I couldn't wait for my ECT yesterday, so as to feel better. I don't. I'm not sure why I feel poorly. The ECT went well. It always does. The day after I feel great. Not today though. I've been having nightmares lately. My neck hurts, which always does after an ECT. I feel sluggish. I hate that feeling. I've been up since 3:30am. It's now 6:30am. My morning meds are due @ 7am. I tried to write a journal 3x and deleted it 3x. My stomach feels like I ate a 5 course meal. All I ate so far today was 3 kolachi's and a Reese Big Cup. I took my meds just now, a few minutes early.. Maybe they will help. The voices are quiet for the most part. They were spinning earlier. I'm gonna post this. I can't think of anything else I wanna talk about.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
grey background, beautiful middle
In 3 hours I will be having my ECT. I'm so glad. I have been feeling down. The ECT will help. I'm supposed to fast for it , but my mouth gets so dry. I sip water, just enough to "wet my whistle."
Yesterday morning there was a male cardinal and a female cardinal singing to each other. What a beautiful melody! I got my camera, took a pic I thought it didn't show him that well. I uploaded or downloaded and put his pic as my background. Wow what a pic! The sky is grey and the tree is barren, but in the middle sits this wonderful bird.
Voices were strong this morning. Right now this monent they aren't too bad. They are like a tornado swirling around in my head. Then they are calm and peaceful. I really don't know why I hear voices. At first I thought I was broken. Now I wonder.
Do not feel bad for me. It isn't horrible to hear them. It's not the end of my world. I am used to them. I am able to have a good way of living.
There are times it gets me down. Those are the times when I think of people like Helen Keller. She overcame way more than I. I feel that if she can..I can!
Overcome your MI and sing, even when it's grey.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Yesterday morning there was a male cardinal and a female cardinal singing to each other. What a beautiful melody! I got my camera, took a pic I thought it didn't show him that well. I uploaded or downloaded and put his pic as my background. Wow what a pic! The sky is grey and the tree is barren, but in the middle sits this wonderful bird.
Voices were strong this morning. Right now this monent they aren't too bad. They are like a tornado swirling around in my head. Then they are calm and peaceful. I really don't know why I hear voices. At first I thought I was broken. Now I wonder.
Do not feel bad for me. It isn't horrible to hear them. It's not the end of my world. I am used to them. I am able to have a good way of living.
There are times it gets me down. Those are the times when I think of people like Helen Keller. She overcame way more than I. I feel that if she can..I can!
Overcome your MI and sing, even when it's grey.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The grateful woodpecker
The journey continues, for which I'm grateful for.
When I was in the backyard I saw a woodpecker going about his day, pecking the big maple tree next door. Can you imagine being a woodpecker? I wonder if he ever gets a headache.
I'm grateful that I have another chance at another day. It's not easy for me to "live for today." I'm either looking ahead or back.
The simple things make a day a great day. Today I'm gonna take it easy.
I feel good right now. The voices weren't a nuisance. I didn't even hear any music this morning. I have real music on now. Does that count as hearing music? LOL!
I have an ECT tomorrow. I need it. It's been rough these last 4 days.
My bleeding heart plant is coming along nicely. Plants taught me patience. They grow at their own pace. It's wonderful to see the first shoots. Then they get bigger and eventually blossom. They take effort to grow. The attention you give it reflects how well the plant will do.
Patience takes work too. Teddy is staring out the window. Patience. Maybe the squirrel will come out to tease him.
Be careful if you pray for patience. You will be tested.
I'm gonna leave this post where it is. LOL!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
p.s the squirrel just came out. Patience.
When I was in the backyard I saw a woodpecker going about his day, pecking the big maple tree next door. Can you imagine being a woodpecker? I wonder if he ever gets a headache.
I'm grateful that I have another chance at another day. It's not easy for me to "live for today." I'm either looking ahead or back.
The simple things make a day a great day. Today I'm gonna take it easy.
I feel good right now. The voices weren't a nuisance. I didn't even hear any music this morning. I have real music on now. Does that count as hearing music? LOL!
I have an ECT tomorrow. I need it. It's been rough these last 4 days.
My bleeding heart plant is coming along nicely. Plants taught me patience. They grow at their own pace. It's wonderful to see the first shoots. Then they get bigger and eventually blossom. They take effort to grow. The attention you give it reflects how well the plant will do.
Patience takes work too. Teddy is staring out the window. Patience. Maybe the squirrel will come out to tease him.
Be careful if you pray for patience. You will be tested.
I'm gonna leave this post where it is. LOL!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
p.s the squirrel just came out. Patience.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
headaches and heartaches
My heart is heavy this morning. I feel not right.
I called my sister yesterday, to see how Jim is. He's alright. I hope that his surgery goes well.
My sister is estranged from my three brothers. That sucks. It just shows me how unfeeling they are. Grow up!
I've often said that my family is my biggest problem. They act as if they are superior. Guess what? They ain't!
We all had it rough living at home. Dad is a tyrant and Mom is meek.
I used to think that family was important to me. After all we're blood, right? And that blood is thick.
When I lived at home, I'd get so mad and yell.."I hate you!" I was told that my heart was too little to hate, to which I would say "It will be big enough someday."
Guess what happened? I didn't grow up to hate. I grew up to love. Something my family cannot understand. I weep for them.
My family I cannot help. They all have chosen their way. I am not superior to them, nor wish to be.
We used to have holidays together. We'd laugh and have a good meal. Now all we have are headaches and heartaches.
I'm sorry for the theme of this journal. My forward thinking is caught in reverse. I just hope I don't walk into any parking meters.
As I said I love more than hate. I love that my mind is clear. I don't have to look through the "rose colored" glasses anymore.
I'm telling you all this instead of my family. If I did say these things to them it would fall on deaf ears.
My heart is heavy. I'm sad. I'm hurting.
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that I will.
Thank you for allowing me to show my vunerable side. I don't normally let anyone in to see that side of me.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I called my sister yesterday, to see how Jim is. He's alright. I hope that his surgery goes well.
My sister is estranged from my three brothers. That sucks. It just shows me how unfeeling they are. Grow up!
I've often said that my family is my biggest problem. They act as if they are superior. Guess what? They ain't!
We all had it rough living at home. Dad is a tyrant and Mom is meek.
I used to think that family was important to me. After all we're blood, right? And that blood is thick.
When I lived at home, I'd get so mad and yell.."I hate you!" I was told that my heart was too little to hate, to which I would say "It will be big enough someday."
Guess what happened? I didn't grow up to hate. I grew up to love. Something my family cannot understand. I weep for them.
My family I cannot help. They all have chosen their way. I am not superior to them, nor wish to be.
We used to have holidays together. We'd laugh and have a good meal. Now all we have are headaches and heartaches.
I'm sorry for the theme of this journal. My forward thinking is caught in reverse. I just hope I don't walk into any parking meters.
As I said I love more than hate. I love that my mind is clear. I don't have to look through the "rose colored" glasses anymore.
I'm telling you all this instead of my family. If I did say these things to them it would fall on deaf ears.
My heart is heavy. I'm sad. I'm hurting.
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that I will.
Thank you for allowing me to show my vunerable side. I don't normally let anyone in to see that side of me.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Friday, March 27, 2009
bread1 David 0
Bread 1, David 0.
Yesterday morning I decided to bake some bread. Sounds good right? The smell of fresh bread baking. My mouth salivating thinking how soft and warm it will be with butter melting all over it.
Good idea in principle. I set about my task, mixed the ingredients. Let it set for the recommended time.
I knew something was wrong with it, when the yeast didn't foam up in the liquids. I let it "rise". I looked at it after a while and it didn't rise. I mean it didn't rise any! So I put it in the oven. No fresh bread smell. It looked the same as when I put it in the oven. Finally I called it a loss. When I took it out of the oven, it was as hard as a brick! I'm not kidding. It was awful! Even the dogs wouldn't eat it!
Margaret, bless her heart, healed my ego by laughing! I was laughing too. How could I not laugh?
Well since I'm not known to give up, I'm gonna try it again today. I blame the yeast for not "foaming." And my lack of experience working with yeast.
Thomas Edison wrote"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."
I feel good today. Yesterday was a rough day. Even though it was rough, It had some good moments. My daughter was here doing laundry. I live in an area known as the 1st ward of Binghamton. The main thorough fare is Clinton St. They call it Antique Row. There's a little shop not far from here, that looked interesting. Mandy and I went down to checkout it out. What a nice shop. I bought two slices of pizza. OMG! was that good! I'm gonna take Margaret there.
Live for today, love yourself, laugh at your mistakes, learn patience, listen to the sound of silence,
David
Yesterday morning I decided to bake some bread. Sounds good right? The smell of fresh bread baking. My mouth salivating thinking how soft and warm it will be with butter melting all over it.
Good idea in principle. I set about my task, mixed the ingredients. Let it set for the recommended time.
I knew something was wrong with it, when the yeast didn't foam up in the liquids. I let it "rise". I looked at it after a while and it didn't rise. I mean it didn't rise any! So I put it in the oven. No fresh bread smell. It looked the same as when I put it in the oven. Finally I called it a loss. When I took it out of the oven, it was as hard as a brick! I'm not kidding. It was awful! Even the dogs wouldn't eat it!
Margaret, bless her heart, healed my ego by laughing! I was laughing too. How could I not laugh?
Well since I'm not known to give up, I'm gonna try it again today. I blame the yeast for not "foaming." And my lack of experience working with yeast.
Thomas Edison wrote"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."
I feel good today. Yesterday was a rough day. Even though it was rough, It had some good moments. My daughter was here doing laundry. I live in an area known as the 1st ward of Binghamton. The main thorough fare is Clinton St. They call it Antique Row. There's a little shop not far from here, that looked interesting. Mandy and I went down to checkout it out. What a nice shop. I bought two slices of pizza. OMG! was that good! I'm gonna take Margaret there.
Live for today, love yourself, laugh at your mistakes, learn patience, listen to the sound of silence,
David
Thursday, March 26, 2009
display of humaness
Is "humaness" a word. If not I apologize.
I got a call from my mom in Florida. Usually when she calls it's serious. She said my brother-in-law (Jim) had a heart attack. I said "omg! Which she responded by saying it was a "little heart attack." I reminded her that any heart attack isn't good..even the small ones.
I called my sister to offer any help I can. She stated that Jim has to have bypass surgery.
Debbie (my sister) wanted me to know because I'm the only sibling that cares about her. My two older brothers won't talk to her at all. Mike, my younger brother has no feelings for the family, with good reason.
I cried.
I cry for my family. It won't do them any good, but I have feelings and the rest don't.
Jim is 47. I'm 46. Thus the word humaness. I have had several deaths in the last few years. But the thought of Jim possibly passing scares me.
My dad in an effort to console me, made rude remarks about Jim. That's dear ole dad. He never said anything good about Jim or any of us for that matter.
My nephew isn't even Jim's child, but took him as his own. Dad would never do such a thing.
Oh man I'm looking at my own mortality. I wrote that "everything happens at precisely the right time."." Even this.
I weep. I weep because of the family drama.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
I got a call from my mom in Florida. Usually when she calls it's serious. She said my brother-in-law (Jim) had a heart attack. I said "omg! Which she responded by saying it was a "little heart attack." I reminded her that any heart attack isn't good..even the small ones.
I called my sister to offer any help I can. She stated that Jim has to have bypass surgery.
Debbie (my sister) wanted me to know because I'm the only sibling that cares about her. My two older brothers won't talk to her at all. Mike, my younger brother has no feelings for the family, with good reason.
I cried.
I cry for my family. It won't do them any good, but I have feelings and the rest don't.
Jim is 47. I'm 46. Thus the word humaness. I have had several deaths in the last few years. But the thought of Jim possibly passing scares me.
My dad in an effort to console me, made rude remarks about Jim. That's dear ole dad. He never said anything good about Jim or any of us for that matter.
My nephew isn't even Jim's child, but took him as his own. Dad would never do such a thing.
Oh man I'm looking at my own mortality. I wrote that "everything happens at precisely the right time."." Even this.
I weep. I weep because of the family drama.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
oh hum
It's another day. Thursday I believe.
I cannot believe March is almost over. Where does the time go? I'm retired and time should go slow.. right?
I am so ready for Monday's ECT. (Talk about time escaping). I'm weary. Tired from all the Kolachi's I ate.....lol!
I feel the anxiety rise. I will do some work later..it's too early right now.
I'm gonna pick up my daughter so she can do her laundry. She doesn't have much money, and what little she does have she spends on my grandson.
I just realized something. Even though she has very little, she's happy. Never complains about what she doesn't have. She has more than I, in terms of gratitude. I mean I am grateful for what I have, but she has a heck of alot more than I.
I'm crying now. I will post this.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I cannot believe March is almost over. Where does the time go? I'm retired and time should go slow.. right?
I am so ready for Monday's ECT. (Talk about time escaping). I'm weary. Tired from all the Kolachi's I ate.....lol!
I feel the anxiety rise. I will do some work later..it's too early right now.
I'm gonna pick up my daughter so she can do her laundry. She doesn't have much money, and what little she does have she spends on my grandson.
I just realized something. Even though she has very little, she's happy. Never complains about what she doesn't have. She has more than I, in terms of gratitude. I mean I am grateful for what I have, but she has a heck of alot more than I.
I'm crying now. I will post this.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
the cure
I wonder if there will ever be a cure for SZA in my lifetime. If there ever is, how will I be? What will my mind do? Would I miss the voices?
Are the meds polluting my brain? What are the long term effects on my body? I know how important my meds are. I hope I never forget what it's like without them. That memory scares me. I don't take my meds out of fear, I take them to function.
I guess I'm just frustrated today. My ECT is on Monday. I can feel the need for it.
I'm doing okay. I will manage until Monday.
It's been a long day. Margaret and I finished up the Kolachi's. We made walnut and apricot. This was a good batch of em..very tasty.
I started this sharepost this morning around 7am or so. I went about my day and now it's 4:09pm.
I cleaned some wood work in the kitchen. I made myself stuffed porkchops, with gravy. It was delicious.
I'm out of sorts. I feel different. Depressed some. Anxious a little. No voices though.
I'm gonna post this.
Live to give, love when you give, laugh at yourself, learn to find the peace, listen and ye shall receive,
David
Are the meds polluting my brain? What are the long term effects on my body? I know how important my meds are. I hope I never forget what it's like without them. That memory scares me. I don't take my meds out of fear, I take them to function.
I guess I'm just frustrated today. My ECT is on Monday. I can feel the need for it.
I'm doing okay. I will manage until Monday.
It's been a long day. Margaret and I finished up the Kolachi's. We made walnut and apricot. This was a good batch of em..very tasty.
I started this sharepost this morning around 7am or so. I went about my day and now it's 4:09pm.
I cleaned some wood work in the kitchen. I made myself stuffed porkchops, with gravy. It was delicious.
I'm out of sorts. I feel different. Depressed some. Anxious a little. No voices though.
I'm gonna post this.
Live to give, love when you give, laugh at yourself, learn to find the peace, listen and ye shall receive,
David
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
is the time right?
I've been trying to think of who may have said this quote: "Everything happens at precisely the right time." I think it's in Alice and Wonderland.
I believe that to be true. I'm a firm believer that people cross my path for a reason. Some call it Karma. Some call it destiny. Others a coincidence. I call it good timing.
Today we made about three dozen Kolachi's. They turned out tasty. I didn't lose my temper. Kolachi's are time consuming. It took about 2 hours to make and bake the 3 dozen. We're gonna make more tomorrow.
Voices are bad today. They echo through my head. I'm able to "push" em out.
I was feeling good just about all day. Now I kinda feel blah. Maybe I'm just tired. 4am comes mighty early. Don't worry I get enough sleep. It's all about timing.
I guess I'll go lay down. The soaps are almost over.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I believe that to be true. I'm a firm believer that people cross my path for a reason. Some call it Karma. Some call it destiny. Others a coincidence. I call it good timing.
Today we made about three dozen Kolachi's. They turned out tasty. I didn't lose my temper. Kolachi's are time consuming. It took about 2 hours to make and bake the 3 dozen. We're gonna make more tomorrow.
Voices are bad today. They echo through my head. I'm able to "push" em out.
I was feeling good just about all day. Now I kinda feel blah. Maybe I'm just tired. 4am comes mighty early. Don't worry I get enough sleep. It's all about timing.
I guess I'll go lay down. The soaps are almost over.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
all caught up
I know it's Tuesday. I want to write about my grandson's b/day party last Sunday. Margaret and I bought him little workbench with all kinds of neat tools. Some make noises. (I wanted one too...lol!) On the way over I stopped and bought him a yellow smiley face balloon. His face lit up when he saw me. I picked him up and hugged him. I looked in his face and told him how much I loved him. His smile warms my heart. The party was fun.
Yesterday I made biscuits for strawberry shortcake. They were good. I made Kolachi dough. Kolachi's are a Slovak pastry filled with nuts or apricot or lekvar. (There are alot of Slovak's in this area.) The dough has to sit in the fridge overnight. That's my dish for the day...Kolachi with powdered sugar. Then for a late afternoon lunch I made a meatloaf, smashed potatoes, corn, and gravy. Margaret made the potatoes. She makes the best smashed potatoes.
At the mall the other day, my son and his girlfriend and my granddaughter stopped into this mens clothing store. I've been wanting a vest. I found a rack and the sales guy come up and says "can I help you?" I said "yes, I'm looking for a vest." The guy says "there's a rack right in front of you." DUH Dave!..LOL! Anyway I found a vest my size and he threw in a white bowtie for free.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Yesterday I made biscuits for strawberry shortcake. They were good. I made Kolachi dough. Kolachi's are a Slovak pastry filled with nuts or apricot or lekvar. (There are alot of Slovak's in this area.) The dough has to sit in the fridge overnight. That's my dish for the day...Kolachi with powdered sugar. Then for a late afternoon lunch I made a meatloaf, smashed potatoes, corn, and gravy. Margaret made the potatoes. She makes the best smashed potatoes.
At the mall the other day, my son and his girlfriend and my granddaughter stopped into this mens clothing store. I've been wanting a vest. I found a rack and the sales guy come up and says "can I help you?" I said "yes, I'm looking for a vest." The guy says "there's a rack right in front of you." DUH Dave!..LOL! Anyway I found a vest my size and he threw in a white bowtie for free.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Monday, March 23, 2009
questions
Where are the answers to my questions? I asked myself that many years ago.
I was lost, confused, abandoned. I asked my case manager "why wasn't I getting any answers to my questions?" His response was "if you aren't getting any answers to your questions, maybe you're not asking the right questons."
"Doing the same thing all the time, and expecting different results is insane."
People have asked me how I overcame the title of "lifer." I wanted better for my life. I did whatever was necessary. People pushed me. I had people that cared enough about me and never gave up on me. I took my meds, was honest with my pdoc. I stopped drinking and doing drugs. I was shown that there was a life "beyond the locked doors." I took the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. I took risks, like a new job, or a new med. I began to trust, myself and others. The most important thing I did was I never gave up.
I've been given a second chance to fufill my destiny. I'm 46 years old and for 44 years I had no real direction. I found my calling. Helping people is my life journey. I thought I took to long to find my calling. In actuality I was right on time.
One time many years ago, I was in a group therapy session listening to the other's talk about their values. All of a sudden I realized I had no values. I didn't even value my own life. That troubled me greatly.
I told myself that I needed to have a good set of values. The first being that I valued my life. All the rest of my values came over the years.
I challenge you all to never give up. Even in your darkest hours. If I can do it so can anyone.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I was lost, confused, abandoned. I asked my case manager "why wasn't I getting any answers to my questions?" His response was "if you aren't getting any answers to your questions, maybe you're not asking the right questons."
"Doing the same thing all the time, and expecting different results is insane."
People have asked me how I overcame the title of "lifer." I wanted better for my life. I did whatever was necessary. People pushed me. I had people that cared enough about me and never gave up on me. I took my meds, was honest with my pdoc. I stopped drinking and doing drugs. I was shown that there was a life "beyond the locked doors." I took the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. I took risks, like a new job, or a new med. I began to trust, myself and others. The most important thing I did was I never gave up.
I've been given a second chance to fufill my destiny. I'm 46 years old and for 44 years I had no real direction. I found my calling. Helping people is my life journey. I thought I took to long to find my calling. In actuality I was right on time.
One time many years ago, I was in a group therapy session listening to the other's talk about their values. All of a sudden I realized I had no values. I didn't even value my own life. That troubled me greatly.
I told myself that I needed to have a good set of values. The first being that I valued my life. All the rest of my values came over the years.
I challenge you all to never give up. Even in your darkest hours. If I can do it so can anyone.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Saturday, March 21, 2009
A lifer or not
When I was a patient at the state hospital, the staff and patients used the word "lifer." A lifer was a person who was doomed to walk the halls inside the locked doors for ever. There were many that got that title. I was on of em.
I was 18 when I got the title of lifer. I despised that. I told myself that I will prove them wrong. I said to myself that I will do whatever it takes to prove those naysayers wrong.
I fought my way through some hard times. I didn't give up and never will.
I am not a lifer. I still have SZA and always will. But I will not become a slave to it.
My life has meaning. A purpose. A calling.
If I didn't have the drive and strength to not become a lifer, my life would be futile.
I won't let anyone tell me I can't do something. I will prove them wrong.
I'm happy today. If I could dance I would. I'll leave that thought alone..LOL!
Going back to the state hospital as a speaker has made a profound impact. I've been given a second chance.
I know I repeat this message, but I have to. It helps me stay focused and determined.
Live as if it's your last day, love others equally, laugh to soothe, not to hurt, learn that it's all worth it, listen to tie it all together.
David
I was 18 when I got the title of lifer. I despised that. I told myself that I will prove them wrong. I said to myself that I will do whatever it takes to prove those naysayers wrong.
I fought my way through some hard times. I didn't give up and never will.
I am not a lifer. I still have SZA and always will. But I will not become a slave to it.
My life has meaning. A purpose. A calling.
If I didn't have the drive and strength to not become a lifer, my life would be futile.
I won't let anyone tell me I can't do something. I will prove them wrong.
I'm happy today. If I could dance I would. I'll leave that thought alone..LOL!
Going back to the state hospital as a speaker has made a profound impact. I've been given a second chance.
I know I repeat this message, but I have to. It helps me stay focused and determined.
Live as if it's your last day, love others equally, laugh to soothe, not to hurt, learn that it's all worth it, listen to tie it all together.
David
the grand scheme
I'm still riding the high from my gig last Thursday. I am so fortunate to go there and help. People helping people. That's what the grand scheme of life is.
Yesterday Margaret and I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicolas Cage. It was an awesome movie. Normally I don't give movie reviews but I want to make one comment about it. The two children heard voices. They called them "the Whisper People." I'm not gonna give away the plot, but the way the voices were protrayed is how the voices talk in my head.
I've likened the voices to an "echo in the canyon."
I called my brother up yesterday for his birthday. He's 48. I told him that in 2 more years he can qualify for AARP! OMG! He cursed me out...LOL! Apparently that struck a cord.....hee hee!
For my daily new baking experience, I made apple fritters. MMMMMMMM. They were so good. Sunday we're gonna make cinnamon buns. They take time to rise. I can't wait.
Today I'm gonna take my son and my granddaughter and girlfriend to walk along in the park. I need to connect with nature. I've been meaning to go to my childhood home to reminisce. I wanna go alone so I can soak it all in.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Yesterday Margaret and I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicolas Cage. It was an awesome movie. Normally I don't give movie reviews but I want to make one comment about it. The two children heard voices. They called them "the Whisper People." I'm not gonna give away the plot, but the way the voices were protrayed is how the voices talk in my head.
I've likened the voices to an "echo in the canyon."
I called my brother up yesterday for his birthday. He's 48. I told him that in 2 more years he can qualify for AARP! OMG! He cursed me out...LOL! Apparently that struck a cord.....hee hee!
For my daily new baking experience, I made apple fritters. MMMMMMMM. They were so good. Sunday we're gonna make cinnamon buns. They take time to rise. I can't wait.
Today I'm gonna take my son and my granddaughter and girlfriend to walk along in the park. I need to connect with nature. I've been meaning to go to my childhood home to reminisce. I wanna go alone so I can soak it all in.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Friday, March 20, 2009
$50
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolity's.'The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.
Frappe alarm
Frappe woke me up at 3:30 am. He was snoring. A high pitched melodious snore. It sounded like he was singing. I wish I had him when I worked. It sure beats the alarm clock buzzing!
The local college, Binghamton University, was in the college basketball tournament. They played Duke last night. BU lost. I'm not a sports fan, but the fever that was in the air around here was incredible. It was nice how this community got behind the team.
Spring is in the air. Today is the 1st day. WOOHOO! I made it through another winter. I have flowers popping up. I think they are tulips and my bleeding heart plant.
I feel good. Despite the Frappe alarm. The voices have subsided for the time being.
Margaret and I made a lemon meringue pie from scratch. I did all the mixing, Margaret read the recipe instructions. OMG! It turned out so yummy! Margaret and I travel like that. I drive and she directs me, because everyone knows men can't follow directions and refuse to turn around when lost....LOL!
Anyway back to feeling good. I came out of my speech feeling great. I do think I saved a starfish.
Going back to the state hospital is nice. I get to reminisce. I spent many years working there. Good times. The hospital in on a hill that overlooks the city of Binghamton. ( I refer to it as the "Hill".) When I got to my car I looked out over the valley. It's was beautiful, the sun was up, not a cloud in the sky. I stood there and soaked it up. I perfect end to an amazing day. When I was a patient there, I saw some of the most breathtaking sunsets.
The song Jack and Diane is playing in my head. The verse "changes come around real soon that makes us women and men" is repeating. The state certainly changed me.
I think today Margaret and I will attempt to bake some cinnamon rolls. She is determined to make me a baker. I've had this urge to try new recipes. We've made quite a few. Cooking is such a stress buster for me. (baking is slowly getting there)
I can't create an original recipe. I do add a personal touch. Margaret is really good at suggesting different techniques.
Everyday is a gift. Every life is precious. I feel soooo good.
The song birds in the morning are delightful. When it gets light out I'm gonna go and stand on my front steps and soak it all in.
I love spring. I cannot say that enough. It's a time of renewal. A time for happiness. I feel all warm and cozy and refreshed.
I've been writing this journal for about an hour this morning. I get side tracked really easily. The problem is I never know how to end it.
Live for the moment, love unconditionally, laugh heartily, learn always, listen with your heart,
Dave
The local college, Binghamton University, was in the college basketball tournament. They played Duke last night. BU lost. I'm not a sports fan, but the fever that was in the air around here was incredible. It was nice how this community got behind the team.
Spring is in the air. Today is the 1st day. WOOHOO! I made it through another winter. I have flowers popping up. I think they are tulips and my bleeding heart plant.
I feel good. Despite the Frappe alarm. The voices have subsided for the time being.
Margaret and I made a lemon meringue pie from scratch. I did all the mixing, Margaret read the recipe instructions. OMG! It turned out so yummy! Margaret and I travel like that. I drive and she directs me, because everyone knows men can't follow directions and refuse to turn around when lost....LOL!
Anyway back to feeling good. I came out of my speech feeling great. I do think I saved a starfish.
Going back to the state hospital is nice. I get to reminisce. I spent many years working there. Good times. The hospital in on a hill that overlooks the city of Binghamton. ( I refer to it as the "Hill".) When I got to my car I looked out over the valley. It's was beautiful, the sun was up, not a cloud in the sky. I stood there and soaked it up. I perfect end to an amazing day. When I was a patient there, I saw some of the most breathtaking sunsets.
The song Jack and Diane is playing in my head. The verse "changes come around real soon that makes us women and men" is repeating. The state certainly changed me.
I think today Margaret and I will attempt to bake some cinnamon rolls. She is determined to make me a baker. I've had this urge to try new recipes. We've made quite a few. Cooking is such a stress buster for me. (baking is slowly getting there)
I can't create an original recipe. I do add a personal touch. Margaret is really good at suggesting different techniques.
Everyday is a gift. Every life is precious. I feel soooo good.
The song birds in the morning are delightful. When it gets light out I'm gonna go and stand on my front steps and soak it all in.
I love spring. I cannot say that enough. It's a time of renewal. A time for happiness. I feel all warm and cozy and refreshed.
I've been writing this journal for about an hour this morning. I get side tracked really easily. The problem is I never know how to end it.
Live for the moment, love unconditionally, laugh heartily, learn always, listen with your heart,
Dave
Thursday, March 19, 2009
another good gig
My gig at the state hospital was good. I didn't break my record though...I put 6 to sleep, one was a staff. My personal best is 10.. three were staff.
I talked for about an hour. There was a staff guy that knew me from my last job. He came up to me and said that I did a good job and that he never knew I had SZA. Another staff wanted my blog address..I don't know from memory what it is. I hope she can find my blog.
I got all decked out. I had a black suit with a red bowtie. Margaret said I looked like a mobster.....SSSH don't tell anyone...LOL! I thought I looked like a Blues Brother...LOL!
I got there early so I talked with a vocational counselor. We had a nice chat. He still wants me to speak..but he says there isn't much to do because I don't want pay for it. Money pay. The only pay I want is knowing that I helped one of em...maybe two.
I'm in it to help. My feeling is that if I got paid it would affect the way I want to do it. I fear that the passion I have will be replaced by the anxiety of having a job. The confines of a job will smother me. I speak out for reasons. I do it to pass the torch. I don't wanna a job, I wanna help others freely.
No money will ever replace the joy of unconditional guidance.
I think I saved a starfish today.
Peace to you all.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I talked for about an hour. There was a staff guy that knew me from my last job. He came up to me and said that I did a good job and that he never knew I had SZA. Another staff wanted my blog address..I don't know from memory what it is. I hope she can find my blog.
I got all decked out. I had a black suit with a red bowtie. Margaret said I looked like a mobster.....SSSH don't tell anyone...LOL! I thought I looked like a Blues Brother...LOL!
I got there early so I talked with a vocational counselor. We had a nice chat. He still wants me to speak..but he says there isn't much to do because I don't want pay for it. Money pay. The only pay I want is knowing that I helped one of em...maybe two.
I'm in it to help. My feeling is that if I got paid it would affect the way I want to do it. I fear that the passion I have will be replaced by the anxiety of having a job. The confines of a job will smother me. I speak out for reasons. I do it to pass the torch. I don't wanna a job, I wanna help others freely.
No money will ever replace the joy of unconditional guidance.
I think I saved a starfish today.
Peace to you all.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
The circle
Today I go to the state hospital to talk some patients. I'm not anxious right now, I will be later. I'll take an extra pill beforehand. I'm gonna dress up. I do that to show the patients that there's hope outside the locked doors.
I had a choice many years ago if I wanted to stay at the state hospital or come home to my biological family. I chose to stay. I was 17 when I decided that. It was a turning point.
The next 29 years have been in preparation for this time of my life. I admit I'm a slow learner. The important thing is that I learned.
Helen Keller wrote"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming."
I like Helen Keller. She is a heroine. When I fall off track I look to her wisdom.
There's is suffering. I could get swallowed up in it or I can overcome and then help others overcome.
The other day I was depressed. I was in agony. I decided that I was going to stop being down, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. I overcame that depression and had a good day.
I hear voices. I have to live with that. People say how dreadful it must be. I've heard them so long that they are a part of me. Sometimes they are bothersome. Despite the voices I overcame. I could've balled myself up in a ball and cried out what a terrible thing that is.
The lesson I learned is that no matter what, I can achieve whatever I set my heart to do.
Earl Nightingale wrote"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us."
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
I had a choice many years ago if I wanted to stay at the state hospital or come home to my biological family. I chose to stay. I was 17 when I decided that. It was a turning point.
The next 29 years have been in preparation for this time of my life. I admit I'm a slow learner. The important thing is that I learned.
Helen Keller wrote"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming."
I like Helen Keller. She is a heroine. When I fall off track I look to her wisdom.
There's is suffering. I could get swallowed up in it or I can overcome and then help others overcome.
The other day I was depressed. I was in agony. I decided that I was going to stop being down, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. I overcame that depression and had a good day.
I hear voices. I have to live with that. People say how dreadful it must be. I've heard them so long that they are a part of me. Sometimes they are bothersome. Despite the voices I overcame. I could've balled myself up in a ball and cried out what a terrible thing that is.
The lesson I learned is that no matter what, I can achieve whatever I set my heart to do.
Earl Nightingale wrote"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us."
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
people helping people
The very thought of being good to myself was hard to swallow. I never used to let anyone in to help, because I'm a "tough skinned man." What a crock that is.
My dad hasn't been to see a doctor in 50 plus years. If I had done that (wait I'm not 50 ..yet) I wouldn't be sitting here this very moment.
I swallow my pride and take all the help I need. I cannot do this journey alone. I need guidance. I feel if I need help I'm gonna get some.
Rewarding myself for deeds well done is an important part of my recovery. Nothing fancy, maybe a cd,dvd or a good cut of beef or a rose plant.
It's easy to feel bad on days that affected my life. BUT! Enjoying days that are momentous is amazing. I'm coming up on a day that started my illness. I no longer get upset because of that day. I celebrate it. The date is April 4th. I will write about that day when it gets here.
Be good to yourselves. Seek help when needed. Give help. People helping people is what makes the world go 'round.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
My dad hasn't been to see a doctor in 50 plus years. If I had done that (wait I'm not 50 ..yet) I wouldn't be sitting here this very moment.
I swallow my pride and take all the help I need. I cannot do this journey alone. I need guidance. I feel if I need help I'm gonna get some.
Rewarding myself for deeds well done is an important part of my recovery. Nothing fancy, maybe a cd,dvd or a good cut of beef or a rose plant.
It's easy to feel bad on days that affected my life. BUT! Enjoying days that are momentous is amazing. I'm coming up on a day that started my illness. I no longer get upset because of that day. I celebrate it. The date is April 4th. I will write about that day when it gets here.
Be good to yourselves. Seek help when needed. Give help. People helping people is what makes the world go 'round.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
write it down
Doggone it I thought of something to write and poof! It's gone. I should know better. Write it down!!!
Yesterday Margaret and I did our favorite thing...SHOP! We went to Walmart and Sams club. The best place we went to is the Mens Wearhouse. Margaret bought me two suits from there for my b/day. They sent us a $50 gift certifcate! I love that store. The customer service is awesome. We bought a pair of suspenders and red bow tie, and a red thingy you put in the breast pocket of your suit. It cost us $1.96! Now that's how I like to shop!
I made some corn beef. I don't really like it, but I have to admit is was pretty good. I made chicken noodle soup. I poured it over homemade biscuits and Margaret's tasty mashed potatoes.OMG! That was so good.
In the afternoon I had a sudden burst of energy so I washed the Camry. I got soaked. Frappe was having a fit because I was on the other side of the fence. He got over it.
I'm feeling good. I overcame a rough spot. The voices are minimal this morning. I don't have any music on either.
Today we're gonna mop the floors. The backyard is mud where the pool was. The dogs track mud all through the first floor. It's futile that they stay clean. Ah well.
I guess since I forgot what I wanted to write, I certainly made up for it.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Yesterday Margaret and I did our favorite thing...SHOP! We went to Walmart and Sams club. The best place we went to is the Mens Wearhouse. Margaret bought me two suits from there for my b/day. They sent us a $50 gift certifcate! I love that store. The customer service is awesome. We bought a pair of suspenders and red bow tie, and a red thingy you put in the breast pocket of your suit. It cost us $1.96! Now that's how I like to shop!
I made some corn beef. I don't really like it, but I have to admit is was pretty good. I made chicken noodle soup. I poured it over homemade biscuits and Margaret's tasty mashed potatoes.OMG! That was so good.
In the afternoon I had a sudden burst of energy so I washed the Camry. I got soaked. Frappe was having a fit because I was on the other side of the fence. He got over it.
I'm feeling good. I overcame a rough spot. The voices are minimal this morning. I don't have any music on either.
Today we're gonna mop the floors. The backyard is mud where the pool was. The dogs track mud all through the first floor. It's futile that they stay clean. Ah well.
I guess since I forgot what I wanted to write, I certainly made up for it.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
St.Patrick's Day 2009
My pdoc appointment went well. I actually talked about something that has affected me last week. He offered me some good advice. I was nice that we talked. It's been many months since I had a concern and needed guidance. I'm satisfied.
The voices are still fairly quiet. I am happy.
I go to the state hospital on Thursday to speak to a group of patients.(I wonder how many I will put to sleep...LOL) I'm excited. I'm gonna talk about hope. Hope that there's a life beyond the locked doors.
I enjoy going there to speak. It always brings me full circle. Some of the best people I ever met were there...staff and patients.
I've been busy cleaning my yard. Yesterday I raked leaves. I even swept the street by the curb in front of my house, seeing that the city won't do it.
Much to my surprise I found alot of flower shoots. Daffodils, irises, crocuses, and my favorite plant my bleeding heart plant. I absolutely love that plant. I started a new bleeding heart plant in the house. It's starting to grow. OMG! I am so happy.
The side yard is where I put the leaves, I so want to plant grass there. I have to dig it up. The dogs poop there. And my oh my what alot of poop! The labs poop huge piles. Sorry didn't mean to be gross.
Today we take Teddy to the vet for shots and a certificate that he's neutered, so when can license him.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
The voices are still fairly quiet. I am happy.
I go to the state hospital on Thursday to speak to a group of patients.(I wonder how many I will put to sleep...LOL) I'm excited. I'm gonna talk about hope. Hope that there's a life beyond the locked doors.
I enjoy going there to speak. It always brings me full circle. Some of the best people I ever met were there...staff and patients.
I've been busy cleaning my yard. Yesterday I raked leaves. I even swept the street by the curb in front of my house, seeing that the city won't do it.
Much to my surprise I found alot of flower shoots. Daffodils, irises, crocuses, and my favorite plant my bleeding heart plant. I absolutely love that plant. I started a new bleeding heart plant in the house. It's starting to grow. OMG! I am so happy.
The side yard is where I put the leaves, I so want to plant grass there. I have to dig it up. The dogs poop there. And my oh my what alot of poop! The labs poop huge piles. Sorry didn't mean to be gross.
Today we take Teddy to the vet for shots and a certificate that he's neutered, so when can license him.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Monday, March 16, 2009
angry
I'm angry. My two children are the cause. My grandson's b/day is next Monday. I called my daughter to find out what her plans were. They're having a party. I was not on the guest list. Therefore I'm gonna drop off the presents today. Every time I go to her house she never invites me in any way. I would've gone to the party if invited.
My 2nd problem is with my son. He was upset over my old blog. Which I've deleted. He's blaming me for all his problems. I admit I made mistakes.. alot of them in fact. I've apologized several times to no avail.
No matter what I say or do I will never be forgiven. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should ignore them for awhile.
My 2nd problem is with my son. He was upset over my old blog. Which I've deleted. He's blaming me for all his problems. I admit I made mistakes.. alot of them in fact. I've apologized several times to no avail.
No matter what I say or do I will never be forgiven. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should ignore them for awhile.
voices of change
Where'd they go? I'm happy they are gone. I can hear other things besides the voices.
It's strange how the voices work. Last week they were crowding my head so much I was dizzy. Now I hear em one at a time. I don't mean to harp on the voices contiunally. I need to talk about them.
I've had SZA for a long time. I never really talked about the noise in my head. Early on I did and I got the same result... take this med.
I've been on almost every med available. None of them stopped the voices. I have accepted the fact that I will always hear voices...ALWAYS!
The important thing for me is that I can cope with it.
One time I had a speaking gig and when the question of voices came up I told them I was hearing voices at that very moment. The audience was amazed that I could stand up and give a talk while I heard voices.
It's a new day and a new chance at life. Spring is close. I can't wait to see flowers blooming. Feel the warm sun on my face. Hear the songbirds singing.
I went through a rough time last week. I'm out of it . The mere fact that I was able to trudge through gives me hope that I can overcome that the next time.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
It's strange how the voices work. Last week they were crowding my head so much I was dizzy. Now I hear em one at a time. I don't mean to harp on the voices contiunally. I need to talk about them.
I've had SZA for a long time. I never really talked about the noise in my head. Early on I did and I got the same result... take this med.
I've been on almost every med available. None of them stopped the voices. I have accepted the fact that I will always hear voices...ALWAYS!
The important thing for me is that I can cope with it.
One time I had a speaking gig and when the question of voices came up I told them I was hearing voices at that very moment. The audience was amazed that I could stand up and give a talk while I heard voices.
It's a new day and a new chance at life. Spring is close. I can't wait to see flowers blooming. Feel the warm sun on my face. Hear the songbirds singing.
I went through a rough time last week. I'm out of it . The mere fact that I was able to trudge through gives me hope that I can overcome that the next time.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Sunday, March 15, 2009
reminiscing
Alas my youth is calling me. I've been thinking of the good times back home. Not that there isn't any now. I guess I'm just being nostalgic. The woods are calling me. The peace and serenity. The calmness. The beauty. The aromas.
Going back there has great meaning. I want to recapture the memories. I know I've talked about this before. I've been too busy to drive there. Excuses, excuses.
On a different note. I am a father. As a father I've made many mistakes. The only way I can right those events is not let them happen again. My dad made mistakes too. Most of them will never be solved.
As I got older my vision changed. I look for the good. Despite my stubborness they were some good times. My dad never acknowledged any good times.
My dad was a reverse role model. He was angry and demeaning, especially towards mom. I knew I wouldn't want to be like him. The good news is, I'm not.
I believe there's good in everyone. I spent a lifetime looking for mine.
I guess I'll close for now. I'm happy that the words found me.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
Going back there has great meaning. I want to recapture the memories. I know I've talked about this before. I've been too busy to drive there. Excuses, excuses.
On a different note. I am a father. As a father I've made many mistakes. The only way I can right those events is not let them happen again. My dad made mistakes too. Most of them will never be solved.
As I got older my vision changed. I look for the good. Despite my stubborness they were some good times. My dad never acknowledged any good times.
My dad was a reverse role model. He was angry and demeaning, especially towards mom. I knew I wouldn't want to be like him. The good news is, I'm not.
I believe there's good in everyone. I spent a lifetime looking for mine.
I guess I'll close for now. I'm happy that the words found me.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
where did the words go?
This is my 1st blog entry. I had another blog , but I deleted it.
I find that writing is a good way to get rid of the chaos in my head. It's been a few days since I got rid of that blog. I've had a rough time finding words to write.
My voices are ever present. I told my pdoc, he gave me a med to help, but it didn't so I stopped taking it.
I'm gonna start fresh on here.
I find that writing is a good way to get rid of the chaos in my head. It's been a few days since I got rid of that blog. I've had a rough time finding words to write.
My voices are ever present. I told my pdoc, he gave me a med to help, but it didn't so I stopped taking it.
I'm gonna start fresh on here.
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