing so, I could walk into a parking meter. I choose to look at where I am and where I wanna be...besides walking into a parking meter hurts.

For the longest time when I walked I looked down. I was ashamed and fearful of people's eyes. I had nothing to look up to. Then I asked myself do I or don't I? I try to look up and face the world square in the eyes. I said try. There's times when I catch myself looking down. I tell myself to look up, walk proud.

Patience & perservance are what it takes to change a behavior.

I'm a work in progress. Always looking for things to help me overcome. You'd be surprised what I find.

I guess I'll close for now. I'm gonna so searching.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

ah! the simple life

Margaret and I have a simple life. We keep to ourselves. Last night we were watching Judge Judy. When the baliff calls the people for the next case, he does this finger thing. I always mimic his jesture. Last night Margaret asked me how he and I do it. I was teaching her how to do it when I said "Boy oh boy aren't we a sad lot." We laughed so hard. What a life! You gotta love it.

This morning was good. No wake up music and very few voices.

The kitchen needs cleaning. I like to clean because I get to listen to my music.

I guess that's all for now.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Monday Morning Musings

It's early Monday morning. I didn't write yesterday. I couldn't find any words to write. I'm hoping I can today. I so love to write.

I haven't been very busy this last week. I feel guilty. The house isn't too bad. Gonna mop the floors today so the dogs can paint new mud pictures all over again. We have white ceramic tiles in the kitchen. The dogs come into the kitchen through a doggie door on the back porch. It's almost impossible to keep the floors "mud free". I told Margaret that we could wet Frappe down and use him as a mop...lol! Yesterday I turned on the kitchen light only to find doggie prints on the counter. I sent a copy to the FBI for analysis...LOL! I love my dogs!

The city is slowly getting back to "normal." The massacre will be indented in our minds forever. The outpouring of support from everyone is truly amazing. I say alot that I believe in the human spirit. The spirit people have shown each other these last 4 days is immense.

We have a free week this week. No appointments. WOOHOO!

I so wish it would stay warm until Sept. I want flowers!!! Speaking of that I put the bench planter out and filled it with potting soil.

I sectioned off a part of the backyard so I could grow grass. Well my job of keeping the dogs away from it didn't work. They now have a new potty.

I guess I found a few words after all.

OH! My brother-in-law (Jim) had bypass surgery and is in I.C.U. I hope he makes it. He also has emphysema. I'm so glad I quit smoking when I did. Jim is only a year older than I.

If you smoke, remember you are hurting yourself in so many ways. My aunt died last year from COPD due to smoking. It's an awful way to suffer.

Live righteously, love unconditionally, laugh merrily, learn from those who came before you, listen with your heart,

David

April 4th, 1980

It was a decent plan. My friend Mike would ask to stay at my house and I'd ask to stay at Mike's house. Mike knew a church in Owego where we could spend the night. Brillant! So we hooked up a ride to Owego. Bought some drugs and beer.

There was this girl that wanted to party with us, we said of course. It didn't take long before we were all over that girl. I kissed her so much I didn't know where we were. Time seemed to stand still.

Somehow we ended up in the woods. She had to pee. I went with her. The guys were shouting for us to hurry up. There was thorn bushes. The girl was laying on the ground, I helped her up. My vision was blurred so badly I couldn't tell what happened.

All of a sudden, like a light switch, I heard people in my head. They were telling me it would be okay. You are fine. This is what happens the first time with a woman. I was mesmerized.

The voices laughed a deep, heavy laugh. The voices were loud, booming. They told me I was bad and evil for taking advantage of that girl. They said I had to pay for the sins of my friends.

I didn't know what to do. I was confused and amazed by the voices. I was numb. I concentrated on the voices. They told me to listen. They are in control now.

After getting back to the car, Mike said he was going home. I didn't care. So I hitched a ride to my house. I got home about 3:30am. My parents never said a word about how late I came in that morning.

I didn't sleep that 1st night. I couldn't the voices were bad back then. I didn't tell anyone, not even my best friend. Nobody believed in me anyway.

That was 29 years ago today. I have heard voices almost everyday since. In fact I hear them right now. (Judge Judy). One time I didn't hear them for a whole month. That was three years ago.

My voices don't tell me to hurt anyone. They don't tell me to do things. I'm learning to "push" them out as soon as I hear them. It works most of the time. I would love so much to have control of them.

Since 1980 I've had numerous hospitalizations and just about every med available. I have had dozens of ECT's. I've been in therapy. The best thing that ever worked was my own effort to "push" them out. It takes alot of energy and determination to fight back the voices.

Journaling has helped.

April 4th, 1980 is when my world was shaken up. I regret that I have to deal with the voices 29 years later. But I will keep working to find a way to stop them. I have not given up nor do I intend to.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

old school

Song lyrics from "Delta Dawn" are repeating in my head. Too early to turn music on. The judge's voice from People's Court is talking loudly. I'm pushing that voice out.

Yesterday at the grocery store, I ran into a former state worker that took care of me in 1980's. I was nice to see her. We talked about the "the hill" and how it has changed.

She worked there for 38 years. She was saying that, now it's like a "country club." The patients have no drive to get out and stay out. She said that everything is provided for them...meals, meds, shelter.

When I was there in the 1980's it was hard. They (the staff) were gruff, but they got the point across. Either you got up and helped yourself or you became a "lifer."

I don't know exactly how it is there. From what I've seen in my gigs it is a "country club." It breaks my heart to say that. I cannot go into details because of confidentiality laws. I will say, from what little I've seen, I'm saddened. Where is the motivation to get help?

This bugs me. I'm torn. I want to give the patients an example of how they can go out and and make it. But if they aren't driven, then they will be "lifers."

I realize I cannot save all the starfish. I am still gonna try. I cannot and will not give up on those people. People didn't give up on me. Country Club or not I believe that each and everyone of those patients has a chance at life "outside the locked doors."

Flip the coin

I, for reasons my own, decided to not write for awhile. I cannot censor myself like that. Writing for me is a way to clear out the mess (cobwebs actually) from my head. I have to write. I feel poorly when I don't write. It's like a coin..there's two sides to it and they co-exist in the same space.

I haven't been on top of things lately. The 4th of April is 2 days away. I will write about the 4th that day. I don't want to say much now about Sat. I want to make sure that I get all the thoughts out then.

The voices are...voices.... I was really hoping that my way of pushing them out would work. They come fast and leave just as fast. I know that the voices will never go away. BUT I will look for ways to counter them.

On a entirely different note, I have about 6 crocus flowers blooming. It is so nice to see color in my flower beds. My indoor plants are doing well. I can't wait to bring them out into the sun and fresh air.

I got my Risperadol shot yesterday. That helped. I didn't talk much to my pdoc. I rarely talk to him. I go there for the meds. I get therapy elsewhere (online).

I haven't much else to write.

Liev, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

The woods

It's Saturday. The day is warm and sunny with a slight breeze rustling through the trees. The peace and calm is refershing.
Dad's been at the bar all morning long and will be home soon. The chaos will soon begin. I know when he comes home he will be angry. He always comes home angry. Angry at Lord knows what or why. It doesn't matter, nothing can stop his fury.
It's one o'clock in the afternoon. I hear the car coming down the driveway. My fear and anticipation mount. I've been through this too many times. The peace and tranquility is shattered like broken glass.
Dad comes in the house you can see the anger in his face. At that moment all's quiet, no one says a word. We don't dare. We walk on eggshells. We don't wanna set the him off. Though we try, we cannot stop the inevitable.
Dad sits in his chair and orders me to get him a beer from the fridge. I comply. I can never not do what he says. I must follow his demands or face a fierce tongue lashing. At least he doesn't hit me, that's Perry's job.
All of a sudden he starts his tirade. His face twists and contorts barely rocognizable. You can see the the anger and hate. He's yelling at me to clean my bedroom. I had cleaned it earlier, but apparently not to his standards. I try with all my might to please him. He's always bashing me. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm angry. I yell back. My mistake. We get into it heavy. Venom spews from our mouths. Hurtful words. I don't care, I've had enough. For more years then I care to count this drama plays out. I yelled what I had to get out, now I must run.
I run from the house into the woods. I hear them calling me. I run until I cannot hear any of them. After awhile I sit down on a log covered with moss. Tears run down my face. I cry out "why can't dad be happy?" I have no answer. That question will never have an answer to it.
After taking some deep breaths I settle down. The anger and fear vanish. I wipe the tears from my face. I look around for answers to my prayers. I realize the answer surrounds me. The trees, the birds, the stream all of it is there for me. Time is irrelevant here.
The woods sounds comfort me. There's a woodpecker tapping on a tree. A snake slithers through the dead leaves. The leaves blowing in the wind soothe me. The stream babbling along brings joy to my soul. The song birds sign their songs in a harmonious melody. The smell of moss and the and the fresh clean air waft through the breeze.
The woods are my escape from the horrors I face at home. It is here that I feel my best. There isn't any anger or hate. Here I feel whole, comfortable, at ease. There isn't any hate or despair.
The serenity and peacefulness is everthing I need to think. I think of what I'm gonna do with my life. I wonder how long will running away will last. I run to escape. I know deep down that running cannot go on forever.
Why am I destined to be part of this awful family? I can't wait til I'm old enough so I can leave them all behind. I hate them. I hate them all.

I've been working on this story for awhile. I wanted to write how the woods were a good place. A place that was my own.

I reread it, and I see all the hate invovled. This was not my intention. I wanted to give it a positive spin. I feel as though I have dampened it with negative energy.