It was a decent plan. My friend Mike would ask to stay at my house and I'd ask to stay at Mike's house. Mike knew a church in Owego where we could spend the night. Brillant! So we hooked up a ride to Owego. Bought some drugs and beer.
There was this girl that wanted to party with us, we said of course. It didn't take long before we were all over that girl. I kissed her so much I didn't know where we were. Time seemed to stand still.
Somehow we ended up in the woods. She had to pee. I went with her. The guys were shouting for us to hurry up. There was thorn bushes. The girl was laying on the ground, I helped her up. My vision was blurred so badly I couldn't tell what happened.
All of a sudden, like a light switch, I heard people in my head. They were telling me it would be okay. You are fine. This is what happens the first time with a woman. I was mesmerized.
The voices laughed a deep, heavy laugh. The voices were loud, booming. They told me I was bad and evil for taking advantage of that girl. They said I had to pay for the sins of my friends.
I didn't know what to do. I was confused and amazed by the voices. I was numb. I concentrated on the voices. They told me to listen. They are in control now.
After getting back to the car, Mike said he was going home. I didn't care. So I hitched a ride to my house. I got home about 3:30am. My parents never said a word about how late I came in that morning.
I didn't sleep that 1st night. I couldn't the voices were bad back then. I didn't tell anyone, not even my best friend. Nobody believed in me anyway.
That was 29 years ago today. I have heard voices almost everyday since. In fact I hear them right now. (Judge Judy). One time I didn't hear them for a whole month. That was three years ago.
My voices don't tell me to hurt anyone. They don't tell me to do things. I'm learning to "push" them out as soon as I hear them. It works most of the time. I would love so much to have control of them.
Since 1980 I've had numerous hospitalizations and just about every med available. I have had dozens of ECT's. I've been in therapy. The best thing that ever worked was my own effort to "push" them out. It takes alot of energy and determination to fight back the voices.
Journaling has helped.
April 4th, 1980 is when my world was shaken up. I regret that I have to deal with the voices 29 years later. But I will keep working to find a way to stop them. I have not given up nor do I intend to.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David
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Isn't it strange that the voices have called us evil when we are not. What a shame that they appeared in your life when you were so young. What is your perspective on them? Do you see them as mainly audio hallucinations brought on by a chemical imbalance or are they more than that? I really can't say that my voices are solely a bio chemical imbalance, though I certainly believe that factors into it. I really do believe that they originate outside of me from "alien" beings. I don't talk about that belief much, but there it is. I have no evidence to back up my belief and I don't think I ever will. I also believe that they are sick and project some of their sickness onto some voice hearers. I used to say to them half seriously and half jokingly--"You make me sick!" Because they have been both lovingkind and hateful, I have learned to have compassion for them. Compassion does help, but, for some, it is hard to practice.
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