The country memories

I've been listening to classic country music. This music is what we listened to on Sunday mornings. It brings back a flood of memories.

I started thinking of my grandfather. I weep for him. He was a great man. I loved him so much. I don't think I ever told him. He's been gone for many years. I still cry when I think of him.

When I was first sick, I cried alot. Grandpa picked up on it. Nobody else did. If they did they didn't care. Anyway, grandpa took me into the woods. He took leaf off of a tree and said God made this. He said that all of the woods God made. I found serenity in those woods. The quiet calmness. He told me " If you cry, you cry alone, laugh and the world will laugh with you."

That's why the woods were so important to me. I found sanctuary there. I miss my grandpa. He believed in me. When I was at the state hospital, he gave me his Bible. I was I still had it.

I have nothing but fond memories of my grandfather. He was tall, and bald and had wire rim glasses. I look alot like him. He held his head high. He was a proud man. Very distinguished. He was gentle but firm. He loved his God. I know he loved me.

I wish I were as good as he.

That's enough. I'm too emotional.

Live to be true, love with all your heart, laugh till you cry, learn that God is with you, listen to the stillness of the woods,

Dave

The music plays on

James Taylor is singing "Fire and Rain." It is a welcome change from David Bowie singing "Space Oddity" on WDAVE radio. It also helps cover up Billy Mays yelling...although he still gets through.

"Hotel California" is up next. One of my favorite tunes from a beggone era of drugs and psychosis, and the revolving door at the state hospital. It brings back the memory of a stupid, careless youth. Thank God that era is over.

"Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne is the next selection. When I run on empty there's no joy in life. It isn't something I desire. It reminds me that I must fill my life with the knowledge of all that I can. It also gives me hope that I won't have to run alone or behind.

"Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. Tells me that " some my win and some may lose." I cannot help everyone. This I know. But I can help a few by extending my hand. I'm not a saint, I'm just a man that sees the sufferings and wants to do what I can to help.

"Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac is telling me that " thunder only happens when its rainin." This song reminds me of my brother Perry the beater. He likes Fleetwood Mac. It's a good song and the memory of the beater doesn't bother me.

One more. "Help is on the way."- The Little River Band. This song gives me hope that help is possible. It teaches me to be patient. It tells me to "look around and slow down."

Music always has been a big part of my life and who I am. It is my escape from the harsh realities of life. I still face life head on, but when it gets too much, I know that music will pull up away and soothe the savage beast.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The why of the fly

There is a fly as big as a 747 flying around the desk. I've been trying to catch it. My lightening flash reflexes are so flashy or fast. I don't know what I would do with it if I caught it.

Woke up without WDAVE radio playing. The voices are strong though. They've been a nuisance lately. I turned on some music to override em.

I feel good this morning. It's been a while since I wrote in this blog. I have written in the other sites I frequent. I received two comments on my local newspaper blog.

I sent my father a gift for Father's Day. He wrote this morning that he received and thanked me. He went on to say Happy Father's Day to me. That's cool. Thanks Dad.

Speaking of father, he never seems to amaze me. He and I email alot. Last year when he called about my aunt dying he was crying. He reaches out to me more than he ever did. Thinking of all the good I see in him is making my eyes well up. I'm happy that my dad is human and has feelings.

I managed to put the trellis together. Gonna put it where it goes today. We don't have any appointments until the 22nd. A whole week free. Cool!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

I can still hear!

No this isn't an ad for Verizon wireless.

The voices are always with me and trouble me. I can push em out. I haven't been on top of that lately. I've been doing alot around the house. I finished the bench. The bridge is all assembled, it needs more water sealant. We bought a trellis for the monster rose rush. I have to put that together today. The Camry needs to be inspected. We have to drop it off at 8am. I also told them to change the oil.

The pool was warmer yesterday......68 degrees. Teddy, our monster dog jumped in with me 5 times.

Speaking of Teddy. We took the dogs to a park. As I was parking the car, I saw a dog in front of the car. It was Teddy! I looked at the side window, it was rolled down. He stepped on the button, rolled down the window and jumped out. It was a good thing we put a 15' lead on him. The window lock will be on from now on.

I know what's wrong with me. My shot is due on Wednesday. I always get "funky" a few days before the shot. I'm also worried about what to tell my pdoc about my fear of dying on the ECT table. I know nobody has ever died on the table, I don't wanna be the first.

I've slept more these last three days. It's because I overwork myself. I push too far and too hard. Am I becoming addicted to work? At least I haven't had a major anxiety attack.

My mind flows in circles. I will think of something for a bit then move onto something else. Then I go back to the original thought. It's a circle.

I worry that I repeat too much. I put alot of pressure on myself about what to write. Am I addicted to writing too?

I turned on some music. Music and journaling soothe my soul. If only for a time.

I quit alcohol, street drugs, and cigarettes. I have a great wife, a house with all the trimmings and two cars. I have a good pension. My bills are all paid on time. We have a nice nest egg. Yet I feel poorly. I feel useless despite all that I do. And I do alot.

Life doesn't suck. It just feels like I am not worthy of the things I want and need. I'm gonna tell my pdoc my secret wish. I will not reveal it here. Maybe that will liberate me.

When I reread that last line, my anxiety jumped. Just for a second.

I'm gonna post this. It took me two hours to finish this post.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

got one? It's on the endangered list.

There's something missing. It isn't money, prestige, clamour. It's something we all need. It doesn't cost anything. Stores don't carry any. Ebay isn't offering any. We can give it away to those who need it. It will come back to us when we share it. It's not complex. There's no complicated instructions. It isn't heavy. It cannot hurt you. It will warm your soul and the souls you give it to. It takes only a second.

It's a SMILE! Smiles are rare.

Look at the faces you see in your travels today. See how many are missing?

Give some away.

We all need smiles. Don't let them become extinct.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

What will be, will be

Nighttime turns into daylight
The ocean will rise and fall
The earth will revolve around the sun
The wind will blow
Flowers will bloom
Birds will sing
Bees will buzz
I will be here typing away at 6am

Frappe and Teddy going at it.

The same ole story

I've written that I was given this illness (SZA) because I could handle it. Which in fact I have.

I've been homeless. I've been in a hospital for extended periods of time. I've been on alot of different meds. I've been married and divorced. Had my kids taken away. I've had many ECT's.

My life before SZA took hold, is kinda of a blur. I was an emotional child. I had friends and was fairly good in school. My home life was horrid. My father was angry at the way his father treated him, so he took it out on us.

I fought back. Not with fists, but with words. My dad dropped out of school, so I had one up on him. I would weave arguements that were based on facts.

Was I too mouthy? Dad said I was.. so did my brother Jeff. I couldn't stand the treatment we had to endure. So I spoke out. My mom didn't care or was too helpless. I asked my sister last year, why she didn't do anything to help. She said "I couldn't".

I'm writing this so I won't forget. My mind is slipping due to the ECT's. I have a good life. I have a wonderful wife. I had a good work history. I'm still functioning.

I could say that my life sucked. I won't. I'm in my 40's thinking I need to do more. I am a work in progress.

My life has new meaning. It's not all about the bad things. It's about a life filled with hope and aspirations.

If I am too look back and carry that guilt and shame, I will get sucked into the life I've left.

The day my SZA started my life changed. I was young when I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I decided to leave my family and stay here to get the help I needed.

I cope with my SZA. I was down. Down on my knees praying to a God I do not understand. I won't say anymore about that.

I don't hate my dad or the rest of them. They made their own way. I dread the way I could feel. I could say "poor me" I have SZA. I won't.

I push myself onward and forward. There's too many parking meters to walk into.

I need to fight. Fight this awful disease.

I am handling my SZA the best I can. I know there's more to it. I made a conscious decision to do whatever it takes to live a successful life.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

I'm back

I didn't journal yesterday. I started to write 3x's and wasn't happy about it, so I deleted them.

I feel alright. Voices are talking low. That's good, I can't hear em. Not that I listen anyway.

I have issues like anyone. I get in moods, up, down whatever. Try as I might, with all my might, to stay positive. I do have my moments.

I go today to see my granddaughter. It's been awhile since I've seen her. They live in the country. It's a 45 minute ride.

I finished the bench..WOOHOO!! I am happy. Margaret is happy about it too. We bought an 8' bridge at the discount store. I have to put it together in the garage. The dogs won't like that, especially Frappe. He doesn't like it when I go in the garage.

I made oatmeal cookies with a vanilla frosting. They turned out okay. It was fun to make em.

I am an overdoer. When I start to do something I will finish it, even when my body hurts. My backs been hurting for two months. The chiropractor helps. Now I have an 8' bridge to assemble.

These Suduko puzzles are challenging my mind. It's funny, what I learn from them. If it gets too difficult and my vision is clouded, I will set it aside and come back to it with a clearer mind. It has taught me patience. Sometimes I have to look at the whole puzzle. If I channel my attention to one part, and not the whole puzzle I may not see where the pieces go. It has taught me that I can solve the puzzle even if it takes days. There was one time I worked a puzzle for a week before solving it. It's a great feeling, knowing that with patience and perservance, I can solve most of my problems. And the distraction helps keep my mind off of things. It improves my concentration.


I'm just babbling now. I wanted to write something, anything. It is good therapy for me.

I never know how to end my posts. I always feel like I left it in midstream. I will leave it until next time.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

Free day.

What to write.

Today's a free day. No plans. We "wing it" anyway. The glory of being retired is that we can do whatever we want , whenever we want.

I've been thinking of calling MHAST and possibly going back to speaking. I miss it. The state hospital hasn't called.

If I go back, I hope my anxiety about the group is gone. Who am I to kid? It's still there.

My Blue Velvet Cake is yummy. Ever see a dog with a blue tongue? We gave Frappe some cake (Lord knows he doesn't get fed). His tongue was blue! LOL! It was so cool.

I feel okay today. No major issues. Voices weren't too bad and easily handled.

I've been overdoing things. My back hurt bad last night. Not to bad right now.

We bought a Pineapple corer. When we saw it in the store , we thought it wouldn't work. OMG! It worked so good. It was easier and faster than the way that I did it. We've bought some delicious pineapples this year.

I received a comment on my newspaper blog. A guy also added me as a friend. That's so cool.

Frappe wants to play fetch. He can't tell time. He does know what time to eat though.

There I turned on some music. Bye, bye voices.

I love food. You all know I do. Well, I have been wanting to find the best way to make homemade pizza. I have succeeded. Since I can't seem to find the secret to making the dough, we buy dough at a local grocery store. The sauce comes from our favorite discount store. I put the sauce on, then three different cheeses...Asiago, mozzarella, and parmesan. I then top it off with pepperoni. I bake it in a 450 degree oven on a pizza stone, until the crust is brown and the cheese is melted. OH MY that is some good pizza.

I'm munching on pineapple, listening to music and doing a Suduko puzzle. So far the pineapple is getting the most attention.

I will leave it at that.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

4am. feeling blue, so why not bake a Blue cake?

Wide awake at 4 am. I like this time of day. It's quiet except for the drug dealer up the street. I watch cars go in and out of there every morning.

My ECT went well. My fear of dying on the table was unjustified. My anxiety was high when I first arrived at the hospital. I told the intake nurse my fear, who in turn told my pdoc, who then told me they have never lost anyone on the table. The other doctor has been cold ever since he asked why my insurnace won't pay the full amount. I was glib and told him that they ain't paying any of my doctor bills.

I got a comment on my newspaper blog. I was so thrilled. I don't get many on there. I think I scare em away.

Today I'm gonna bake a Blue Velvet Cake. Why not? I'm feeling blue.

Voices are strong right now. I just realized that WDAVE radio stopped playing, leaving a void that only the voices can fill.

Speaking of voices, no pun intended. I've been wondering if the severity of my voices really isn't that severe. Maybe they are voices attached to my thoughts. Memories. Maybe it's all in my head.

I had the pleasure of reading blogs of two people who heard voices and now they don't. Why do I still hear them? Maybe they ain't voices. They are, who am I trying to kid.

I have hope in many things. Voice cessation isn't one of em. I have heard them for 29 years..I know here he goes again with the time capsule..blah, blah, blah. Anyone can say the voices will disappear. Not me. I have been on almost every med out there, to no avail. I am currently on 5 meds. They help the psychosis but not the voices.

I'm bitter this morning. I read some things that disturbed me. Besides I don't whine that much.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

June 1st

It's June 1st. I completed a goal for May. I didn't go into the hospital. It feels good that I have stayed out. It isn't easy. It takes alot of effort and alot of support. Both of which I've been blessed with.

I have an ECT this morning. I'm a little uptight about it. I have this irrational fear that I won't wake up from it. Once I get to the hospital I will be fine. I worry too much.

WDAVE radio is playing a variety of lyrics. Actually there's a few voices. Gotta have the voices.

The weather is colder. Not good pool weather.

Well since all I can write about is the weather, I will leave it at that.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave