theinnersoul

coming out what goes in

2010-03-01T03:43:00.000-08:00

My motto is "what goes into a mind comes out in a life." I am more thoughtful of what I allow into my mind.

I feel the urge to write. I don't have anything special to write. Just rambles. This makes my third blog on 3 sites. Just today!

In my effort to what's right, I went to church and now I'm in a addiction recovery group. I made an inventory of most of my wrongs, a list of things I've accomplished and a list of people I hurt.
Doing these lists has been hard.

My style of music has changed. No more ACDC, Boston, Foreigner, Guns N' Roses and the like. I now listen to Josh Groban, Celine Dion, Il Divo, Susan Boyle, etc. The calming music has calmed my mind. I can close my eyes and not see the flashes of lights like before. My thoughts are clearer. My actions are at ease. I have more compassion and empathy for others.

David

I messed up

2009-09-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have a habit that I'm trying to curb and overcome. I lasted 4 days but gave in this morning. I know it will take time. I will be back on track.

Dave

the conflict

2009-09-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

I've recently gone back to my church. I felt a strong sense of purpose to go back. It called me. For many months I heard the call and disregarded it or put it away in the far reaches of my mind. I am happy with this decision. I am not going back to "cure" my illness. I went back to get connected.

I tend to ignore what's important and what's the right thing. I have been an awful man my whole life. I don't want that distinction anymore. I want inner peace.

The elders were just here..Elder Ludlow and Elder Fredrickson. I am full of confusion ( I was confused before they came around). Not because of them but because of the message.

Goals I had none. I made a committment to do a couple of things. I now have two goals. I hope they turn into habits. I will make them my habits.

I am not the same man that joined the church years ago. I had conflictions back then as well. I fear that will happen this time too.

I have a pdoc appointment right now. I will post more later.

Dave

been awhlie

2009-08-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I've written here. I have been busy writing on SzConnection. And another mental health site. My local newspaper blog is going well. I think I'm reaching some of the public. I have 27 recommends.

I am also helping a gentleman write his book. Its going quite well. I am also writing my book. (classic multitasker from my work days of yore.)

I have been thinking of going back to church for some time. I have a need to "connect.' Yesterday I finally went. There wasn't many I knew. The Bishop introduced himself as well as a woman. I shook several hands. One of the songs we sang was "How Great Thou Art." It brought tears to my eyes, in fact I was teary eyed the whole time. I didn't partake of the Bread and Water, I didn't feel worthy. After Sacrament I left in a hurry, I wasn't ready to socialize just yet.
There was member there looked like my grandfather. I saw him in Walmart a few weeks ago, and when I walked by him I said "you look just like my grandfather!" He asked if that was good. I said of course, grandpa was a great man.

Thursday Margaret and I were going down main street when a woman pulled out in front of me. I laid on the horn. She sped away. I stopped at a red light (which the lady ran), all of a sudden I got rear ended. I got out to see if there was any damage. I asked the guy if he was alright. He said "sorry man." He didn't even get out of his car. He acted like he was stoned or just woke up. Thankfully there wasn't any damage. Karma?

My daughter may be pregnant. I hope not. She can't even take care of Dylan.

I haven't heard from my son in a few days.

Today was ECT day. Since Thursday I've been in a "funky" mood...anxious, restless, angry. I knew I would feel better today. I kept telling myself all will be well on Monday. I am feeling really good. Have a headache but it will go away. My pdoc likes to push my buttons. He usually calls me "David G.' Today he called me David Dinkins. I don't let him get to me, he ain't worth the energy.

I'm gearing up for the Men Who Cook fundraiser on the 17th of September. Its gonna be a fun night out. I baking Red Velvet cookies and cupcakes.

I think I'm all written out.

Peace,

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The country memories

2009-06-14T04:05:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to classic country music. This music is what we listened to on Sunday mornings. It brings back a flood of memories.

I started thinking of my grandfather. I weep for him. He was a great man. I loved him so much. I don't think I ever told him. He's been gone for many years. I still cry when I think of him.

When I was first sick, I cried alot. Grandpa picked up on it. Nobody else did. If they did they didn't care. Anyway, grandpa took me into the woods. He took leaf off of a tree and said God made this. He said that all of the woods God made. I found serenity in those woods. The quiet calmness. He told me " If you cry, you cry alone, laugh and the world will laugh with you."

That's why the woods were so important to me. I found sanctuary there. I miss my grandpa. He believed in me. When I was at the state hospital, he gave me his Bible. I was I still had it.

I have nothing but fond memories of my grandfather. He was tall, and bald and had wire rim glasses. I look alot like him. He held his head high. He was a proud man. Very distinguished. He was gentle but firm. He loved his God. I know he loved me.

I wish I were as good as he.

That's enough. I'm too emotional.

Live to be true, love with all your heart, laugh till you cry, learn that God is with you, listen to the stillness of the woods,

Dave

The music plays on

2009-06-13T03:32:00.000-07:00

James Taylor is singing "Fire and Rain." It is a welcome change from David Bowie singing "Space Oddity" on WDAVE radio. It also helps cover up Billy Mays yelling...although he still gets through.

"Hotel California" is up next. One of my favorite tunes from a beggone era of drugs and psychosis, and the revolving door at the state hospital. It brings back the memory of a stupid, careless youth. Thank God that era is over.

"Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne is the next selection. When I run on empty there's no joy in life. It isn't something I desire. It reminds me that I must fill my life with the knowledge of all that I can. It also gives me hope that I won't have to run alone or behind.

"Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. Tells me that " some my win and some may lose." I cannot help everyone. This I know. But I can help a few by extending my hand. I'm not a saint, I'm just a man that sees the sufferings and wants to do what I can to help.

"Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac is telling me that " thunder only happens when its rainin." This song reminds me of my brother Perry the beater. He likes Fleetwood Mac. It's a good song and the memory of the beater doesn't bother me.

One more. "Help is on the way."- The Little River Band. This song gives me hope that help is possible. It teaches me to be patient. It tells me to "look around and slow down."

Music always has been a big part of my life and who I am. It is my escape from the harsh realities of life. I still face life head on, but when it gets too much, I know that music will pull up away and soothe the savage beast.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The why of the fly

2009-06-12T03:21:00.000-07:00

There is a fly as big as a 747 flying around the desk. I've been trying to catch it. My lightening flash reflexes are so flashy or fast. I don't know what I would do with it if I caught it.

Woke up without WDAVE radio playing. The voices are strong though. They've been a nuisance lately. I turned on some music to override em.

I feel good this morning. It's been a while since I wrote in this blog. I have written in the other sites I frequent. I received two comments on my local newspaper blog.

I sent my father a gift for Father's Day. He wrote this morning that he received and thanked me. He went on to say Happy Father's Day to me. That's cool. Thanks Dad.

Speaking of father, he never seems to amaze me. He and I email alot. Last year when he called about my aunt dying he was crying. He reaches out to me more than he ever did. Thinking of all the good I see in him is making my eyes well up. I'm happy that my dad is human and has feelings.

I managed to put the trellis together. Gonna put it where it goes today. We don't have any appointments until the 22nd. A whole week free. Cool!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

I can still hear!

2009-06-08T02:09:00.000-07:00

No this isn't an ad for Verizon wireless.

The voices are always with me and trouble me. I can push em out. I haven't been on top of that lately. I've been doing alot around the house. I finished the bench. The bridge is all assembled, it needs more water sealant. We bought a trellis for the monster rose rush. I have to put that together today. The Camry needs to be inspected. We have to drop it off at 8am. I also told them to change the oil.

The pool was warmer yesterday......68 degrees. Teddy, our monster dog jumped in with me 5 times.

Speaking of Teddy. We took the dogs to a park. As I was parking the car, I saw a dog in front of the car. It was Teddy! I looked at the side window, it was rolled down. He stepped on the button, rolled down the window and jumped out. It was a good thing we put a 15' lead on him. The window lock will be on from now on.

I know what's wrong with me. My shot is due on Wednesday. I always get "funky" a few days before the shot. I'm also worried about what to tell my pdoc about my fear of dying on the ECT table. I know nobody has ever died on the table, I don't wanna be the first.

I've slept more these last three days. It's because I overwork myself. I push too far and too hard. Am I becoming addicted to work? At least I haven't had a major anxiety attack.

My mind flows in circles. I will think of something for a bit then move onto something else. Then I go back to the original thought. It's a circle.

I worry that I repeat too much. I put alot of pressure on myself about what to write. Am I addicted to writing too?

I turned on some music. Music and journaling soothe my soul. If only for a time.

I quit alcohol, street drugs, and cigarettes. I have a great wife, a house with all the trimmings and two cars. I have a good pension. My bills are all paid on time. We have a nice nest egg. Yet I feel poorly. I feel useless despite all that I do. And I do alot.

Life doesn't suck. It just feels like I am not worthy of the things I want and need. I'm gonna tell my pdoc my secret wish. I will not reveal it here. Maybe that will liberate me.

When I reread that last line, my anxiety jumped. Just for a second.

I'm gonna post this. It took me two hours to finish this post.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

got one? It's on the endangered list.

2009-06-06T04:36:00.000-07:00

There's something missing. It isn't money, prestige, clamour. It's something we all need. It doesn't cost anything. Stores don't carry any. Ebay isn't offering any. We can give it away to those who need it. It will come back to us when we share it. It's not complex. There's no complicated instructions. It isn't heavy. It cannot hurt you. It will warm your soul and the souls you give it to. It takes only a second.

It's a SMILE! Smiles are rare.

Look at the faces you see in your travels today. See how many are missing?

Give some away.

We all need smiles. Don't let them become extinct.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

What will be, will be

2009-06-06T03:58:00.000-07:00

Nighttime turns into daylight
The ocean will rise and fall
The earth will revolve around the sun
The wind will blow
Flowers will bloom
Birds will sing
Bees will buzz
I will be here typing away at 6am

Frappe and Teddy going at it.

The same ole story

2009-06-05T03:17:00.000-07:00

I've written that I was given this illness (SZA) because I could handle it. Which in fact I have.

I've been homeless. I've been in a hospital for extended periods of time. I've been on alot of different meds. I've been married and divorced. Had my kids taken away. I've had many ECT's.

My life before SZA took hold, is kinda of a blur. I was an emotional child. I had friends and was fairly good in school. My home life was horrid. My father was angry at the way his father treated him, so he took it out on us.

I fought back. Not with fists, but with words. My dad dropped out of school, so I had one up on him. I would weave arguements that were based on facts.

Was I too mouthy? Dad said I was.. so did my brother Jeff. I couldn't stand the treatment we had to endure. So I spoke out. My mom didn't care or was too helpless. I asked my sister last year, why she didn't do anything to help. She said "I couldn't".

I'm writing this so I won't forget. My mind is slipping due to the ECT's. I have a good life. I have a wonderful wife. I had a good work history. I'm still functioning.

I could say that my life sucked. I won't. I'm in my 40's thinking I need to do more. I am a work in progress.

My life has new meaning. It's not all about the bad things. It's about a life filled with hope and aspirations.

If I am too look back and carry that guilt and shame, I will get sucked into the life I've left.

The day my SZA started my life changed. I was young when I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I decided to leave my family and stay here to get the help I needed.

I cope with my SZA. I was down. Down on my knees praying to a God I do not understand. I won't say anymore about that.

I don't hate my dad or the rest of them. They made their own way. I dread the way I could feel. I could say "poor me" I have SZA. I won't.

I push myself onward and forward. There's too many parking meters to walk into.

I need to fight. Fight this awful disease.

I am handling my SZA the best I can. I know there's more to it. I made a conscious decision to do whatever it takes to live a successful life.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

I'm back

2009-06-05T01:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't journal yesterday. I started to write 3x's and wasn't happy about it, so I deleted them.

I feel alright. Voices are talking low. That's good, I can't hear em. Not that I listen anyway.

I have issues like anyone. I get in moods, up, down whatever. Try as I might, with all my might, to stay positive. I do have my moments.

I go today to see my granddaughter. It's been awhile since I've seen her. They live in the country. It's a 45 minute ride.

I finished the bench..WOOHOO!! I am happy. Margaret is happy about it too. We bought an 8' bridge at the discount store. I have to put it together in the garage. The dogs won't like that, especially Frappe. He doesn't like it when I go in the garage.

I made oatmeal cookies with a vanilla frosting. They turned out okay. It was fun to make em.

I am an overdoer. When I start to do something I will finish it, even when my body hurts. My backs been hurting for two months. The chiropractor helps. Now I have an 8' bridge to assemble.

These Suduko puzzles are challenging my mind. It's funny, what I learn from them. If it gets too difficult and my vision is clouded, I will set it aside and come back to it with a clearer mind. It has taught me patience. Sometimes I have to look at the whole puzzle. If I channel my attention to one part, and not the whole puzzle I may not see where the pieces go. It has taught me that I can solve the puzzle even if it takes days. There was one time I worked a puzzle for a week before solving it. It's a great feeling, knowing that with patience and perservance, I can solve most of my problems. And the distraction helps keep my mind off of things. It improves my concentration.

I'm just babbling now. I wanted to write something, anything. It is good therapy for me.

I never know how to end my posts. I always feel like I left it in midstream. I will leave it until next time.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

Free day.

2009-06-03T02:46:00.000-07:00

What to write.

Today's a free day. No plans. We "wing it" anyway. The glory of being retired is that we can do whatever we want , whenever we want.

I've been thinking of calling MHAST and possibly going back to speaking. I miss it. The state hospital hasn't called.

If I go back, I hope my anxiety about the group is gone. Who am I to kid? It's still there.

My Blue Velvet Cake is yummy. Ever see a dog with a blue tongue? We gave Frappe some cake (Lord knows he doesn't get fed). His tongue was blue! LOL! It was so cool.

I feel okay today. No major issues. Voices weren't too bad and easily handled.

I've been overdoing things. My back hurt bad last night. Not to bad right now.

We bought a Pineapple corer. When we saw it in the store , we thought it wouldn't work. OMG! It worked so good. It was easier and faster than the way that I did it. We've bought some delicious pineapples this year.

I received a comment on my newspaper blog. A guy also added me as a friend. That's so cool.

Frappe wants to play fetch. He can't tell time. He does know what time to eat though.

There I turned on some music. Bye, bye voices.

I love food. You all know I do. Well, I have been wanting to find the best way to make homemade pizza. I have succeeded. Since I can't seem to find the secret to making the dough, we buy dough at a local grocery store. The sauce comes from our favorite discount store. I put the sauce on, then three different cheeses...Asiago, mozzarella, and parmesan. I then top it off with pepperoni. I bake it in a 450 degree oven on a pizza stone, until the crust is brown and the cheese is melted. OH MY that is some good pizza.

I'm munching on pineapple, listening to music and doing a Suduko puzzle. So far the pineapple is getting the most attention.

I will leave it at that.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

4am. feeling blue, so why not bake a Blue cake?

2009-06-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

Wide awake at 4 am. I like this time of day. It's quiet except for the drug dealer up the street. I watch cars go in and out of there every morning.

My ECT went well. My fear of dying on the table was unjustified. My anxiety was high when I first arrived at the hospital. I told the intake nurse my fear, who in turn told my pdoc, who then told me they have never lost anyone on the table. The other doctor has been cold ever since he asked why my insurnace won't pay the full amount. I was glib and told him that they ain't paying any of my doctor bills.

I got a comment on my newspaper blog. I was so thrilled. I don't get many on there. I think I scare em away.

Today I'm gonna bake a Blue Velvet Cake. Why not? I'm feeling blue.

Voices are strong right now. I just realized that WDAVE radio stopped playing, leaving a void that only the voices can fill.

Speaking of voices, no pun intended. I've been wondering if the severity of my voices really isn't that severe. Maybe they are voices attached to my thoughts. Memories. Maybe it's all in my head.

I had the pleasure of reading blogs of two people who heard voices and now they don't. Why do I still hear them? Maybe they ain't voices. They are, who am I trying to kid.

I have hope in many things. Voice cessation isn't one of em. I have heard them for 29 years..I know here he goes again with the time capsule..blah, blah, blah. Anyone can say the voices will disappear. Not me. I have been on almost every med out there, to no avail. I am currently on 5 meds. They help the psychosis but not the voices.

I'm bitter this morning. I read some things that disturbed me. Besides I don't whine that much.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

June 1st

2009-06-01T02:15:00.000-07:00

It's June 1st. I completed a goal for May. I didn't go into the hospital. It feels good that I have stayed out. It isn't easy. It takes alot of effort and alot of support. Both of which I've been blessed with.

I have an ECT this morning. I'm a little uptight about it. I have this irrational fear that I won't wake up from it. Once I get to the hospital I will be fine. I worry too much.

WDAVE radio is playing a variety of lyrics. Actually there's a few voices. Gotta have the voices.

The weather is colder. Not good pool weather.

Well since all I can write about is the weather, I will leave it at that.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Tears of sorrow

2009-05-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

I'm a sap. I cry at heart breaking things. Today in the local newspaper's website, there was an article about bodies found at a former "Poor farm." The article brought tears to my eyes.

I woke up feeling good. I believe that my first thought decides how I will feel that day. I thought I will have a good day this morning. A good day it will be.

Frappe was snoring. "Happiness is a snoring puppy." Teddy was itching a bug. Coco was asleep. Ya gotta love puppies.

I overworked myself Saturday. My back keeps reminding me I ain't 17 anymore.

Turned on the tunes. Country western day. I should say classic country.

I'm not sure what treat I will bake today. "Do what you love, love what you do."

BRB pill time. I take my meds the same time everyday. A habit I learned years ago.

I'm gonna do some Suduko puzzles.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

If you were

2009-05-30T03:35:00.001-07:00

Here's a poem I wrote this morning. It's called "If you were."

If you were a fly, where would you go and why.
If you were granted one wish, would you be a fish.
If you were a villian, youd' be in jail chillin.
If you were a boat, how would you stay afloat.
If you were never told, would the answer be too cold.
If you were a melon, would you be gellin.
If you were to cry, would you give it a try.
If you were strong, what would be your song.
If you were a cop, who would you stop
If you were to wait, would you make the gate.
If you were fast, would you run from your past.
If you were blessed with luck, would you save a duck.

David

Cake anyone?

2009-05-30T03:02:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling good for a while now. That's cool.

I baked an awesome cake. It was a two layer chocolate mayonaise cake, with fluff frosting in the middle and a boiled vanilla frosting on the outside. Cooking and baking are my way of creating.

The voices are quiet and not distracting.

I've been kind of busy. I haven't cleaned much. The pool needs to be skimmed. Today's job. The dogs love it when I go out back.

I'm concerned about my weight. I haven't gained any according to the scale and my clothes fit right. My belly seems to be getting bigger. I don't eat that much. I guess what I eat is the problem.

I started doing Suduko puzzles. The word fill-ins aren't challenging enough, and I needed a change.

I can't believe it's almost June. My does time fly.

I can't write today.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

Blah mood

2009-05-29T02:08:00.000-07:00

Voices aren't bad today. They are easy to push out.

I wonder if they went away, would I miss em? They have been with me a long time.What would I put in the void?

My dentist appointment went well. I saved close to $700!

ECT on Monday. I'm ready for it. I'm not depressed. It will help me to stay not depressed.

I don't feel like writing.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Almost didn't

2009-05-28T02:46:00.000-07:00

While reading journals, I kept thinking I wasn't gonna write today. Take the day off. I guess I really wanted to write.

Got my shot yesterday. I feel alright. Voices are strong. WDave radio is off. I was able to push the voices out and keep my focus.

I have a busy day today. I have dentist appointment at 8:30 that I'm worried about. I don't usually mind going to a dentist. I may need a crown. It's gonna cost $800. It's not that we don't have the money, it's what if the crown falls off.

At 1pm I see my chiropractor. That's cool. My headaches have returned.

The furnace guy is coming today too. We have him come in twice a year. In the spring to check the central air and fall to check the furnace. Money well spent.

My son sent me some pics of my granddaughter. She's so cute. Her hair is shaped like a mohawk. It's been that way since birth. She squeaks too.

Well I just spent the last 10 minutes searching for more to write. I got nothing. I will leave you now.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

An Ark or the Titanic? Which will it be?

2009-05-27T03:11:00.000-07:00

"Never be afraid to do something new. Remember, amatuers built the ark; professionals built the Titantic."-Anonymous

I've been trying to find something to inspire me enough to write. I found that quote and was inspired.

Trying things that are new to me isn't new. I love to bake. I love to give. I love to love. I try to keep an open mind.

I was told once that there's nothing new under the sun. That may be so, but I still look for new things to learn. Besides if there's nothing new, then what's the use of looking?

I don't know how to speak a foreign langauge. Despite my Spanish guy voice..lol! I can't play the guitar..except for the "air guitar."

I used the words "don't and can't" to describe something I know nothing about. I could learn if I want. I guess learning Spanish and playing a guitar aren't on the top of my list. Maybe someday I will learn enough Spanish to figure out what the voice is saying.

Learning how to deal with my mind, always holds my interest. I am not overly obesessed with my fixing my mind, I just like to dabble in it. A dab will do me.

Live the best you can, love with your heart, not your head, laugh at the joys life brings, learn that you can make a difference, listen with an open mind.

Embrace your life.

Dave

Got bald?

2009-05-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

The best things about being bald.

I never need a comb.
My shampoo bottle lasts a year.
I can wash my face and comb my hair with one stroke of my hand.
The wind never blows hair in my face.
I don't need a bathing cap.
Most hats fit right.
I cut my hair twice a year.
I saved $2,000 dollars by not going to a barber.
I look funny in wigs.
I don't have to worry about gray hair.
I can paint smiley faces on the back of my head.
The glare blinds other people.
I can swim through water easier.
Rain runs right off.
I could be a Turtle Wax advertisment.
If I got in a fight, you couldn't pull my hair.
I can slap my head to the beat of a song.
I can be a Mr.Clean stand in.
I stick out in a crowd.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

foot in mouth!?!

2009-05-26T02:01:00.000-07:00

Inserting your foot in your mouth isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes it's better to put your foot there to shut you up. Look before you leap is also a good thing at times. At least then you can decide where to put your foot.

Case in point. May 25th, 2009 around 2:30 pm, in the car driving home after a wonderful day.

Margaret and spent the day at a zoo, shopping , and our favorite Italian restaurant. On the way home I was talking about my dad in my usual way. ..bad talking. Anyway I was saying that I should write dad an email full of accusations and other things that I felt dad needs to know. It wasn't gonna be nice in any way.

Got home and I see that there one was new call on the caller ID. It was from my folks. I checked the answering machine (which doesn't give any answers by the way..lol!) and they had left a call. I thought it may have been mom. Nope it was dad. First time he ever left a message on the machine (see? there is hope ). He sounded like he was crying, like he did when Aunt Mary passed away. I thought something happened to mom. I called and asked what was wrong. Dad said nothing was wrong. He wanted me to know he was sending a package up.

He said the package was for my grandkids. He's sending them coin sets. They will be worth some money someday. I was flabbergasted. I thanked him and told him that I will give the coins to the kids. After the call ended and my foot was extracted from my mouth, I was floored.

Here I was bad-mouthing dad, and he does a random act of kindness towards my grandkids. What a fool I am!! I am so ashamed of myself. I thought that there wasn't any good left in dad.

I didn't question as to his motive. He wants to show his great-grandchildren that he cares.

Life often has thrown my a curve. I never expected this. I have learned my lesson. When dad is drunk he's a monster. Without alcohol he's a nice guy. Jekyll and Hyde.

In the midst of the mean vision I have of dad, that nice guy still is there. Will he anger me again? Yes, but in my reaction I will try to remember that dad does has good parts left. No second guessing.

I feel better writing this journal today. I thought about it alot yesterday. I had to express my selfish, childish behavior. I needed to get it out.

I know that I jump to early. I reacte too fast. I'm not always the smart one who has all the answers. There are so many things I need to learn. I am work in progress. Where am I gonna go from here? I dunno. I hope it's to a place where I have a better understanding of how life is. No fantasies or make believe worlds. The lesson learned is always a good experience.

A voice just told me that "no good can come from bad." I do not believe that. Good happens to all of us. Keep looking for that "silver lining." I am a better man today.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

4am inspirations

2009-05-25T02:38:00.000-07:00

Today is a day to remember all those who gave their lives in order for me to be free. These men and women are what makes this country so great. I do not like war. I do not support the two wars we are waging , but I do support the men and women who are fighting so I can have the freedoms all should have.

I woke at 4am this morning. I have completed two Suduko puzzles, read alot of journals and I wrote a journal.

The foriegn voices are back. I hear, every now and again, a Spanish guy voice. Do not ask what he says, I wasn't too good at Spanish in high school. Never thought I'd need it.

Yesterday I was checking out the front on the house. There is a yellow rose. First one this year. There's also a red rose on the side of the house. Our two gigantic rose bushes and hundreds of buds on em. They are so beautiful when they are in full bloom. The Roddendran bush is blossoming too.

I made my first ever two layer cake. It was also my first carrot cake. I made a cream cheese frosting for it. That was a good cake.

I'm not sure what the forecast is for today. If it rains, I have alot of indoor jobs that need tending too.

My shot is due on Wednesday and I feel really good. I'm not depressed, angry, or anxious. I so love days like these.

I've run out of my muse for now.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

Carrot cake and a sander

2009-05-24T03:54:00.000-07:00

I woke at 2am. I was up until 3;30AM. I woke again at 6am. Plenty of sleep for once.

OOOPS hold on , pilltime. I dropped a pill on the floor and couldn't find it.

I feel alright. The voices are fairly quiet. It looks nice outside. I'm gonna bake a carrot cake today. I'm also gonna finish that bench. I finally got the sander out. WOW! What difference. I did a section faster than the last few weeks.

This week is gonna be busy. I have a three appointments.

I don't know what else to write. My mind is calm and my thoughts are in control. No voices. I guess I will leave it at that. I'm gonna write some emails.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

A mixed bag..take 2

2009-05-23T03:20:00.000-07:00

I wrote a huge blog only to have it eaten by the puter. Must have been hungry. I'll try again.

I have had a wide range of emotions this morning. Fear, anger, happy, sad, calm, compassion.
Years ago I felt two things..anger and happy. I am so glad that I developed a broader range of emotions.

The song "Hotel California" played earlier. When I was in and out of the state hospital in the 80's it felt like " I could check out anytime I liked but could never leave." I was in the "Hotel" many times.

Earlier I was taking pics of the fountain. My fear was small. Frappe started barking and I couldn't get him to stop made my fear rise. I felt the fear wash over me like a tidal wave.

I've been afraid of the dark for years. The one thing I can think of is when the next door neighbor was watching us, they told me to go home because I was acting up (I've always acted up). I went home and went to bed. The next thing I knew my blankets were ripped off of me and there were two women glaring at me. They reminded me of Patty and Selma from the Simpsons. I do not know what happened next.

I went in the pool 3x's yesterday. It was cool but not too bad. I changed the filter. Man that was hard. I couldn't get the cap back on and lost about 3" of water.

The music is really calming. I so love music.

The other day Margaret and I were in a store. The music moved us, so we were dancing down aisles. OMG! That was so much fun!! People were smiling, and pointing at us. How cool is that? Way cool!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

The cycle of good deeds.

2009-05-22T02:42:00.000-07:00

We bought a lighted floating fountain for the pool. I just went out to see it in the dark. It's really cool.

The pool was 64 degrees yesterday so I went in. Later it was 70. A little cool but not too bad. I cleaned it while I was in it.

I feel better than I have the past 3 days. I am much calmer. I saw Mike yesterday, briefly. I wish I could get through to him.

Yesterday at the grocery store a woman gave me her cart. The cool thing is that at this grocery store you have to put a quarter in a lock to get a cart. When finished with the cart you get your quarter back. I always give my cart away. So that woman did a good deed to me. What goes around comes around.

There's a church hymn that says "do what's right and let the consquences follow."

I challenge all who may read this to do a good deed. Make someone's day.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Paying the price for locked doors

2009-05-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

How much does it cost to keep an MI out of the hospital? Why is there a price tag on us? Who pays?

I am saddened by the fact that there are people, sick people, walking the streets, because they cannot afford even a loaf of bread.

Most mental illnesses can be treated. Why then are these people walking around "sick?"

There used to be a day program here. It was cut because of money. I know the economy is tight. These people need help. I know that some don't want help. I know that taxpayers are burdended by higher fees and what not. How can someone put a price tag on a human life?

The state is building a new outpatient center down the street from me. That's cool. But at what price? Are they gonna have better programs? Will the outpatients be helped? I SAY no! A shiny new building won't give these people any new tools. I believe that everyone can overcome their illness. The old joke is "how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb has to want to change first."

I've been fortunate to have had the "drive" and "vision" to see beyond the locked doors.

There's been alot of interesting spectulations running around my head lately. Like should there be a "softer" institution? Or why do some live a "normal" life and others do not? Or why does the public feel so against the MI's? What are they afraid of? Are they afraid they will "catch it" through osomosis?

I'm not angry. I apologize if it sounds like I am. I'm frustrated. I am fond of the MI. I am one of them. I care about their lives. It hurts bad when I see them suffer.

Why are there MI's who don't want help? I know it is a symptom of the disease. BUT WHY?

I am gonna get Medicare in July. I have to tell my insurance company. I called to find out where to send the information to. The first gentleman I spoke with said I have to write to three different letters to three different places, because they don't share information. Which I have done. My insurnace is through my pension from NYS. In this era of job loss and scandal by government agencies, wouldn't it be easier to consolidate?

Here's a case in point.

I got a bill from a local hospital. There was no itemized information on it about what service was done. I called the business office and they said they would send an itemized bill. Why didn't they do that in the first place? Just think of the savings it would be. One employee, one piece of paper, one envelope, and one stamp. No wonder that place needs money. Oh! They don't recycle either.

I guess I'll jump off my soap box. I've vented enough.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The Tedster Patrol

2009-05-20T02:44:00.000-07:00

I lost my journal, because I'm stupid. I went to another site without saving the post. I swear I need help...LOL! Let's see how much I can remember.

Last night Teddy barked menacingly and ran to the side door. I jumped out bed and ran to see what he's was barking and growling at. It was the UPS man. (I bet you thought it was Santa Claus..LOL!) I can sleep better knowing that Teddy is on patrol.

I can't copy and paste on here anymore. For reasons I will never know. That's good though, I can create more. I so love to write.

I've been working on stripping a bench for three weeks..on and off. I couldn't find my scraper. I looked almost everywhere. I finally found it. It was on the bench! DUH! I told Margaret I found it. She asked where. I said in the last place I looked..LOL! I got a swat for that one...LOL!

I've had these red stones for years. Yesterday I put some in the ground to make a path. I will try to finish today. I'm gonna make another path to the pool.

I transplanted 5 plants into a whiskey barrel. I put them by the side door. It looks cool. We had a frost warning last night. I hope my plants are okay.

Voices are quiet today. All I hear is my thoughts. COOL! Don't have many days like this.

Just took out the garbage. We are the only house on the street that puts out more recycling than garbage. We put out one bag of garbage and three bins of recycling. I'm big on recycling.

When I was outside this morning, I saw I need to weedeat the front lawn. I can't use the lawnmower, it would take longer to haul it out. I like my weedeater. It's cordless. Margaret bought for me for Father's Day last year.

Mentally I feel great. Keeping busy is what it takes. I'm satisfied with my moods. I'm happy the way the house looks. Actually there's some minor things that need tending too. Rainy day work.

I haven't much else to write. I'll do my puzzles until about 8am. It's 6:20 am now.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Prove it

2009-05-19T03:48:00.000-07:00

I have been talking recently about my need to prove myself. I never really talked about it, until now.

As a child I would bring home a report card with 4 A's and 1B. I was yelled at because I didn't have all A's. This drove me to prove I could do it. And I did.

As a teenager I had good grades. I made honor roll through to 9th grade and high honor roll once. Then my rapid decline started. I started using drugs and drinking. My grades plummented fast. In ten weeks my grades went from high honor to failing my best subject..English.

I got sick in the 11th grade. I took my finals while a patient at a hospital. I barely passed. In 12th grade I was living at the state hospital and going to public school. I barely passed once again. I proved to my dad, who dropped out in the 9th grade, that I was better than him by graduating.

I quit drinking and drugs to prove that I could. I got a good job, which lasted for many years. Thus proving to my siblings that I could work at a job longer than them. My wife and I own my home and two cars. Thus proving to them that I was successful and happy.

My head tells me that I'm arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I don't mean to sound like that. My passion is to pass on the lessons I've learned. I genuinely want to put my life "out there" and help.

Why do I keep saying that? What purpose does it serve me? Am I still trying to prove to others that I can do it?

I don't want to walk with my head in the clouds. I truly want to help. It's my passion. I feel good when I help.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

Michael

2009-05-19T02:49:00.000-07:00

My brother Michael's residence called and said that Mike needed new clothes. They said they will reimburse me. I took Mike out and bought him 10 pair of socks, 7 shirts, 6 pair of underwear, 4 pair of pants, and a pair of sneakers. (Sounds like the 12 days of Christmas). I threw out his old stained and tattered clothes.

I have this urge to do a good deed everyday. It can be as simple as a smile, or holding a door open, or letting someone ahead of me in a line. The rules are that it must be a random person.

I've been lifting my eyes to meet others eyes. I was surprised at the power of a smile. Alot of people smile and say hello. There is so much unhappiness these days.

Anne Frank wrote "no one has ever become poor by giving."

It feels good to give back. I get alot of delight by giving back. I feel as though I have alot to give.

I challenge all who read this, to do a good deed.

Live unselfishly, love others, laugh with joy, learn that love abounds, listen as your heart warms,

David

Monday Rambles

2009-05-18T02:59:00.000-07:00

Been up since 3am. I wish I had a better sleep cycle. The one where I fall asleep at the same time and wake at the same time.

It's proving to be a weird day. I feel like being weird and having fun. I will try not to embarass Margaret.

I cannot imagine life without music. It stops my voices, gets me grooving. I have to be careful when I drive, because I get caught up in the radio and forget where I'm going. Thankfully Margaret knows where we are going most of the time.

This week we have no appointments. WOOHOO! Maybe there's a new movie out on friday.

We're gonna go shopping this morning. I like to shop with Margaret..Sometimes I get nice toys...hee hee!

I took a neighbor and his son to the doctor yesterday. The boy has Strep throat.

I should take Teddy out for a walk. If the weather is good maybe I will.

The pool probably needs cleaning.

I'm just babbling here.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

hmmm a question

2009-05-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I tell Margaret just about everything. I tell her about people that are "stuck." What I mean, is that the person doesn't respond to advice and never seem to "get better."

She asked me today "How did you get so much better, and others didn't."

The 1st thing I did was become willing to do whatever it takes to get better. I stopped using drugs and alcohol. I got real with myself. I stopped telling myself lies.

I always have to prove myself that I can do something. I am very competitive. In school I had to out do my siblings. I set the bar higher. If they got good grades, I drove myself to get every grade better. I don't know if the competition is healthy, but I had to prove it.

When I got SZA, that gave me more to prove. I wasn't gonna let SZA interfere with my hopes, dreams, and goals.

I had a boss tell me once that I wasn't worth the $.85 an hour he was paying me. That sparked what would I become. I proved to him that I was worth alot more. In the end I worked hard enough to get his job.

Hard work, determination, patience, perservance are the things I needed to start my recovery. I still use those traits to this day.

My life is important. I will never lay down and let my SZA take over. I still have to prove I'm worthy. Mostly to myself.

I believe that everyone can work a good recovery. If I can do it so can't anyone who wants to.

Now that I'm here at this stage of my life, I have to give back to what was given to me. Helping others by sharing my life experiences is so awesome.

I give myself freely. I offer my words and my life to help those in need. I was helped all these years. It's time to help. People helping people.

I am a giver not a taker.

Live well, love always, laugh merrily, learn frequently, listen to the sounds of silence.

Dave

Shake, rattle and roll with the voices

2009-05-17T02:32:00.000-07:00

I slept in today. I woke at 4:30am. Not too bad.

The music that WDAVE was playing wasn't a distraction. The commentary is. The voices are not so loud today, but they are abusive. They are horrible. It's hard to shake em.

I hung out with my son and grandaughter yesterday. She finally was wide eyed and alert. She's a doll. Her hair sticks up like a Mohawk. She squeaks too.

I put on some music. That always heals my moods.

I wonder if I'm going in circles. I used to think in circles. I would let my mind wander for a few minutes, then I would retrace the order of the thoughts. It helped my memory. Wait.. what was I talking about. LOL!

We had a strong thunderstorm last night. The pool is full of leaves and seeds from the maple trees. I'm gonna plant my new plants today. Frappe and Teddy are destroying my hosta plant.

I want to go to church, but won't. I have an earring and I know the church would frown upon it. There's a funny story about my church experience. When I joined they said I needed to wear a suit. The only suit I had was a yellow one! OMG! Looking back at that big yellow banana is hysterical. I looked like a pimp! I was taken aside and told that I should wear a black, grey or blue suit. LOL! No sense of humor.

I will leave it at that.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

An original Robbins

2009-05-16T02:10:00.000-07:00

An original. I usually copy and paste my journals on three sites. Lately I haven't been able to do that. This puter has a mind of it's own. I thought that was a bad thing. It isn't. I get to write more.

I'm in Heaven. I dove into a box of Girl Scout cookies. Caramel delites. MMMMMMMMMMM.

I wish the pool would warm up. I wanna go swimming soooo badly.

Voices are loud. They have been for some time now. Other than that I'm doing okay. I haven't been doing to much around here. I do the cooking and dishes but not much else. I'm stripping a bench so I can paint it.

I woke up with music in my head. That hasn't happened much lately.

Margaret is talking in her sleep. I can hear her but don't know what she is saying.

I miss my son. We always have fun when we hang out. I think I will call him today and see if he wants to hang out.

Teddy just knocked over my cup of water. Frappe came out, but didn't visit me.

The lilac bush is in full bloom. The aroma is soo nice. It also covers up the poopy smells.

My dad emailed and said that my brother and sister-in-law are having a rough go of things. They both had their hours cut. Damn that sucks.

I turned on music. It's cool that music is what helps me. I hated music class in school. Even though, back then, it was my escape. I would put my headphones on and crank it up. The weird thing is that I would read while listening to music.

I'm so glad I don't need to escape anymore. No more hiding for me. My time to bloom is now. There's only so long to hid.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave (the original Dave)

Early bird gets the voices

2009-05-15T02:58:00.000-07:00

Up early. They say that the early bird gets the worm. I get the voices. Worms are not my cup of tea!

I've been up since 4am. Nothing unusal there.

Gonna go see the movie "Angels and Demons." Looks like a good flick.

The voices have been active all week. I try to stop them. I can most of the time.

I feel ackward. It's a feeling that I'm out of place. Looking from the outside in.

It's been a fairly good week. I had my ECT and my shot.

I appreciate all who read my blogs.

I turned on the tunes.

This blog is sporatic at best.

My body and mind are racing.

I cannot think of anything else to write.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

soul cleansing

2009-05-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't written here in two days. I'm okay. The puter has been giving me problems and yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I spent just about all day with Margaret.

I'm worried about a few things. Three times in less than a week, I almost had a car accident. Two would have been my fault. Today a guy almost backed into me. I passed him and gave him a "what's up" wave of my hand...no finger.

I don't know why I did that, because everytime I get riddled with guilt. I always think he will track me down and assault me.

A few minutes ago a truck was in my driveway. I thought it was the guy from earlier. I went out to see what was going on. By the time I got out there he had sped away. It wasn't even the vehicle.

My mind plays out scenarios like that all the time. I read too much into things. I'm normally a patient man. I try to see the other's viewpoint.

Voices have been loud these last few days. For years I've tried to figure out what "triggers" the voices. I've thought that maybe my moods are responsible or that I was hearing a people's thoughts. I thought that sex was the reason. I first heard voices the first time I was with a girl.

Maybe guilt does it, or me doing stupid things. Or maybe my anger does the trick.

To this day I don't know. I really truly do not know. I have ways to stop them but they always come back.

I may never know. I do know that being proactive in my approach works.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The morning after pains

2009-05-12T02:17:00.000-07:00

It's almost 5:30am. Been up for three hours. I read journals and commented on some. I finished two word fill-in puzzles.

My neck and jaw hurt from the ECT. One of the doctors asked about my insurance. I told him they aren't paying anyone. I feel awful they don't pay. I need those ECT's.

Not sure what my plans are for today. Margaret wants new glasses and her hair done. I told her she should. We'll see.

I hope the weather is nice. I'd like to go outside and do some yard work.

I baked a chocolate cake from scratch, the other day. It was good. I took some to one our friends and gave some to my daughter.

I've been having these weird things going on. I will think of something and I feel like I've been there before and then get a shockwave over my body. It's like deja vu but I get these zaps. It's like a small electric charge. And no it's not let over ECT electricity. This has been going on for weeks.

Voices are being disruptive..at least they are trying. I'm able to push em out. There's two voices speaking clearly and another whispering. I am dealing with them.

Quitting smoking was easier then trying to stop the voices. I battle them everyday. The energy I spend on getting rid of the tremendous. I think it's time to put some music on.

Before my ECT yesterday, I had an anxiety attack. I know I need them even though my insurance pays sporaticlly. I felt uneasy, scared. The staff helped ease my fears. They are a friendly lot.

I see my pdoc tomorrow. It's for my 5 minute shot.

I'm at a loss.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Breaking out

2009-05-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

As you all may know I was a speaker for the Mental Health Association. I had the opportunity to speak to people that have no "illness."

The first time I spoke at the place where my brother lived was the one of the hardest. I spoke in front of the employees. It was an effort to educate them. I was very nervous. When it was my turn to speak, I started out slow, but the overall experience was awesome. They staff were amazed that I was hearing voices right then and there and was still able to get up in front of them and talk.

I also talked to a psychology class, three different times. That was the best talk. They were curious to say the least.

When I left my last job, not many knew I had SZA. I've run into a few and told them I had SZA and they say "I never knew."

I told my dentist that I wasn't normal, because of my SZA. She's said "I always thought you were normal."

When I was waiting at the hospital for my ECT, a woman who was there to give a ride to someone, asked Margaret why I was there and said "he acts so normal."

And lastly, I decided about a year ago to blog on my local newspaper website. I call it The Voices Within. I started that blog to reach out to people who are clueless about the Mentally Ill. I've gotten some good comments. One time I posed the question would you knowingly date a person with a mental disgnosis. One response was " yes..if there was the right chemistry."

I ran across a woman that worked at the state hospital, at the grocery store. We stood there and talked about 20 minutes about the hospital as people walked around us.

Disclosing your illness is personal. You may get some crank people that will look down on you. Then there's others that respond in a postitive light.

I've been fortunate that my small effort to educate, and give SZ a different face has been good.

I am not scared anymore.

If you decide to disclose, be warned that some will not take the news lightly.

I was surprised at the number of people that are not judgemental. The need to educate will always be there. I will be there to offer any insight.

Dave

ECT

2009-05-11T02:30:00.000-07:00

It's ECT day. I have one scheduled for 7:30am. I'm not really depressed. These ECT's are part of the reason that I'm not depressed.

Many MI's stop taking meds because they feel better. The reason they feel better is because of meds. I won't and don't go that route.... ever!

Voices are strong today. Out you bastards!

I really don't have much to write today.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T01:31:00.000-07:00

If you are a sensitive Mother, do not read this. What I'm gonna write pertains to MY mother only. This may trigger some.

When I was a child, my older brother would beat the shit out of me whenever he felt like it. Nobody protected me. I was always the blame for getting beat up. Dad said I had a big mouth and deserved to get beat and if I didn't stop crying he would threaten to spank me.

My mom who was also afraid to stand up to dear ole dad, never said a word. She never comforted me..NEVER!

Years later I'm a grown man. I have a good life, despite my upbringing.

I remember one time when I got ready to go to a school dance, I combed my hair differently. I went into the living room and mom laughed at me. I was crushed.

My version of a good mom, is one that will comfort me when I am hurting. One that will not ridicule me. She would help me to overcome my fears. Fix my boo boo's.

I wrote that mom was afraid of dad. I don't know how she put up with the verbal attacks. My dad treated her so badly. She is a battered wife. Not physically, but verbally and mentally. She's been his slave since the day they married.

I've written in the past that dad was my anti-role model. Mom is too. I wanted a wife that would stand on her own. A woman that was loving and caring. Strong enough to speak her mind, yet understanding.

Mixing the dad anti-role model and the mom anti-role model together, I took the best parts and combined them into my life. I didn't want to be my father and I didn't want a woman like mom.

Thankfully I was wise enough to know that a man should never treat a woman like the way dad does. The same goes for mom. A woman must protect her children if the father is absent...drunkenly absent.

Mom worked a 40 hour a week job. She had to come home and make dinner for 5 hungry children and dad. I admire her for that.

I understand now why the house was a mess. She was too tired to clean. I did my best to help. I remember one time when I was cleaning, the others were watching tv, I was sweeping the floor. When I got in front of the tv, I lingered there. That didn't work like I thought it would..I got beat up.

In conclusion, mom is older now. She has no children to feed. She never calls or emails. She is still a victim of abuse. I gotta hand it to her they are still together. I would've left his drunken ass years ago.

If you read this and were offended by it..I apologize. This is how I see and remember my mom.

I will be calling her later today to wish her a Happy Mother's day.

2 out of 3 is good ..right?

2009-05-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

Today Margaret and I decided to bake some new recipes. I say new to us anyway.

The first recipe is for Applesauce bread. We saw Paula Deen bake it last night. It looked good so we went for it. I had trouble creaming the butter and brown sugar. Upon finishing creaming I put the rest of the ingredients in and baked it. I was pleasantly suprised how it turned out. Paula had trouble getting hers out of the pan..mine just plopped out! After it cooled a bit, I cut some slices slathered it with butter..OMG it was so good. A keeper.

The second recipe is sausage balls. It's a real simple recipe. I had trouble mussing the sausage together with the Bisquick and cheese. I rolled balls of it and baked em. When they were done...YUCK!! It had a nice sausage taste, but a doughy texture. Not a keeper. OH! Did I mention Frappe liked it. He watched me the whole time. I cooked and baked for at least two hours.

My daughter and grandson are here. While Dylan and Mandy were out back cleaning the pool, when Teddy knocked Dylan over and into poopy. We are washing his clothes now.

I made steak and corn on the cob for lunch. MMMMM Those steaks were good. The secret to a good corn on the cob, add suger to the water and boil for 7 minutes.

I am so tired from cooking and baking.

Dylan's smile is infectious. I love the way his face lights up when he sees me. He gets so excited.
At the grocery store I like to play around with the workers. When we cash out we use our debit card. The last step you have push the green confirm button. I asked the cashier how I would do that if I were color blind. She was like "That's a good question" HEE HEE!

At another grocery store a guy was using a forklift. I asked the guy if it was fun to drive it. He said "only at first" HEE HEE!
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

4:30am today!

2009-05-09T03:10:00.000-07:00

WooHoo! I slept in this morning..4:30 am!

I just got done reading emails and journals.

Yesterday started out kinda blah. It didn't stay that way too long. Took the dogs to the park, Frapper..aka Frappe, shook loose his collar..twice. I got mad. I shouldn't have but I did.

Margaret and I went to see the new Star Trek movie. If you are a fan of Star Trek, this movie is a must see. We thoroughly enjoyed it. That's all I will say about that. Don't wanna spoil it. My favorite character is Spock! He's very intelligent with a childlike curiosity.

After the movie we went to a hamburger joint called "Five Guys." They have the best burgers anywhere. We've gone there three times this week! We're hooked! I don't know why they call it Five guys, there were two women there..lol!

After we got home my daughter called and needed dad's taxi service. Dylan was at school and had a temp of 100.3 and had to go home. I don't see him much so I went and got him. I love the way his face brightens when he sees me. It warms my heart.

Mandy and Dylan are coming over today. If the weather is nice we may go to the park. I bought two wooden airplanes, so Dylan and I can put them together and play with em. They remind of the planes I made as a kid. Pass the torch. I love toys.

The circus is in town as well as in my head. I fought them off today. They ain't gonna get me today!

I guess that's all for now.

Live long and prosper, love the small things, laugh at yourself, learn that we are all in this together, listen to your heart,

Dave

Frappe alarm and the bells of St.Margaret

2009-05-08T03:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up really early this morning. I messed around online for a bit. I laid back down until the Frappe alarm went off. Nothing wakes you up better than a cold, wet Frappe nose in your face.

Today we plan on going to see the new Star Trek movie. Yup! We're Trekkies! I hope it's good. The first show is at 10:45am.

I've been kinda blah lately. No motivation, no desire to really do anything. I have been keeping up with the pool. I wish I could go in it. Too cold still.

I made a comment on a blog on the local newspaper website. The author of the blog wrote a nice comment back. I don't get many comments on my blog. That's okay.

We went shopping at our favorite discount store. We bought a solar windchime for B and J. We have two on our deck. We also bought a huge windchime that I call "the bells of St.Margaret."

We sent my mom a card for Mother's Day and a Walmart gift card. She emailed us to say she got it and and thank you. I never know what to buy for her. Two years in a row I sent her the same flower arrangement. I was told about it. So now it's a gift card.

We bought a blue hydrangea bush. I planted it by the driveway. While I was out there I heard a cardinal chirping. To my surprise he was on the house next door. As I watched he flew into the nest in the rose bush. They came home! I am so happy I thought they wouldn't come back. I love the way the two them serenade each other.

It's Mental Health Awareness Month. To celebrate I'm gonna write blogs in the newspaper. I hope the state hospital will call me to come up and speak. I'm not gonna call them. I get my message out online.

I feel better writing this. There are a few things that bring me joy. Margaret, flowers, writing, nature, cooking and baking. I see a fruit berry pie in my future...hee hee.

I'm scraping that bench. OMG! What an undertaking. I found my Dremel. That will help with the stubborn parts.

Teddy's class is over. He did really good on the test. I did too. I am so proud of the work he did. We went out for ice cream. They have doggie ice cream too. Teddy loved it. I can't wait for winter so I can hook him up to a sled...heehee!

The voices are quiet today. No music playing. Nice and calm in my head. I've got the Early Show on. I love Maggie's legs. OOPS did I say that?

Wow! For someone who didn't have much to say, I've said alot. I told ya I like to write.

I guess that's enough rambling for now. I don't wanna put all my eggs in one basket. I wanna fry a few. Margaret loves eggs...hee hee.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The constant change of change

2009-05-06T02:58:00.000-07:00

Alvin Toffler: "Change is not merely necessary to life - it is life."

Maya Angelou: If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

If I didn't welcome change, I would be a lifer in the state hospital or I would be smoking, doing drugs and drinking. Those changes were made for my outside.
I stood in front of a mirror and said I can change and be happy and content. I am.

Some changes were subtle. Like I how found love. Margaret gave her love to me. I had never felt love until I met her. She's my soul mate.

Another change that surpised me was my compassion and empathy for others. I have never felt so good about extending a hand. I believe everyone is worthy of kindness, caring and support. People helping people.

Instead of me being a taker I became a giver.

I embrace change. I bring it to my heart, soul and body. I look for change. I am a work in progress. Will I ever stop changing? NOPE!

Some changes come slowly. The way I deal with my voices is going thru a major overhaul. I started that last year. It's about time! It took me 45 years to get off my butt and do something to counteract the voices.

Change will always be a part of me.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

the plant that wasn't seen

2009-05-05T03:10:00.000-07:00

Last year I had planted a few gladiolus bulbs and only got one to bloom.

We got in the car one day and I looked where there were a bunch of weeds. In the midst of those weeds was a yellow flower. I didn't think much of it. Upon arriving back home I went over to investigate the yellow bloom. It was the most beautiful flower I had ever seen. It was laying on the ground, with weeds all around. I cut the flower and brought it into the house and snapped a pic. It's one of my favorites.

When I was early on in my SZA career, I was the flower that no one could see. I was amongst some people that were weeds. They wanted to occupy all the good parts and choke me out.

There were some amazing people that saw through the weeds and found me. They nutured and took care of me. I am forever grateful.

We all are flowers in the weeds.

It's like seeing the forest through the trees.

If you haven't been found, shine your light and be a flower in the weeds.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

ebb and flow

2009-05-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

I live in a small city in upstate NY. I love living here. I am a city slicker. I also love nature and all it's beauty.

I learn alot from nature. I imagine myself to be an ocean., ebbing and flowing (even though I get sea sick). There's big swells and small swells. There's peace and serenity as the waves wash over the sand. The sand gets pulled into the sea and then it's brought back.

The ocean does get rough. But it will always calm down. It has high tides and low tides. Just like life. The ocean is wide and deep. It's like the mind of humans. There are parts that haven't been reached. It's powerful and majestic.

My brother was on an aircraft carrier in the Navy. He said that even though that ship was so big, the ocean still rocked the boat. (he got sea sick too).

Ships are safe in a harbor, but that's not what they are meant for.

Whether you are in a row boat or huge ship the ocean will treat you the same. Why can't humans learn that?

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Lemon pie and Classic Country

2009-05-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

I feel good right now. I got my classic country music playing. (not in my head,,lol!) Sunday as a kid we'd listen to the radio. The only station we could listen to was what King James liked. It was nice. I that memory.

Music is good therapy and shuts up the voices. It is required to have music while I cook.

I wanna go to the flea market. Frappe doesn't have many fleas...HEE HEE!

Today is lemon meringue pie day. Maybe porkchops. Margaret makes her own and I make my own. I don't like hers. That's about the only meal I don't like of hers.

Mandy and I cleaned the pool yesterday. Poor Dylan he was sleeping in the chair and fell out. He's okay, he didn't even cry. I had so much fun with him. He loves dinosaurs. You should see that kid eat! He ate his green beans! I admire him for that..I hate green beans.

The voices weren't too bad today. Thanks Johnny!

OMG this music is soooooooo good.

Well I can't think of much else to write. Maybe I'll write later.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

it worked

2009-05-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I felt like crap. I went for a drive to my old home. When I got there the anxiety swelled up. I left before it got too bad.

After I got back here my daughter called and wanted to do laundry. I wanted to see my grandson anyway.

I forgot who told me to do something besides cooking or cleaning, I tried, but couldn't hold out. I cooked a spiral ham and baked a chocolate cake from scratch. OMG! They were both so good....MMMMMMMMMMM. I also made the frosting for the cake.

I feel so much better. Cooking has been a huge part of my life for years. When I was behind a counter waiting and serving people, I was most happy. Now that I don't work, I still find that cooking, and now baking, are really good therapy.

So when in doubt, whip out the cookbook!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

A sliver and a shimmer

2009-05-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hope. The dictionary defines it as: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.

Hope is always with me. One time I lived in a homeless shelter. It seemed to alot of the guys that there wasn't any hope. I had a sliver of hope back then. I was in a state hospital for many months, I still had a sliver to hold onto. I saw the shimmer of hope.

I plant, plants in hope that they will grow. I nuture and tend to them. I feed and water them, hoping they will grow strong and healthy. I pull the weeds so they can have room to flourish.

Sometimes my hard work doesn't pay off. A flower will grow and then suddenly wilt. It saddens me when that happens, but I know I did my best to make it grow. The hope then is that next year will be better and they will become more than I ever dreamed.

The early years of my SZA there were seeds planted in my soul. It was up to me to nuture and tend to them. It took years for some of the seeds to produce the desired affect.

I am a slow learner. Just remember that the slow moving snail made it to the ark.
I enjoy writing here. The hope is that we all can learn from one another. And we do!
Live to see the inner spirit grow, love the path that we all share, laugh at ourselves, learn that we are special, listen to the sounds of life,

Dave

Teddy and the squirrel

2009-04-30T04:44:00.000-07:00

I got my Risperadol Consta shot at my pdoc office. It's a 5 minute visit. I haven't any issues to talk to him about. The voices, well what can I say?

I've been feeling great for a few days. I know it's the weather. I was sad because my tulips died, but my bleeding heart plant is so pretty. I'll take a pic and post it.

I'm proud of myself. Last night was Teddy's obedience class. About an hour before class I kick started up the anxiety machine. I took care of it ..fast! I took deep breaths and went and laid down. By the time we had to leave I felt better. The class went well. I didn't get all huffy and act like a spolied brat. Teddy did some good work. He's catching on quite nicely. Speaking of Teddy, he's sitting on the bench looking out of the window, protecting us from the killer squirrels. HEE HEE! Those squirrels love to tease him. It's funny to watch this huge dog sitting at the window, wanting to get at the squirrel. The squirrel probably goes home and says "That dog is so anxious to get me, so I just sit there going about my business, knowing he can't get me."

I stayed up late (8pm) and slept in this morning (5am). Voices are rummaging through my head, they ain't gonna get me!

I've run out of words. Have a good day all!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

happy revival

2009-04-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

Chinese proverb"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will avoid one hundred days of sorrow."

Yesterday was an awesome day. In the morning a friend stopped over for coffee. Margaret made dounts..MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM dounts. We had a nice chat. I learned a few things too. It's always nice to learn something new.

After she left, I went and picked up the kids. My son and I hooked up the pool. It's almost filled, I will finish filling it today.

My son was snooping around and found some squirt guns. Well let me tell ya two squirt guns in the hands of two grown men , lead to alot of fun. He started squirting me. Little did he know I have a water cannon! Needless to say we got soaked. I even got my daughter wet, I couldn't resist..hee hee!!!

It was so hot. The bud thingy things from my neighbors maple tree are attracted to water it seems. I swear every bud is in the pool. I got in the pool to skim it. Well since it's a new pool the bottom is slippery. Yep, you guessed it.. I slipped and fell in! But I'll tell ya something it felt good!

While the men folk were "working" Margaret made the best salibury steak, gravy, smashed potatoes and corn on the cob this side of the town has ever seen. She puts Total cereal in the salisbury steak... But we didn't have any, so she used Cheerios! OMG! That was so tasty!

Teddy came in from the yard, soaking wet. We thought maybe he was in the doggie pool. Nope he went in the big pool, he was jumping a running around in it.

It was a good day. I enjoyed the kids and the meal. Teddy is a blessing!

Live life to the fullest, love the chance of having a new day, laugh at yourself, learn that each day is a gift, listen to your heart,

Dave

lack of care

2009-04-28T03:06:00.000-07:00

I had 7 tulips blossom. It was so hot yesterday that they all wilted. I was sad. I so love plants.

If I didn't take care of myself, I would wilt. That isn't what I choose to do. I may have not taken good care of my tulips but I do take good care of me. After all I'm the only me.

We bought another pool. The government sent me some extra money, so we bought a pool. It was on sale too! Saved $50! I asked the kids to come over and help me put it up. I bribed them with food. Margaret makes the best salisbury steak and the best smashed potatoes! Now I'm hungry.

I've been feeling alright. I've been busy doing so much. I have been overworking. I'm telling myself to slow down.

I awoke this morning thinking about a theme for a poem. Since I don't want to waste a creative moment I wrote a few bars. I'll post it when I'm done. The trick to writing a poem is to take time and add to it at the right moment.

This weekend is the 60th anniversary of the Triple Cities Opera. Faust is playing. I've seen it before and would love to see it again. I love getting all decked out and stepping out on the town. Like I'm a party animal! NOT!!! Hee hee!

I'm gonna close for now. I wish you all a good day! Until we meet again.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

pools, flowers, music

2009-04-27T03:04:00.000-07:00

Pools and flowers. What can be better than that? I know! French toast and bacon!

I woke with a headache. I took some pills for it.

I know what's wrong, it's my shot due on Wednesday. Three or four days before the shot is due I get "funky." It's not the terrible funk, it's the I want meds funk. I still have a bruise from the shot two weeks ago.

I didn't get the pool up. There's a hole in the bottom. I patched it, but wonder if that will hold. I decided to not fill it up. I'd hate to have all that water flow out of it. We have a smaller pool. Margaret said we could buy a new pool. I don't wanna. I wanna use the pool we already have. There it's settled..hee hee!

I have daffodils. My tulips will blossom today. I can't wait. I'll snap a picture of them. My bleeding heart is also getting ready to blossom. The plant isn't as big as last year, but it's bushier. Is "bushier" a word? If it isn't it should be.

Voices are sporatic today. I just can't stop them. It's bothering me today. Like the sound of fingerrnails scratching on a blackboard. It's an hour before I can take my morning meds.

I'll put on some tunes. There.... bye bye voices...hello Cheap Trick!

I've babbled and dabbled enough. Have a day the best you can.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

knowing my limit

2009-04-26T03:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a nice, hot, sunny day. Felt like we skipped right into summer.

I decided to set up my pool. It's a "fake" pool according to a local pool retailor. It's one of those pop up pools you buy at Walmart. Fake or not it's a welcome relief when the Mercury tops 80.

It's 16' round and 32" deep. It's quite heavy to say the least. I leveled the ground off the other day. So yesterday I dragged it out of the shed. I filled it with about an inch of water so I could stretch it out. After awhile I couldn't take the heat and was getting lite headed. Plus I just wasn't strong enough. So I stopped and plan on finishing it today.

I used to be the type of person who likes to finish what I start. There are times when I have no other alternative but to walk away, I don't like to but have to. I learned from doing Suduko puzzles that when I get to the point where I'm not able to finish a puzzle, that I need to walk away. I have found that when I come back to whatever I was doing with a clearer head I'm able to finish.

When I write journals I have a hard time knowing how to finish. I like to write. I feel that I leave whatever I'm writing, like a cliffhanger. It's hard for me to wrap it up.

Thank you to all who read my journals. I get my inspiration from you all. I read the journals you write. I draw my strength for you.
We walk through this life together. It's nice to walk with you.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

voices whisper

2009-04-25T04:06:00.000-07:00

Voices are not of my choice. I was thrust upon with them. I believe I have them because I can handle them. I'm sorry I keep journaling about them, but they are one of my biggest problems.

I am able to sift through and find my true voice. The voice of reason and empathy.

It's like penquins. The little penquins find their parents by the sounds they make.

For a long time I listened to the whisper of the voices. I was drawn to them. I never thought that I wouldn't hear them. I accepted the fact that I will always hear them.

I try to find ways to stop. Medicine helps quell them. Concentration works sometimes. The "push" is a good tool. All these tools and I still hear them. Imagine the power they have.

Echoes in the canyon. I send out a voice and it comes back.

I thought I was getting messages from outer space, or that the tv and radio were sending me messages. I also thought that other people were projecting their thoughts in my mind. Well you know what? Those aren't the source. I still don't know why I hear voices. Is it a gift? Or is it a curse?

It still amazes me that the voices are so persistent.

The good news is that even after 29 years of hearing voices, I came out on top. Take that voices... all of you!

Living a life is hard on it's own. Add a few voices and the struggle gets 10x harder. I may never know the where and how of the voices. The why I hear them is a question without an answer. Have I given up? NOPE!

Thank you for allowing me the privledge of talking about the voices. I tell Margaret about them. She's amazed in them. Why not? I am too.

Voice or no voice I will live my life the best I can.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave and the voices in the yard

active awareness

2009-04-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

Recently I've had to deal with high anxiety. The best way to treat that for me is to stay active. It seems of late that I've been overly active.

Now that the warm weather is upon me, the busier I'll be.

But what about the depression? I don't feel depressed that much. When I do, I do the same thing as anxiety, I get active.

I just took a break from the yard. I was leveling it off for the pool. I'm not as young as I'd like to be, but the good thing is, I'm not anxious or depressed. OH! And the voices are quiet.

Sitting and doing nothing is not an option for me. The house and yard are looking great. My keg is slowly becoming a 6 pack.

I told you all that I'm slow. One hour a day of activity is good. I keep to that . Most days though I work alot more than one hour.

We bought another windchime. A 48" one. I have to mount it on the deck. Last week we bought a 60" windchime. It sounds like a church bell. St.Margaret's bells ..hee hee.

Well my break is over. The yard is calling my name.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Good Teddy, Dad Dave

2009-04-23T03:34:00.000-07:00

Last night we took Teddy to his obedience class. He did well, I didn't. I felt extremely uncomfortable. The trainer is alright for Teddy. I don't care for her. I couldn't wait to get out of there. I told Margaret I wanted to leave and not finish the class. There's two more classes. I dread the thought of going back.

I fear intimacy. I am very shy in social situations. At parties I was a wallflower. Right now this very moment thinking about all that has elevated my anxiety. That hasn't happened in weeks.

I can get up and talk in front of a large audience with no problems, but when it comes to talking face to face I fear it.

I've been having these flashbacks that seem like dreams..bad dreams. When one comes it zaps me. It's like I was hit by lightening. The jolt only lasts a second. This isn't anything new, it's been going on for months.

At the hospital on Monday for my ECT, a staff member wants to come over for coffee. I said it was okay. This woman has been good to me and Margaret when I'm an inpatient. I feel anxious because the house isn't prim and proper.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

46 and wondering

2009-04-22T01:24:00.000-07:00

At 46 years old, I still wonder how my folks feel about me. I can only assume. Will I ever know?..nope.

Moving past that fact, I will live my life as best as I can.

I can't let my feelings from the past weigh me down. I am learning to move on. Hard? yes. Painstaking? yes. Possible to overcome? yes. Can I do it? YES!

Let me write about something else.

The ECT went well yesterday. I have a sore jaw and neck pain. Don't worry it goes away.

Voices are talking softly. COOL! I'm trying to sift through and find MY thoughts.

It's not as easy as one might think.

French toast and bacon sound good for breakfast. I put eggs, milk, sugar, cinnamon and pure vanilla in it. Bread that's a little old is best. Fresh bread makes it mushy. One time I went camping and ate a whole loaf of french toast! It was soo good I couldn't stop eating.

I'm getting to like the Food Network. I've learned some good tips.

I reread this journal about 5 times. I guess I'm satisfied with it. (It's more like I can't find anything else to write.)

Live long and prosper, love the life you've been given, laugh merrily, learn that you can overcome, listen to your heart it brings life,

Dave

A staff view and a patient view

2009-04-22T01:18:00.000-07:00

This is stuck in my head. The only way to be rid of it is to write about it.

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a former staff of the hospital, at a grocery store. We chatted about the hospital. I want to examine what she feels about the hospital now and what I saw then and see now.

She started off saying that it's like a country club. All the patients needs are taking care of. Therefore they don't do or need to do anything. She said it isn't like the old days where patients could roam the grounds. There wasn't a fenced in area.

Here's my view of then.

The first unit I was on, there were fenced in porches. They had these huge orange plastic chairs. On weekends that's how we got fresh air. The building was drafty and the decor was less than appealing. They rounded us up like cattle. We had to line up for meds, meals or whatever. There was no carpet on the floors. The dorms were crowded. The food was horrendous. We were able to get schooling. There was no group therapy.

When I got admitted to an adult ward, we were allowed two smokes on the half hour. That was the only thing to look forward to.The showers were awful. I remember one time they had such an overflow that patients slept on beds in the hallway. You were given ground privileges for "good" behaviour. There was alot of abuse by staff back then. They didn't care. It was just a job for most of them. There were some good staff that cared.

Okay now. The last time I spoke there it was hot in the "day"room. There was carpet on the floors. The windows were new. The paint is cheerful. There were several paintings on the walls. The chairs are comfortable. It is very well lit.

They have classes and guest speakers. The groups are held on an different floor. Their main goal is to give the patients tools to use when they get out.

In my opinion the "new" style they have is far better than it was the last time I was there as a patient.

Whose view is right? Is it a country club? Are the patients pampered? Is there hope they will get out?

The only question I can answer is that yes there is hope.

They do have alot more ammentities.

I wrote about this before. I'm sorry. But it doesn't feel right to blame the patients. Looking at how they reacted to my speech, is appalling. 10 FELL asleep! Including 1 staff!!

There's alot of confusing thoughts whirling about my head. I have been able to "witness" both sides of the locked doors.

Where do I stand? I stand with the patients. They need it alot more than the staff.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

toolbox

2009-04-20T03:01:00.000-07:00

Learning to live with SZA and the voices requires the proper tools and maintenance. One thing that I do on a regular basis, is see what works for other people.

If I read something that a person did to overcome an obstacle, I'll try it. If it doesn't help, then it doesn't go in the toolbox.

I like to cook. In order to make something, I must use the proper tools. I have so many kitchen gadgets. (tools or toys?) I bought and egg seperator the other day, it worked better than I thought.

I go for my ECT in a little while. I feel good. The ECT will insure that I feel even better.(a good tool for me).

I have 4 daffodils that blossomed. I look at other people's yard and they tons of daffodils. I don't get jealous, well maybe some, I keep the hope up that I will get more. It's the quality that counts. (of course mine are the best..lol!)

I made apple dumplings yesterday..OMG! they were the best yet! I was crabby, but after seeing them and tasting, that crabbiness left the building. Cooking has always been the best medicine for me. When I see how good it looks and tastes even better, How can I not feel better?

The voices aren't too bad right now. The music is gone. I haven't got the time to listen to the nonsense that echoes my mind.

I gotta go shower and get ready for my ECT. Have a great day!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The bad turns into good

2009-04-19T02:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I got the idea for the theme of this sharepost.

I always tell Margaret some of the things I did as a child. I say that I was a bad kid. Yes! I was!

In 1973 we moved from our little village into the extreme country. I hated it as soon as we moved. I still do hate that place, even though I haven't been there in years. I was pulled away from my friends and the place I loved the most.

After the move I started to get angry. It got worse as time went on. I was in the 5th grade, and fearful of my classmates. (The only sanctuary were the woods.) I was out of place from day one.
I had curly brown hair, acne and very shy. I made a few friends. As it turned out those friends were as bad as I was.

By the 9th grade I was into drugs, drinking, and acting up. My grades plummented in short order. I argued with anyone that would argue back. I know now the drugs were making me feel more out of place then ever. I skipped school on a regularly. I got suspended for three days once. I didn't care. The family surely didn't care so why should I? I ran away for two weeks. I stayed out late and partyed every chance I could.

Most of all I was angry. I acted out my anger, that's all I had. I used to say if we didn't argue there would have been no communciation. I wasn't supposed to feel. Emotions didn't exsit.

The thing I regret the most is that I stole money from my mom. Looking back I see how selfish that was.
When my 1st onset of psychosis in 1980, and my subsquent hospital stay ocurred, my life changed. In the hospital if you were angry they would put you in a "quiet" room. I never understood why they called it the"quiet room" because whoever got put in there would scream and yell until exhaustion kicked in.

I learned to control my anger. I was taught that it's okay to feel happy.

The moral of this story is that out of darkness I became the man I am today. Caring, kind, considerate, compassionate, empathic. I turned the corner on my spoiled kid days.

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel. Seeing your way through to the other side is a joyous occassion. Turn the dark into the light. It's easier to see that way.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave

the time is now

2009-04-17T02:49:00.000-07:00

Monday is my ECT. I cannot wait. The shot helped the voices. The ECT helps the depression. I'm not depressed. The ECT is for maintenance. Besides I haven't got the time to be depressed. It just occured to me that staying busy not only keeps the anxiety away it also keeps the depression at bay. "Idle hands are the devils' workshop" my grandpa would always say.

The importance of staying physically active has just awakened in me. The results can be far reaching. Making a list helps to see how much I've done. It keeps me focused.

The backyard is looking good. All the junk is out except an old lawnmover that's been there since the beginning of time. LOL! Now I have to clear a spot for the pool. Just a minor adjustment. Today I have to rake leaves by the driveway. The back porch needs tending.

My flowers are doing good. Quite a few up but none blooming. I have to fence off a flower box because "jaws and claws" Teddy likes to dig. I bought some weed killer, it killed like it said it would. My weeping tree has fuzzies were the buds were and the bees love it.

Speaking of bees, when I was young there was a Honey manufactoring plant near us. Every year they'd put honey out for the bees. A friend and I would go over there and swat bees with our belts. Bee sting pain goes away after a while.

Chip, our starfish has disappeared. We think that he may have crawled out of the tank. I hope "jaws and claws" didn't eat em.

I've run out of things to write. I'm gonna do some word fill-in puzzles and turn on some music. Have a great day!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

the shot helps

2009-04-16T03:46:00.001-07:00

Got my Risperadol Consta shot yesterday and I feel better.

There was music in my head when I first woke up, but now there's nothing but an empty head. Even the voices are silent this morning.

Yesterday was a nice warm day so I thought I'd clean gutters. Sounds easy right? NOT! lol! I got the ladder out and began to dig out the mess. I tried to hose them. I ended up digging that stuff out with my hands..yuck! The whole time on the ladder I kept thinking I would fall off. (that's why the gutters are so bad.) They are much cleaner now.

I left a light on in the basement. I don't go in the basement when it's dark. The lights don't help my fear. Well I finally decided to go down and turn it off (Margaret prodded me).

When I went down I thought that maybe someone was down there. I checked all the areas where I thought a person would hide. The fear tore through me like a tornado. I jerked my head up and hit the duct work and now I have a 7" scratch on my head. It wouldn't be so bad, but I'm bald and so I can't hide it. Thankfully though I wear a hat when I go out. I didn't find any people down there, but I still ain't going back for awhile.

Took Teddy to obedience school last night. It went well. BUT! Before we went left, Teddy brought some of the gutter mess and scattered it all over the place. What a mess. So obedience school was a good investment.

Live for today, love your dog even though he makes messes, laugh at least 10x's a day, learn that you touch lives, listen to the sound of silence,

David

stupid SZA's?

2009-04-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

Does having SZA mean I'm stupid? I'm not.

A car is driving down the road when all of a sudden one of the tires falls off. He pulls over, right in front a of Psychiatric Hospital. He gets out and sees that the four lug nuts are missing. He stands and wonders what to do.

A patient is watching through the gate. He tells the guy to take one lug nut from the other three tires that way each tire will have three nuts each.

The man says "Wow! What a good idea." "How'd you'd ever think of that?"

The patient tells him "I am a schizophenic, I'm not stupid."

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The day the light went out.

2009-04-15T02:56:00.000-07:00

This is in response to smoking.

I quit about 16 or 17 years ago. I was smoking three packs a day back then.

The last day of smokes.

I bought a carton of cigs at work. I got home, and decided I wanted to play some basketball with my son. We went to the park near where we lived.

It was a bright, sunny, warm summer afternoon. About 5 minutes of playing I couldn't breathe. I had to sit and catch my breath.

I decided that was enough. I went home took the carton of smokes and smashed them.

I had been wanting to quit for months. I read alot of anti-smoking material. I was very concerned about my 3am coughing episodes, and the price of cigs. At that time they were about $2.50 a pack.

After the park, I needed a plan. I didn't want to buy sugarless candy, too expensive. I decided to stop drinking soda and coffee as well. I drank alot of water, it has no calories.

I also needed to figure out how to stop the physical part. I found a small smooth stone. Whenever I had the urge to smoke I would rub the stone until the urge went away. I rubbed that stone alot those first few weeks. That stone saved my life.

At Walmart I saw a sign with the price of smokes. $8 a pack. If I were still smoking 3 packs a day it would cost me $24 a day or $8,760 a year!

Saving that much money is awesome. Maybe I'll go to Vegas.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

I'm trying

2009-04-14T03:54:00.000-07:00

I've been up since 2:30am. I'm doing my word fill-in puzzles. I'm a classic multi-tasker.

The Little River Band is singing "Reminiscing" in my head. Cool song. Voices are here too. I don't care what they say, I do not listen to them anyway.

I'm working on a project. I discovered that I type fast. I misspell words. My project is too take it slow. I'm always in hyper mode when I type. I'm trying to slow down. Besides I have all the time in the world.

I tried to lay down, but that gave me a headache.

I see my pdoc tomorrow for my Risperadol Consta shot. I can't wait.

It's supposed to be nice today. The yard is calling me. There isn't much left to do out there. I guess I'll have to go back to the basement.

I turned on some "REAL" music. Bye, bye voices.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Rainbows or waterfalls?

2009-04-13T03:02:00.000-07:00

I slept in this morning. I woke up at 3:45am.

The song lyric of the day is-"don't go chasing waterfalls".

The voice chip in my head is also playing.... popping in and out and around my mind. I talk alot about my voices. More now than I ever have. Why? I think that if I talk about them enough they will leave me alone. Not many people understand the scope and gravity of hearing voices. Some say they aren't real. They are very real to me.

The voices I hear aren't God or the devil. They ain't angels or demons. They are people's voices I hear during the course of a day. It could be people on tv or radio (when the radio in my head isn't playing.) Or people from my past. A friend of mine died last year. I still here his laugh.

Even though I hear voices, I still manage to have a good life. I learned years ago, that if I listen to my voices, I will get sick.

At times I have to force myself to concentrate on something outside my mind, it could be music or tv, or doing housework. Cooking is a good way to stop the voices. (there is the food connection, bet you thought I wouldn't say it!)

Well this is getting long. Chase your dreams. Look for rainbows.

Live to see the beauty in everything, love the simplest things, laugh at how the world gives you lemons and make a lemon pie, learn that YOU are important, listen to the still voice in your head.

Dave

Silly Sunday Sounds

2009-04-12T03:57:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday. It doesn't make any difference what day it is, they all are equal.

Voices were talkative today. I chatted with a friend. We had a good talk and I completely forgot about radio station WDAVE.

There's times when I need to step away from my SZA. I try to share my time with you all and Margaret and home life. Step back and put my SZA against the wall, so I can clean the floor.

How does lemon pie sound? Well actually it doesn't make any sound. Isn't weird how we say things? Like when Margaret and go somewhere and someone will say "Hi Guys" I politely respond "she's not a guy." Or how about when someone says what does the newspaper say? I say "it doesn't say anything you have to read it.' And lastly when someone says "I'm mentally ill." Nobody ever says "I'm diabetic or I'm cancer."

If someone offered you help would you accept it? If not why? I accept all the help offered. Dear old dad never accepts help. His knees are bad and he could've have them taken care of years ago, but refused to go to the doctor. I'll tell ya if my knees get worse I will do whatever it takes to make them better.

I learned something about Teddy. He doesn't like it when you blow in his face. My nose can attest to that.

Other than feeling really tired, my mental state is weird, but good. What continent is the mental state on?

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

I failed?

2009-04-11T03:41:00.001-07:00

Napoleon Hill wrote"Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities."

I wonder how many times I failed. There were times when I wouldn't try something because I feared I'd fail.

I worked in a cafe for years. I started out as a busboy, eventually became manager. As a busboy I failed for a period of time to get ahead, to be be recognized. Then one day I was shown how I was failing. Soaking that in I decided to take on the challenge and be the best busboy ever. That's was the first step on my long journey.

I don't think I'm great. I think I'm wise because of my failures.

I sometimes get frustrated over something, and say "forget it I ain't gonna do it." I will walk away, collect my thoughts, get some logical thinking and come back to solve what got to me. My dad, the anti-role model would give up if he failed. That is never an option.

Learn from what is on your plate. Speaking of plates, as a child I hated pumkin pie. Now I love it. The failed attempt at making a decent lemon pie, proved to be an education. Now the pie is better, but it still needs tweaking a bit.

Have you noticed the food theme? I love food, planning, shopping, and cooking.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

through the eyes of babes

2009-04-10T02:10:00.000-07:00

I got up at 3am. I couldn't get back to sleep. Usually I can't go back once I wake. So I come out to my chosen family.

Yesterday I went to see my grandson. He's a cool kid. When I pulled up to his house a great big smile filled his face. He says "Grandpa, I found you!" I snatched him up and gave him a great big grandpa hug and kiss. I looked right in the eyes and told him, "I love you!"

I chatted for a bit and asked my daughter if she wanted to hang out with me. We went to see my brother MIke. When we got to Mike's, there was a female duck just hanging out near the front door. I said "look Dylan a duck!" He eyes got big and was entranced by the duck. I asked him "what does a duck say?" He's says "quack, quack!" It was so cute.

We visited Mike for a few minutes. Then I brought them over here. Dylan headed right for the saltwater tank. He says "look grandpa Nemo has a tail!" "Nemo is a clown fish, grandpa." They visited for a bit , then I brought them home. It was a nice visit.

Wouldn't it be great if we adults could look at the world through the eyes of children? Imagine how much wonder and pure joy we could have.

I used to do this in my mind alot. I would pretend I was looking at things for the first time. I would look around and think "wow, that's cool or that is amazing or I wonder how they built that." I was astounded at how many new things I found.

I'm running out of things to write. I would like to thank you all for your support. It has been a lifesaver for me.

"Walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk in front of me, I may not follow. Walk beside me and be my friend."

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The good, the bad, the better

2009-04-09T03:09:00.000-07:00

Auguste Rodin wrote"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely."

During one of my high anxiety events, it was hard to see or even think of how to get out of it. I couldn't see past the anxiety. My mind was racing, I had all these terrible thoughts. I felt despair, and fear. I couldn't think logically. It crippled me.

After what seemed like an eternity, I arrived on the other side. I saw my way through.
I am new to the anxiety attacks and how to cope with them. I took deep breaths, I turned on some music, I got up and forced myself to get busy and I told myself that I can get over this.

Sitting still and doing nothing wasn't and isn't an option.

I wrote a note as a reminder of the theme of this post. "Remember the good things when feeling bad." Not only remember the good things, remember that I got through it. That's the light at the tunnels end..I made it through a hard situation and I can do it again. That's the wisdom of the experience.

It's like my lemon pie recipe. The first two attempts were okay. After talking to Margaret and coming up with ways to make it better, it did get better. The mistakes I made those two times showed me that if I tweaked just a bit, it was worth trying. I made some mistakes with the 3rd try. Again my experience will make my 4th pie even better.

Thomas Edison tried 2,000 times to make a light bulb. If he can keep trying , so can I.

live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Lemon pie, meatballs and paradise

2009-04-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

I made another lemon meringue pie. It's in the fridge and we will get to it tomorrow. I stuck my finger in and it tasted good.

Moving right along to meatballs. YUCK!They were the worse meatballs I ever cooked! I tried a recipe from our favorite Italian restaurant. They sure as heck didn't even come close to theirs. YUCK! Well needless to say that recipe got shredded.

Then there's paradise. Right here in Binghamton's 1st ward. Margaret is amazing. She puts up with me no matter what. ..even through crappy meatballs.

We got a call yesterday from the garage that inspected our car last year. It was a reminder that the inspection is due. OMG! I totally forgot. Thankfully they called. I take it in tomorrow.

At Walmart today my hand started tingling and pain was shooting up my arm. Margaret talked me into going to the doctor's office. He couldn't find anything wrong. He did a thorough exam. He said if it doesn't get better to call his office.

No matter what happens..take care of it. And if your meatballs don't turn out too good, Frappe and Teddy will eat them.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

Do I or don't I?

2009-04-08T02:57:00.000-07:00

Helen Keller said "Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."

I have a choice today. Do I suffer or do I overcome?

I've had SZA for almost 3 decades. I never imagined in my wildest of dreams that I could overcome whatever blocked my vision. I quit drinking, drugs, cigarettes, and caffeine. All because I choose to overcome.

I suffered at the hands of an abusive brother, an alcoholic father. I chose to overcome that. I faced my worst fear and overcame it.

I admit overcoming the emotional abuse has been my life's journey. What a ride it has been! Would I trade it? NO way!

My experiences are what made me who I am today at this very moment. I can sit and cry and I can sit and laugh. I do both regularly. I could look backwards all I want. In doing so, I could walk into a parking meter. I choose to look at where I am and where I wanna be...besides walking into a parking meter hurts.

For the longest time when I walked I looked down. I was ashamed and fearful of people's eyes. I had nothing to look up to. Then I asked myself do I or don't I? I try to look up and face the world square in the eyes. I said try. There's times when I catch myself looking down. I tell myself to look up, walk proud.

Patience & perservance are what it takes to change a behavior.

I'm a work in progress. Always looking for things to help me overcome. You'd be surprised what I find.

I guess I'll close for now. I'm gonna so searching.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

ah! the simple life

2009-04-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

Margaret and I have a simple life. We keep to ourselves. Last night we were watching Judge Judy. When the baliff calls the people for the next case, he does this finger thing. I always mimic his jesture. Last night Margaret asked me how he and I do it. I was teaching her how to do it when I said "Boy oh boy aren't we a sad lot." We laughed so hard. What a life! You gotta love it.

This morning was good. No wake up music and very few voices.

The kitchen needs cleaning. I like to clean because I get to listen to my music.

I guess that's all for now.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

Monday Morning Musings

2009-04-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

It's early Monday morning. I didn't write yesterday. I couldn't find any words to write. I'm hoping I can today. I so love to write.

I haven't been very busy this last week. I feel guilty. The house isn't too bad. Gonna mop the floors today so the dogs can paint new mud pictures all over again. We have white ceramic tiles in the kitchen. The dogs come into the kitchen through a doggie door on the back porch. It's almost impossible to keep the floors "mud free". I told Margaret that we could wet Frappe down and use him as a mop...lol! Yesterday I turned on the kitchen light only to find doggie prints on the counter. I sent a copy to the FBI for analysis...LOL! I love my dogs!

The city is slowly getting back to "normal." The massacre will be indented in our minds forever. The outpouring of support from everyone is truly amazing. I say alot that I believe in the human spirit. The spirit people have shown each other these last 4 days is immense.

We have a free week this week. No appointments. WOOHOO!

I so wish it would stay warm until Sept. I want flowers!!! Speaking of that I put the bench planter out and filled it with potting soil.

I sectioned off a part of the backyard so I could grow grass. Well my job of keeping the dogs away from it didn't work. They now have a new potty.

I guess I found a few words after all.

OH! My brother-in-law (Jim) had bypass surgery and is in I.C.U. I hope he makes it. He also has emphysema. I'm so glad I quit smoking when I did. Jim is only a year older than I.

If you smoke, remember you are hurting yourself in so many ways. My aunt died last year from COPD due to smoking. It's an awful way to suffer.

Live righteously, love unconditionally, laugh merrily, learn from those who came before you, listen with your heart,

David

April 4th, 1980

2009-04-04T03:30:00.000-07:00

It was a decent plan. My friend Mike would ask to stay at my house and I'd ask to stay at Mike's house. Mike knew a church in Owego where we could spend the night. Brillant! So we hooked up a ride to Owego. Bought some drugs and beer.

There was this girl that wanted to party with us, we said of course. It didn't take long before we were all over that girl. I kissed her so much I didn't know where we were. Time seemed to stand still.

Somehow we ended up in the woods. She had to pee. I went with her. The guys were shouting for us to hurry up. There was thorn bushes. The girl was laying on the ground, I helped her up. My vision was blurred so badly I couldn't tell what happened.

All of a sudden, like a light switch, I heard people in my head. They were telling me it would be okay. You are fine. This is what happens the first time with a woman. I was mesmerized.

The voices laughed a deep, heavy laugh. The voices were loud, booming. They told me I was bad and evil for taking advantage of that girl. They said I had to pay for the sins of my friends.

I didn't know what to do. I was confused and amazed by the voices. I was numb. I concentrated on the voices. They told me to listen. They are in control now.

After getting back to the car, Mike said he was going home. I didn't care. So I hitched a ride to my house. I got home about 3:30am. My parents never said a word about how late I came in that morning.

I didn't sleep that 1st night. I couldn't the voices were bad back then. I didn't tell anyone, not even my best friend. Nobody believed in me anyway.

That was 29 years ago today. I have heard voices almost everyday since. In fact I hear them right now. (Judge Judy). One time I didn't hear them for a whole month. That was three years ago.

My voices don't tell me to hurt anyone. They don't tell me to do things. I'm learning to "push" them out as soon as I hear them. It works most of the time. I would love so much to have control of them.

Since 1980 I've had numerous hospitalizations and just about every med available. I have had dozens of ECT's. I've been in therapy. The best thing that ever worked was my own effort to "push" them out. It takes alot of energy and determination to fight back the voices.

Journaling has helped.

April 4th, 1980 is when my world was shaken up. I regret that I have to deal with the voices 29 years later. But I will keep working to find a way to stop them. I have not given up nor do I intend to.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

old school

2009-04-03T02:39:00.000-07:00

Song lyrics from "Delta Dawn" are repeating in my head. Too early to turn music on. The judge's voice from People's Court is talking loudly. I'm pushing that voice out.

Yesterday at the grocery store, I ran into a former state worker that took care of me in 1980's. I was nice to see her. We talked about the "the hill" and how it has changed.

She worked there for 38 years. She was saying that, now it's like a "country club." The patients have no drive to get out and stay out. She said that everything is provided for them...meals, meds, shelter.

When I was there in the 1980's it was hard. They (the staff) were gruff, but they got the point across. Either you got up and helped yourself or you became a "lifer."

I don't know exactly how it is there. From what I've seen in my gigs it is a "country club." It breaks my heart to say that. I cannot go into details because of confidentiality laws. I will say, from what little I've seen, I'm saddened. Where is the motivation to get help?

This bugs me. I'm torn. I want to give the patients an example of how they can go out and and make it. But if they aren't driven, then they will be "lifers."

I realize I cannot save all the starfish. I am still gonna try. I cannot and will not give up on those people. People didn't give up on me. Country Club or not I believe that each and everyone of those patients has a chance at life "outside the locked doors."

Flip the coin

2009-04-02T03:12:00.000-07:00

I, for reasons my own, decided to not write for awhile. I cannot censor myself like that. Writing for me is a way to clear out the mess (cobwebs actually) from my head. I have to write. I feel poorly when I don't write. It's like a coin..there's two sides to it and they co-exist in the same space.

I haven't been on top of things lately. The 4th of April is 2 days away. I will write about the 4th that day. I don't want to say much now about Sat. I want to make sure that I get all the thoughts out then.

The voices are...voices.... I was really hoping that my way of pushing them out would work. They come fast and leave just as fast. I know that the voices will never go away. BUT I will look for ways to counter them.

On a entirely different note, I have about 6 crocus flowers blooming. It is so nice to see color in my flower beds. My indoor plants are doing well. I can't wait to bring them out into the sun and fresh air.

I got my Risperadol shot yesterday. That helped. I didn't talk much to my pdoc. I rarely talk to him. I go there for the meds. I get therapy elsewhere (online).

I haven't much else to write.

Liev, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

The woods

2009-04-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday. The day is warm and sunny with a slight breeze rustling through the trees. The peace and calm is refershing.
Dad's been at the bar all morning long and will be home soon. The chaos will soon begin. I know when he comes home he will be angry. He always comes home angry. Angry at Lord knows what or why. It doesn't matter, nothing can stop his fury.
It's one o'clock in the afternoon. I hear the car coming down the driveway. My fear and anticipation mount. I've been through this too many times. The peace and tranquility is shattered like broken glass.
Dad comes in the house you can see the anger in his face. At that moment all's quiet, no one says a word. We don't dare. We walk on eggshells. We don't wanna set the him off. Though we try, we cannot stop the inevitable.
Dad sits in his chair and orders me to get him a beer from the fridge. I comply. I can never not do what he says. I must follow his demands or face a fierce tongue lashing. At least he doesn't hit me, that's Perry's job.
All of a sudden he starts his tirade. His face twists and contorts barely rocognizable. You can see the the anger and hate. He's yelling at me to clean my bedroom. I had cleaned it earlier, but apparently not to his standards. I try with all my might to please him. He's always bashing me. I'm sick and tired of it. I'm angry. I yell back. My mistake. We get into it heavy. Venom spews from our mouths. Hurtful words. I don't care, I've had enough. For more years then I care to count this drama plays out. I yelled what I had to get out, now I must run.
I run from the house into the woods. I hear them calling me. I run until I cannot hear any of them. After awhile I sit down on a log covered with moss. Tears run down my face. I cry out "why can't dad be happy?" I have no answer. That question will never have an answer to it.
After taking some deep breaths I settle down. The anger and fear vanish. I wipe the tears from my face. I look around for answers to my prayers. I realize the answer surrounds me. The trees, the birds, the stream all of it is there for me. Time is irrelevant here.
The woods sounds comfort me. There's a woodpecker tapping on a tree. A snake slithers through the dead leaves. The leaves blowing in the wind soothe me. The stream babbling along brings joy to my soul. The song birds sign their songs in a harmonious melody. The smell of moss and the and the fresh clean air waft through the breeze.
The woods are my escape from the horrors I face at home. It is here that I feel my best. There isn't any anger or hate. Here I feel whole, comfortable, at ease. There isn't any hate or despair.
The serenity and peacefulness is everthing I need to think. I think of what I'm gonna do with my life. I wonder how long will running away will last. I run to escape. I know deep down that running cannot go on forever.
Why am I destined to be part of this awful family? I can't wait til I'm old enough so I can leave them all behind. I hate them. I hate them all.

I've been working on this story for awhile. I wanted to write how the woods were a good place. A place that was my own.

I reread it, and I see all the hate invovled. This was not my intention. I wanted to give it a positive spin. I feel as though I have dampened it with negative energy.

Monday's ECT, Tuesday's reaction

2009-03-31T03:30:00.000-07:00

I couldn't wait for my ECT yesterday, so as to feel better. I don't. I'm not sure why I feel poorly. The ECT went well. It always does. The day after I feel great. Not today though. I've been having nightmares lately. My neck hurts, which always does after an ECT. I feel sluggish. I hate that feeling. I've been up since 3:30am. It's now 6:30am. My morning meds are due @ 7am. I tried to write a journal 3x and deleted it 3x. My stomach feels like I ate a 5 course meal. All I ate so far today was 3 kolachi's and a Reese Big Cup. I took my meds just now, a few minutes early.. Maybe they will help. The voices are quiet for the most part. They were spinning earlier. I'm gonna post this. I can't think of anything else I wanna talk about.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

grey background, beautiful middle

2009-03-30T01:54:00.000-07:00

In 3 hours I will be having my ECT. I'm so glad. I have been feeling down. The ECT will help. I'm supposed to fast for it , but my mouth gets so dry. I sip water, just enough to "wet my whistle."

Yesterday morning there was a male cardinal and a female cardinal singing to each other. What a beautiful melody! I got my camera, took a pic I thought it didn't show him that well. I uploaded or downloaded and put his pic as my background. Wow what a pic! The sky is grey and the tree is barren, but in the middle sits this wonderful bird.

Voices were strong this morning. Right now this monent they aren't too bad. They are like a tornado swirling around in my head. Then they are calm and peaceful. I really don't know why I hear voices. At first I thought I was broken. Now I wonder.

Do not feel bad for me. It isn't horrible to hear them. It's not the end of my world. I am used to them. I am able to have a good way of living.

There are times it gets me down. Those are the times when I think of people like Helen Keller. She overcame way more than I. I feel that if she can..I can!

Overcome your MI and sing, even when it's grey.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

Dave

The grateful woodpecker

2009-03-29T04:06:00.000-07:00

The journey continues, for which I'm grateful for.

When I was in the backyard I saw a woodpecker going about his day, pecking the big maple tree next door. Can you imagine being a woodpecker? I wonder if he ever gets a headache.

I'm grateful that I have another chance at another day. It's not easy for me to "live for today." I'm either looking ahead or back.

The simple things make a day a great day. Today I'm gonna take it easy.

I feel good right now. The voices weren't a nuisance. I didn't even hear any music this morning. I have real music on now. Does that count as hearing music? LOL!

I have an ECT tomorrow. I need it. It's been rough these last 4 days.

My bleeding heart plant is coming along nicely. Plants taught me patience. They grow at their own pace. It's wonderful to see the first shoots. Then they get bigger and eventually blossom. They take effort to grow. The attention you give it reflects how well the plant will do.

Patience takes work too. Teddy is staring out the window. Patience. Maybe the squirrel will come out to tease him.

Be careful if you pray for patience. You will be tested.

I'm gonna leave this post where it is. LOL!

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

p.s the squirrel just came out. Patience.

headaches and heartaches

2009-03-28T02:35:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy this morning. I feel not right.

I called my sister yesterday, to see how Jim is. He's alright. I hope that his surgery goes well.

My sister is estranged from my three brothers. That sucks. It just shows me how unfeeling they are. Grow up!

I've often said that my family is my biggest problem. They act as if they are superior. Guess what? They ain't!

We all had it rough living at home. Dad is a tyrant and Mom is meek.

I used to think that family was important to me. After all we're blood, right? And that blood is thick.

When I lived at home, I'd get so mad and yell.."I hate you!" I was told that my heart was too little to hate, to which I would say "It will be big enough someday."

Guess what happened? I didn't grow up to hate. I grew up to love. Something my family cannot understand. I weep for them.

My family I cannot help. They all have chosen their way. I am not superior to them, nor wish to be.

We used to have holidays together. We'd laugh and have a good meal. Now all we have are headaches and heartaches.

I'm sorry for the theme of this journal. My forward thinking is caught in reverse. I just hope I don't walk into any parking meters.

As I said I love more than hate. I love that my mind is clear. I don't have to look through the "rose colored" glasses anymore.

I'm telling you all this instead of my family. If I did say these things to them it would fall on deaf ears.

My heart is heavy. I'm sad. I'm hurting.

I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that I will.
Thank you for allowing me to show my vunerable side. I don't normally let anyone in to see that side of me.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

bread1 David 0

2009-03-27T03:16:00.001-07:00

Bread 1, David 0.
Yesterday morning I decided to bake some bread. Sounds good right? The smell of fresh bread baking. My mouth salivating thinking how soft and warm it will be with butter melting all over it.
Good idea in principle. I set about my task, mixed the ingredients. Let it set for the recommended time.
I knew something was wrong with it, when the yeast didn't foam up in the liquids. I let it "rise". I looked at it after a while and it didn't rise. I mean it didn't rise any! So I put it in the oven. No fresh bread smell. It looked the same as when I put it in the oven. Finally I called it a loss. When I took it out of the oven, it was as hard as a brick! I'm not kidding. It was awful! Even the dogs wouldn't eat it!
Margaret, bless her heart, healed my ego by laughing! I was laughing too. How could I not laugh?
Well since I'm not known to give up, I'm gonna try it again today. I blame the yeast for not "foaming." And my lack of experience working with yeast.
Thomas Edison wrote"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."
I feel good today. Yesterday was a rough day. Even though it was rough, It had some good moments. My daughter was here doing laundry. I live in an area known as the 1st ward of Binghamton. The main thorough fare is Clinton St. They call it Antique Row. There's a little shop not far from here, that looked interesting. Mandy and I went down to checkout it out. What a nice shop. I bought two slices of pizza. OMG! was that good! I'm gonna take Margaret there.
Live for today, love yourself, laugh at your mistakes, learn patience, listen to the sound of silence,
David

display of humaness

2009-03-26T12:20:00.001-07:00

Is "humaness" a word. If not I apologize.

I got a call from my mom in Florida. Usually when she calls it's serious. She said my brother-in-law (Jim) had a heart attack. I said "omg! Which she responded by saying it was a "little heart attack." I reminded her that any heart attack isn't good..even the small ones.

I called my sister to offer any help I can. She stated that Jim has to have bypass surgery.
Debbie (my sister) wanted me to know because I'm the only sibling that cares about her. My two older brothers won't talk to her at all. Mike, my younger brother has no feelings for the family, with good reason.

I cried.

I cry for my family. It won't do them any good, but I have feelings and the rest don't.

Jim is 47. I'm 46. Thus the word humaness. I have had several deaths in the last few years. But the thought of Jim possibly passing scares me.

My dad in an effort to console me, made rude remarks about Jim. That's dear ole dad. He never said anything good about Jim or any of us for that matter.

My nephew isn't even Jim's child, but took him as his own. Dad would never do such a thing.
Oh man I'm looking at my own mortality. I wrote that "everything happens at precisely the right time."." Even this.

I weep. I weep because of the family drama.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

oh hum

2009-03-26T03:04:00.000-07:00

It's another day. Thursday I believe.

I cannot believe March is almost over. Where does the time go? I'm retired and time should go slow.. right?

I am so ready for Monday's ECT. (Talk about time escaping). I'm weary. Tired from all the Kolachi's I ate.....lol!

I feel the anxiety rise. I will do some work later..it's too early right now.

I'm gonna pick up my daughter so she can do her laundry. She doesn't have much money, and what little she does have she spends on my grandson.

I just realized something. Even though she has very little, she's happy. Never complains about what she doesn't have. She has more than I, in terms of gratitude. I mean I am grateful for what I have, but she has a heck of alot more than I.

I'm crying now. I will post this.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

the cure

2009-03-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

I wonder if there will ever be a cure for SZA in my lifetime. If there ever is, how will I be? What will my mind do? Would I miss the voices?

Are the meds polluting my brain? What are the long term effects on my body? I know how important my meds are. I hope I never forget what it's like without them. That memory scares me. I don't take my meds out of fear, I take them to function.

I guess I'm just frustrated today. My ECT is on Monday. I can feel the need for it.

I'm doing okay. I will manage until Monday.

It's been a long day. Margaret and I finished up the Kolachi's. We made walnut and apricot. This was a good batch of em..very tasty.

I started this sharepost this morning around 7am or so. I went about my day and now it's 4:09pm.

I cleaned some wood work in the kitchen. I made myself stuffed porkchops, with gravy. It was delicious.

I'm out of sorts. I feel different. Depressed some. Anxious a little. No voices though.
I'm gonna post this.

Live to give, love when you give, laugh at yourself, learn to find the peace, listen and ye shall receive,

David

is the time right?

2009-03-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to think of who may have said this quote: "Everything happens at precisely the right time." I think it's in Alice and Wonderland.

I believe that to be true. I'm a firm believer that people cross my path for a reason. Some call it Karma. Some call it destiny. Others a coincidence. I call it good timing.

Today we made about three dozen Kolachi's. They turned out tasty. I didn't lose my temper. Kolachi's are time consuming. It took about 2 hours to make and bake the 3 dozen. We're gonna make more tomorrow.

Voices are bad today. They echo through my head. I'm able to "push" em out.

I was feeling good just about all day. Now I kinda feel blah. Maybe I'm just tired. 4am comes mighty early. Don't worry I get enough sleep. It's all about timing.

I guess I'll go lay down. The soaps are almost over.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

all caught up

2009-03-24T03:41:00.000-07:00

I know it's Tuesday. I want to write about my grandson's b/day party last Sunday. Margaret and I bought him little workbench with all kinds of neat tools. Some make noises. (I wanted one too...lol!) On the way over I stopped and bought him a yellow smiley face balloon. His face lit up when he saw me. I picked him up and hugged him. I looked in his face and told him how much I loved him. His smile warms my heart. The party was fun.
Yesterday I made biscuits for strawberry shortcake. They were good. I made Kolachi dough. Kolachi's are a Slovak pastry filled with nuts or apricot or lekvar. (There are alot of Slovak's in this area.) The dough has to sit in the fridge overnight. That's my dish for the day...Kolachi with powdered sugar. Then for a late afternoon lunch I made a meatloaf, smashed potatoes, corn, and gravy. Margaret made the potatoes. She makes the best smashed potatoes.
At the mall the other day, my son and his girlfriend and my granddaughter stopped into this mens clothing store. I've been wanting a vest. I found a rack and the sales guy come up and says "can I help you?" I said "yes, I'm looking for a vest." The guy says "there's a rack right in front of you." DUH Dave!..LOL! Anyway I found a vest my size and he threw in a white bowtie for free.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David

questions

2009-03-23T03:26:00.000-07:00

Where are the answers to my questions? I asked myself that many years ago.

I was lost, confused, abandoned. I asked my case manager "why wasn't I getting any answers to my questions?" His response was "if you aren't getting any answers to your questions, maybe you're not asking the right questons."

"Doing the same thing all the time, and expecting different results is insane."

People have asked me how I overcame the title of "lifer." I wanted better for my life. I did whatever was necessary. People pushed me. I had people that cared enough about me and never gave up on me. I took my meds, was honest with my pdoc. I stopped drinking and doing drugs. I was shown that there was a life "beyond the locked doors." I took the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth. I took risks, like a new job, or a new med. I began to trust, myself and others. The most important thing I did was I never gave up.

I've been given a second chance to fufill my destiny. I'm 46 years old and for 44 years I had no real direction. I found my calling. Helping people is my life journey. I thought I took to long to find my calling. In actuality I was right on time.

One time many years ago, I was in a group therapy session listening to the other's talk about their values. All of a sudden I realized I had no values. I didn't even value my own life. That troubled me greatly.

I told myself that I needed to have a good set of values. The first being that I valued my life. All the rest of my values came over the years.

I challenge you all to never give up. Even in your darkest hours. If I can do it so can anyone.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

A lifer or not

2009-03-21T12:56:00.001-07:00

When I was a patient at the state hospital, the staff and patients used the word "lifer." A lifer was a person who was doomed to walk the halls inside the locked doors for ever. There were many that got that title. I was on of em.

I was 18 when I got the title of lifer. I despised that. I told myself that I will prove them wrong. I said to myself that I will do whatever it takes to prove those naysayers wrong.

I fought my way through some hard times. I didn't give up and never will.

I am not a lifer. I still have SZA and always will. But I will not become a slave to it.

My life has meaning. A purpose. A calling.

If I didn't have the drive and strength to not become a lifer, my life would be futile.

I won't let anyone tell me I can't do something. I will prove them wrong.

I'm happy today. If I could dance I would. I'll leave that thought alone..LOL!

Going back to the state hospital as a speaker has made a profound impact. I've been given a second chance.

I know I repeat this message, but I have to. It helps me stay focused and determined.

Live as if it's your last day, love others equally, laugh to soothe, not to hurt, learn that it's all worth it, listen to tie it all together.

David

the grand scheme

2009-03-21T03:42:00.000-07:00

I'm still riding the high from my gig last Thursday. I am so fortunate to go there and help. People helping people. That's what the grand scheme of life is.

Yesterday Margaret and I went to see the movie "Knowing" with Nicolas Cage. It was an awesome movie. Normally I don't give movie reviews but I want to make one comment about it. The two children heard voices. They called them "the Whisper People." I'm not gonna give away the plot, but the way the voices were protrayed is how the voices talk in my head.

I've likened the voices to an "echo in the canyon."

I called my brother up yesterday for his birthday. He's 48. I told him that in 2 more years he can qualify for AARP! OMG! He cursed me out...LOL! Apparently that struck a cord.....hee hee!

For my daily new baking experience, I made apple fritters. MMMMMMMM. They were so good. Sunday we're gonna make cinnamon buns. They take time to rise. I can't wait.

Today I'm gonna take my son and my granddaughter and girlfriend to walk along in the park. I need to connect with nature. I've been meaning to go to my childhood home to reminisce. I wanna go alone so I can soak it all in.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

$50

2009-03-20T08:36:00.001-07:00

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.SON: 'Daddy, may I ask you a question?'DAD: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the man.SON: 'Daddy, how much do you make an hour?'DAD: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the man said angrily.SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'DAD: 'If you must know, I make $50 an hour.'SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.SON: 'Daddy, may I please borrow $25?'The father was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard everyday for such childish frivolity's.'The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $25.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.'Are you asleep, son?' He asked.'No daddy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the man. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $25 you asked for.'The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you daddy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the father grumbled.'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.'Daddy, I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $50 worth of your time with someone you love.

Frappe alarm

2009-03-20T03:16:00.000-07:00

Frappe woke me up at 3:30 am. He was snoring. A high pitched melodious snore. It sounded like he was singing. I wish I had him when I worked. It sure beats the alarm clock buzzing!

The local college, Binghamton University, was in the college basketball tournament. They played Duke last night. BU lost. I'm not a sports fan, but the fever that was in the air around here was incredible. It was nice how this community got behind the team.

Spring is in the air. Today is the 1st day. WOOHOO! I made it through another winter. I have flowers popping up. I think they are tulips and my bleeding heart plant.

I feel good. Despite the Frappe alarm. The voices have subsided for the time being.

Margaret and I made a lemon meringue pie from scratch. I did all the mixing, Margaret read the recipe instructions. OMG! It turned out so yummy! Margaret and I travel like that. I drive and she directs me, because everyone knows men can't follow directions and refuse to turn around when lost....LOL!

Anyway back to feeling good. I came out of my speech feeling great. I do think I saved a starfish.

Going back to the state hospital is nice. I get to reminisce. I spent many years working there. Good times. The hospital in on a hill that overlooks the city of Binghamton. ( I refer to it as the "Hill".) When I got to my car I looked out over the valley. It's was beautiful, the sun was up, not a cloud in the sky. I stood there and soaked it up. I perfect end to an amazing day. When I was a patient there, I saw some of the most breathtaking sunsets.

The song Jack and Diane is playing in my head. The verse "changes come around real soon that makes us women and men" is repeating. The state certainly changed me.

I think today Margaret and I will attempt to bake some cinnamon rolls. She is determined to make me a baker. I've had this urge to try new recipes. We've made quite a few. Cooking is such a stress buster for me. (baking is slowly getting there)

I can't create an original recipe. I do add a personal touch. Margaret is really good at suggesting different techniques.

Everyday is a gift. Every life is precious. I feel soooo good.

The song birds in the morning are delightful. When it gets light out I'm gonna go and stand on my front steps and soak it all in.

I love spring. I cannot say that enough. It's a time of renewal. A time for happiness. I feel all warm and cozy and refreshed.

I've been writing this journal for about an hour this morning. I get side tracked really easily. The problem is I never know how to end it.

Live for the moment, love unconditionally, laugh heartily, learn always, listen with your heart,

Dave

another good gig

2009-03-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

My gig at the state hospital was good. I didn't break my record though...I put 6 to sleep, one was a staff. My personal best is 10.. three were staff.
I talked for about an hour. There was a staff guy that knew me from my last job. He came up to me and said that I did a good job and that he never knew I had SZA. Another staff wanted my blog address..I don't know from memory what it is. I hope she can find my blog.
I got all decked out. I had a black suit with a red bowtie. Margaret said I looked like a mobster.....SSSH don't tell anyone...LOL! I thought I looked like a Blues Brother...LOL!
I got there early so I talked with a vocational counselor. We had a nice chat. He still wants me to speak..but he says there isn't much to do because I don't want pay for it. Money pay. The only pay I want is knowing that I helped one of em...maybe two.
I'm in it to help. My feeling is that if I got paid it would affect the way I want to do it. I fear that the passion I have will be replaced by the anxiety of having a job. The confines of a job will smother me. I speak out for reasons. I do it to pass the torch. I don't wanna a job, I wanna help others freely.
No money will ever replace the joy of unconditional guidance.
I think I saved a starfish today.
Peace to you all.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
David

The circle

2009-03-19T04:02:00.000-07:00

Today I go to the state hospital to talk some patients. I'm not anxious right now, I will be later. I'll take an extra pill beforehand. I'm gonna dress up. I do that to show the patients that there's hope outside the locked doors.

I had a choice many years ago if I wanted to stay at the state hospital or come home to my biological family. I chose to stay. I was 17 when I decided that. It was a turning point.

The next 29 years have been in preparation for this time of my life. I admit I'm a slow learner. The important thing is that I learned.

Helen Keller wrote"All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming."
I like Helen Keller. She is a heroine. When I fall off track I look to her wisdom.

There's is suffering. I could get swallowed up in it or I can overcome and then help others overcome.

The other day I was depressed. I was in agony. I decided that I was going to stop being down, and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. I overcame that depression and had a good day.

I hear voices. I have to live with that. People say how dreadful it must be. I've heard them so long that they are a part of me. Sometimes they are bothersome. Despite the voices I overcame. I could've balled myself up in a ball and cried out what a terrible thing that is.

The lesson I learned is that no matter what, I can achieve whatever I set my heart to do.

Earl Nightingale wrote"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us."

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David

people helping people

2009-03-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

The very thought of being good to myself was hard to swallow. I never used to let anyone in to help, because I'm a "tough skinned man." What a crock that is.

My dad hasn't been to see a doctor in 50 plus years. If I had done that (wait I'm not 50 ..yet) I wouldn't be sitting here this very moment.

I swallow my pride and take all the help I need. I cannot do this journey alone. I need guidance. I feel if I need help I'm gonna get some.

Rewarding myself for deeds well done is an important part of my recovery. Nothing fancy, maybe a cd,dvd or a good cut of beef or a rose plant.

It's easy to feel bad on days that affected my life. BUT! Enjoying days that are momentous is amazing. I'm coming up on a day that started my illness. I no longer get upset because of that day. I celebrate it. The date is April 4th. I will write about that day when it gets here.

Be good to yourselves. Seek help when needed. Give help. People helping people is what makes the world go 'round.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

write it down

2009-03-18T03:00:00.000-07:00

Doggone it I thought of something to write and poof! It's gone. I should know better. Write it down!!!
Yesterday Margaret and I did our favorite thing...SHOP! We went to Walmart and Sams club. The best place we went to is the Mens Wearhouse. Margaret bought me two suits from there for my b/day. They sent us a $50 gift certifcate! I love that store. The customer service is awesome. We bought a pair of suspenders and red bow tie, and a red thingy you put in the breast pocket of your suit. It cost us $1.96! Now that's how I like to shop!
I made some corn beef. I don't really like it, but I have to admit is was pretty good. I made chicken noodle soup. I poured it over homemade biscuits and Margaret's tasty mashed potatoes.OMG! That was so good.
In the afternoon I had a sudden burst of energy so I washed the Camry. I got soaked. Frappe was having a fit because I was on the other side of the fence. He got over it.
I'm feeling good. I overcame a rough spot. The voices are minimal this morning. I don't have any music on either.
Today we're gonna mop the floors. The backyard is mud where the pool was. The dogs track mud all through the first floor. It's futile that they stay clean. Ah well.
I guess since I forgot what I wanted to write, I certainly made up for it.
Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,
Dave

St.Patrick's Day 2009

2009-03-17T03:35:00.000-07:00

My pdoc appointment went well. I actually talked about something that has affected me last week. He offered me some good advice. I was nice that we talked. It's been many months since I had a concern and needed guidance. I'm satisfied.

The voices are still fairly quiet. I am happy.

I go to the state hospital on Thursday to speak to a group of patients.(I wonder how many I will put to sleep...LOL) I'm excited. I'm gonna talk about hope. Hope that there's a life beyond the locked doors.

I enjoy going there to speak. It always brings me full circle. Some of the best people I ever met were there...staff and patients.

I've been busy cleaning my yard. Yesterday I raked leaves. I even swept the street by the curb in front of my house, seeing that the city won't do it.

Much to my surprise I found alot of flower shoots. Daffodils, irises, crocuses, and my favorite plant my bleeding heart plant. I absolutely love that plant. I started a new bleeding heart plant in the house. It's starting to grow. OMG! I am so happy.

The side yard is where I put the leaves, I so want to plant grass there. I have to dig it up. The dogs poop there. And my oh my what alot of poop! The labs poop huge piles. Sorry didn't mean to be gross.

Today we take Teddy to the vet for shots and a certificate that he's neutered, so when can license him.

Live, love, laugh, learn, listen,

David